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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

DH anger issue or is it me?

17 replies

Donendusted · 20/07/2017 22:35

Sorry if this is a long post, don't want to out myself (Dsis) uses MN or drip feed.

Been with DH for 10+ years, from the very start he has been short tempered / angry / aggressive, I don't know what one is the right word to use! Basically if something doesn't go his way he will literally throw a tantrum, e.g. setting up new phone, it won't accept his gmail details and locks his acount, he launched the iPad and phone across the living room. Car alarm was going off repeatedly last night after being reset, he kicked the car. cause that'll work/help. Which at times I've said

To be honest I just ignore him and leave him to it. Never once had he shown any kind of aggression/rage towards me.
I'm going through a bit if a tough time, that's another thread, this has been pulling me down on it's own. But now after 10+ years I'm struggling to just ignore his behaviour, I know he can be short tempered when stressed. The issue I have has also been adding to the stress. I've became a bit nervous, not of him, of my own issue, but it's also made me anxious and dread to see what his mood is like, what will set him off etc. Each and every single night, its exhausting! Not because he takes it out on me, it makes me feel all wound up and really dislike him if I'm honest.

I'm getting to the stage I don't think I can live with it any longer. At times he's like an absolute child. Then the issue I've got going on I just want him to be a man and support me.

Sorry if I'm totally rambling I just need to off load. I don't even know why I'm posting, I suppose to see how many others have a man-child who throws temper tantrums and toys out the pram?, how do you deal with it? or does he have serious issues with anger management? I'm kind of immune to it but lately it's been bothering me. Maybe he's just his usual self and I'm being super sensitive because of this other issue I've got going on.

On the whole everything else is great. Any advice? TIA xx

OP posts:

Tofutti · 20/07/2017 22:48

It sounds exhausting

It's death by a thousand cuts, isn't it? Everytime he shouts/loses his temper, you become a little more anxious. It doesn't matter that it's not aimed at you (although he might be aiming at you in some way).

Is he like this with others? What happens when he's alone?

WorknameJimEllis · 20/07/2017 22:53

Do you know what?

It's ok to say that right now you can't cope with him. It's OK to say ' no judgment, but I just can't live like this at the moment' and ask him to move out.

Wolfiefan · 20/07/2017 22:56

It's ok to be angry. But he needs to learn to express that in an adult way. Or leave. Does he behave like this at work? Or is it reserved for you?
Please tell me he isn't behaving like this if you have kids?

Shoxfordian · 20/07/2017 23:06

That sounds so difficult OP
Why are you with him? What's good about the relationship? I think at some point that anger is going to be towards you

Original poster

Donendusted · 20