DD crying, before staying with DF and step-family

[WhatNowWhatNext]

I know there's other boards this might be better placed but I'm at a loss what to do to help, as I have no one in real life that can say "Oh yeah, that happened to us...we did this..."

I know it could just be a phase but I'm naturally worried about DD 3.5yo, as any parent would be.

She cries when being dropped off at the house her DF now lives at with SM and SC, even though she had been going previously for the last 18 months. It's heartbreaking for all.

I don't think there is anything untoward happening there...but it will be the only place she cries?! She will happily go anywhere else where DF is but as soon as at their family house, it's tears time.

It's really upsetting me because I don't want her to feel like I'm leaving her/not listening to her! She has said to me before today "You left me Mummy!" - that hurts.

She's not kicking and screaming against going or having uncontrolable sobs or anything...but it's the crying that's really unsettling me.

She says she doesn't want me to go, wants me instead to which I explain I can't because it's Daddy time.

She tells me she doesn't like her SM, doesn't want to go, etc whilst at home but that she misses Daddy.

At first she only said this to me, when away from her DF...but now she has started saying to him to that she wants Mummy, to go home etc.

I thought it was a bit of saying one thing to the other maybe...but at drop off tonight, she actually cried in front of him and said she wanted me and didn't want to go. She stood on the doorstep, tears rolling, lip wobbling, looking so sad and choked "Bye Mummy" and I just wanted to crumble (and grab her and bring her home btw but I know she loves her DF!)

I don't want to make a big issue of it if it's a case of "Oh all kids go there!" and "She's only little!" but I don't want to ignore it either and how long would it take/how bad does it need to get before we really deal with it, IYSWIM?!

I have never bad-mouthed DF or SM to DD, if that's relevant. In fact, I try encourage positivity with their relationships, which makes this all the more confusing - I just wish I knew what has got her so upset!

Sorry for the length, just emotionally overwhelmed with everything.

Can DF see DD away from his home ie take her out somewhere so that she can still him but not have to stay at the house with SM? May not be ideal for you as probably means you don't get an evening free but might be a compromise for the interim?

I guess what you have to work out is whether it's separation anxiety or if she's actually unhappy there. Does she come home saying she's enjoyed herself?

If it's the transition of leaving mummy, could you do the handover at the park so she's actively enjoying being pushed by Daddy on the swings when Mummy says goodbye (for example). Or at a coffee shop eating cake if it's rainy. At least for a few times to break the cycle that she's got in to.

If she actually isn't settling once you've gone, then you need to discuss with exP what the issues are. Maybe she'd be better without overnights until his DSC calm down. Or perhaps he could spend more time with her away from the house? Presumably it's upsetting for him too, so he should be actively seeking a solution.

I am definitely going to be monitoring everything she says even more closely.

I know it comes across like I've sort of said it's ok for SM to smack her own DC (there was more to the conversation that just the bit I posted) but at the time, I was so shocked to hear it.

I just reacted in a way that would try to make her feel SM wasn't a 'monster' because to me, that would have made the situation worse and as I've said, I was trying to encourage positive relationships.

I can see now, I didn't handle it very well at the time but this is all new to me. I should have said something more like what Vestal said.

I have already decided last night that if this upset continues, I will speak to him about contact arrangements and drop offs at neutral ground - then he can discuss with DD where she would like to go etc so it takes the emotional pressure off me. She is always happy to see her DF.

She enjoyed herself last night and DF said she settled, pretty much as soon as I had left. DD hasn't said otherwise, so I've no reason to not believe him but again, I feel like because it went ok last night, that's the end of it as far as he's concerned and anything else is just me blowing it out of proportion.

If it comes up again, I will ask exactly what it is that she's seeing. If SM just lost her rag on one occasion and was pushed to far (I know, I know...) and it stuck with DD or if smacking is a regular form of punishment because I don't want that rubbing off on DD, like a PP has said as I don't want it to turn into a situation like Karma has posted, I'm sorry you went through that!

DF and SM did split up for a short period at the start of this year, when DF had to return to live with his Mum. I do wonder if she has just enjoyed having Daddy back to herself and is now not happy she has to "share" him again but that's normal behaviour I'd suppose. It's the smacking thing that is really on my radar.

Thank you for all the advice so far and sorry for another long update. Heads a bit scrambled!!

Any chance of doing pick-ups and drop-offs on neutral ground where there isn't a direct handover between you? I realise this is harder with a younger child but could he pick her up from nursery for example? When she's older, he could pick her up from an activity.
It's a lot of change in her little life. I hope she settles or you resolve things. Absolutely keep a diary and don't be afraid to change things if it's not working for her.

I was thinking the same thing as inkydinky. It's possibly not the actual stepmum or her behaviour, she's just distressed at being away from you, so she's looking for reasons to justify the distress.

If you change the pattern so he picks her up from yours, or a neutral place, then that could change her perception from 'you leaving her' to 'having fun with dad then going to her second home' and it will be a bit of a different dynamic.

I'd try that before worrying about anything else. My eldest DD got upset at hand overs in the past, so my ex and I changed things around a bit for a while, different times, different locations, and it got her out of her pattern of not wanting to leave one parent, to just looking forward to being with the other one. In our case it was the opposite way around, and there were no other partners to take into account, but the change in arrangements helped hugely..

Good luck

I know it comes across like I've sort of said it's ok for SM to smack her own DC (there was more to the conversation that just the bit I posted) but at the time, I was so shocked to hear it.

^ No, it does't come across like that. I think its the thing worrying you most, and that you believe your DD. She's told you specifically whats upsetting her, her dad knows its that upsetting her too. Well done for believing her

Too many will try to talk others out of being upset at violence. This is partly how girls and women get conditioned to it. Taught to turn a blind eye and they're possibly making a fuss for nothing, or its not what they think

As an adult I wouldn't like to witness a child being hit..Im not surprised your DD is so upset. Its good that she can articulate this to you

I would be pushing at very least for your dad to be with DD away from their family home at least for a time, they can go out on a one-to-one can't they?

Your DD first - always. Not making adults comfortable.Good luck

KarmaNoMore that was a tough read. You were only doing what you thought best Hope your DS is fine now

Can you ask him to tell his wife not to snack her DC in front of your DD because it distresses her?

That's a 4 and 6 year old, how naughty can they be to be getting smacked... Then they cry and of course it upsets your DD.

Personally, I'd contact safeguarding at the local council if it didn't stop.

It doesn't seem like a one off, otherwise she would have forgotten about it.

I really would do this, to stop my DD getting so upset like that.

I work for a local authority and have a few social worker friends. I mentioned this to one of them and she does see it as an issue that Safeguarding would look into.