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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

DD crying, before staying with DF and step-family

32 replies

WhatNowWhatNext · 20/07/2017 23:29

I know there's other boards this might be better placed but I'm at a loss what to do to help, as I have no one in real life that can say "Oh yeah, that happened to us...we did this..."

I know it could just be a phase but I'm naturally worried about DD 3.5yo, as any parent would be.

She cries when being dropped off at the house her DF now lives at with SM and SC, even though she had been going previously for the last 18 months. It's heartbreaking for all.

I don't think there is anything untoward happening there...but it will be the only place she cries?! She will happily go anywhere else where DF is but as soon as at their family house, it's tears time.

It's really upsetting me because I don't want her to feel like I'm leaving her/not listening to her! She has said to me before today "You left me Mummy!" - that hurts.

She's not kicking and screaming against going or having uncontrolable sobs or anything...but it's the crying that's really unsettling me.

She says she doesn't want me to go, wants me instead to which I explain I can't because it's Daddy time.

She tells me she doesn't like her SM, doesn't want to go, etc whilst at home but that she misses Daddy.

At first she only said this to me, when away from her DF...but now she has started saying to him to that she wants Mummy, to go home etc.

I thought it was a bit of saying one thing to the other maybe...but at drop off tonight, she actually cried in front of him and said she wanted me and didn't want to go. She stood on the doorstep, tears rolling, lip wobbling, looking so sad and choked "Bye Mummy" and I just wanted to crumble (and grab her and bring her home btw but I know she loves her DF!)

I don't want to make a big issue of it if it's a case of "Oh all kids go there!" and "She's only little!" but I don't want to ignore it either and how long would it take/how bad does it need to get before we really deal with it, IYSWIM?!

I have never bad-mouthed DF or SM to DD, if that's relevant. In fact, I try encourage positivity with their relationships, which makes this all the more confusing - I just wish I knew what has got her so upset!

Sorry for the length, just emotionally overwhelmed with everything.

OP posts:

MrsTerryPratchett · 20/07/2017 23:41

How old are the SC?

namechangeregposter · 20/07/2017 23:47

Have you asked her why she doesn't like her SM?

Original poster

WhatNowWhatNext · 20/07/2017 23:50

6 & 4 (so not DFs, they're SM kids, sorry that wasn't clear in OP) Don't seem to be any issues there. DD likes playing with them, as far as I'm told and she hasn't said otherwise.

OP posts:

Original poster

WhatNowWhatNext · 21/07/2017 00:14

I have and this is where it's going to make me sound like a knob...because it would make it so obvious as to why she is uncomfortable going!! But it's how do I deal with it, that's also the problem?!

I didn't really want to say it here, in case it outs me but I'm more concerned about DD now after today (and I don't want this to turn into a drip feed I guess!)

When I have asked her, DD has said "because SM is always grumpy/angry and always smacks SC bottom" >_<

Obviously one of the first things I asked, was if SM had ever smacked DDs bottom but she said no...

Nor am I really happy that DD has to witness this...but at the end of the day, we all parent differently and it's not my place to get into how people discipline their own kids, whatever my opinion!

What I did try explain to DD, baring in mind she's only young, was that SM is SC Mummy...and that SC might have made their Mummy very cross, so SM had to tell SC off...the same way that Mummy (me) would tell DD off if she was being naughty (I'm not a smacker though!)

I hope that made sense! She put me on the spot and I was a bit shocked.

DF knows she's said this, as I have told him...and also DD said it to him tonight and he gave the same response as me basically.

I have tried saying to DD that it's ok to say these things to Daddy as well because he loves her and he would want to know if she was upset.

This is partly because I don't want them to think I am making this up to cause trouble, when it is coming from DDs mouth.

I don't think she is at risk at all, DF wouldn't allow it. I just don't know what to do!

OP posts:

IP1974 · 21/07/2017 00:21

It sounds like you're asking for permission not to send her if I'm honest. It's her dad, it's his job to keep her safe in every way while she's there and you trust him, I'm sure he is. There may be other reasons she's reacting to SM. it's not easy x

DancingLedge · 21/07/2017 00:25

Just because she's not at risk of being hit, doesn't mean she would not be distressed to witness other children being hit. Or stay with an adult who does that.

MistressDeeCee · 21/07/2017 00:30

SM always grumpy angry snacks SC's bottom. Which child wouldn't be upset and frightened around an angry aggressive adult? & she's only little. Its good she can tell you and DF. But I dont think your response is ok at all. Your DF could step up and deal with this situation in a different way. He sees the situation in his home, he must see DD is upset at the time. I simply cant get my head around explaining away anger towards a child, hitting a child. I just wouldn't want my DD there, in your shoes.

Original poster

WhatNowWhatNext · 21/07/2017 00:33

I can see why you'd think that IP but honestly, I'm not.

The last thing I would want is to stop her going. She dotes on her DF and I can't control what he does with DC on his time, they're equally his too.

What I do want to stop is her being upset beforehand but I can't waltz in and command SM stop smacking her kids because it's upsetting DD.

I just wonder if I'm making a mountain out of a molehill and to just ride this episode out or try talk to DD more about it?

I know this is gonna be a long journey for all involved and won't always be plain sailing but I want my DD to enjoy going to her Dads, not get upset.

OP posts:

IP1974 · 21/07/2017 00:40

No you can't waltz in I agree. It must be hard but I'll bet when she's with her DF and settles down she's fine. Have you spoken to him about what's she's disclosing? In a calm co-parenting way? Is it true?

Original poster

WhatNowWhatNext · 21/07/2017 00:42

That's another thing...I could talk to DF about it again, say it's clearly distressing DD and ask him what he thinks he should do about it but the likely answer is nothing?

If he is happy enough to stay with SM, whilst she smacks her children, he obviously can't see an issue with it...so I can't see that he's going to suddenly tell SM to change.

And I wasn't trying to play down the smacking to DD...we did have a chat about how it's not nice to smack people etc and she knows this but as I've said, I can't control what someone else does and I don't want to stop DF seeing DD. This is so hard.

OP posts:

Original poster

WhatNowWhatNext · 21/07/2017 00:50

Yeah, I've told him what DD said and he admitted it was true but was very blaze about it...stating it only happened when they had been really naughty and they had been really badly behaved lately.

Didn't exactly fill me with warmth to hear him basically just accepting it but in terms of our co-parenting, we've never smacked our DCs.

OP posts:

MrsTerryPratchett · 21/07/2017 00:55

Honestly that's a tricky one. It isn't good that your DD sees it. And it isn't good for the sets of children to be treated differently or the shouting.

What was her DF's stance on smacking before?

Original poster

WhatNowWhatNext · 21/07/2017 01:09

As far as I knew, he didn't agree with smacking. His Mother was a victim of DV in his childhood...

I haven't actually asked him about how he feels about SM smacking her DCs personally, only if it was true. The conversation was incredibly awkward! Plus I don't like to discuss things in front of DC and he's difficult to talk to at other times...but I feel this problem is not going to go away by itself, so I'm going to have to try.

I think I realise tonight from what people have said, I should ask him what he feels about the situation as if it does make him uncomfortable, he should be able to see why it would be upsetting to DD and it might open his eyes up a bit (although I fear it won't)

He said he was going to take her shopping, so she could buy things to make her new bedroom feel like hers but I don't think that's going to fix anything!

It feels like the only one that sees a problem here is me.

OP posts:

MrsTerryPratchett · 21/07/2017 01:15

He may well dislike it but wants the relationship to work and therefore pushes the feelings away. Not a fabulous message for DD!

SeanOSneachta · 21/07/2017 01:21

Have you considered scheduling a meeting with your ex about general parenting? My ex and I have a meeting about 4-5 times a year - childcare, summer camps, scheduling, etc. These are conversations that have to be had, not in front of children. We book a meeting room in a hotel to do this. Your ex needs to have his child as a priority, regardless of his new relationship with his partner's children. Only you two are the parents for your child.

Original poster

WhatNowWhatNext · 21/07/2017 01:25

I think that's exactly what it is tbh but that's so sad he would put his relationship before his daughter again.

I need to try get some sleep If anyone has some advice on how I can correctly help my DD through this myself (regardless of what DF does or doesn't do) please help! It's breaking my heart to see her like this and I don't want to have to ask that she stops going to their house!

OP posts:

Original poster

WhatNowWhatNext · 21/07/2017 01:26

That's a good idea SeanO. I will try that I think, thank you.

OP posts:

SeanOSneachta · 21/07/2017 01:30

The SM's kids are 6 and 4, and not your ex's children. When you say 'I can't control what he does on his time, they are his DC too', what do you mean? You have one child together? Or does he see his new partner's children as 'his' too?

Original poster

WhatNowWhatNext · 21/07/2017 07:10

We have 2 DCs together. The youngest is only 1 and therefore oblivious to all this at the moment.

We split when I was still pregnant with DD2 and he went straight into this relationship with SM but I have always tried hard not to let DDs see my emotions, e.g. I won't even so much as discuss what happened in front of her...but I do talk to her directly, to make sure she's ok.

She did go through a lot of changes in that first year though and now I'm wondering if it's catching up with her.

I know he is really involved with SC because he has been in their lives a while now.

OP posts:

Greaterthanthesumoftheparts · 21/07/2017 07:19

Not dismissing the hitting thing but could t also just be a stage of separation anxiety. DSS gets this from time to time. He is 7 and is going through a phase of it at the moment. Cries any time he has to leave his mum, takes a long time over good byes etc. We all work together these days to try to help him make things easier. Sounds like you have a good relationship with your ex so maybe also just give it some time to see if it gets better. Any other changes in her life that might have promoted this? We found DSS phase came this time after his mum stopped working for a time, so she was at home more when he was leaving her. Something that seems unrelated could have an impact.

youwillbepk · 21/07/2017 09:53

I think an angry , grumpy adult smacking her children in front of your daughter would be very upsetting.
When I was 16 I babysat for a family member and there friends child got dropped off to me from there dad, when the friend got back she found the child had forgotten one of his shoes with dad and smacked and screamed and shouted at him it was awful and I was devastated by it! Although what your dad is describing seems not as severe it could be as distressing for her, the hitting and shouting and anger. I'd be tempted to stop sleep overs and just allow a few hours sat and a few hours Sunday.

YellowPrimula · 21/07/2017 10:04

I think I would also be concerned that the longer your exh is around someone who disciplines using physical punishment the more it will be normalised for him and it is on,y a matter of time before he uses it as a discipline method himself.

As a sc myself I also know how hard it is slotting in and out of a family who are together all the time , it doesn't matter how much you like them you are always the outsider and in my case I know always slightly watchful and on edge.

I think you are doing the best you can at the moment , you need your dd to know that she can always talk to you , but equally your ex and the SM need to know that this is a problem for your dd so that they can reflect on what the implication should could be for his relationship with his daughter

VestalVirgin · 21/07/2017 17:23

Why would you do that to your child? Why imply that smacking her is something you would consider if she made you "very cross"?

Yes, her father would probably get angry at you if you told her that "some adults hit children, it is wrong, but I cannot do anything about her doing this, because it is not illegal", but it would be more honest and make her feel safer about your own behaviour.

Not sure what you can do about the issue, don't know whether the law allows you to keep her with you, but that's what I'd do - keep her with you, and only let her father have her when he agrees to take her somewhere alone, without his new partner.

... also, is smacking children actually still legal in the UK? I am not sure where the law here draws the line, but I'd research that thoroughly.
Obviously, it is not an occasional smack when the children misbehave, but pretty much a standard thing your DD has witnessed many times.

inkydinky · 21/07/2017 18:10

I can't really comment on the smacking etc (wouldn't know where to begin) but one thing you could do is stop dropping her off. Why doesn't your ex pick her up from you? I think some of the upset will come from you 'leaving her' whereas if you're at home, and he's collecting, that part isn't your responsibility.

KarmaNoMore · 21/07/2017 18:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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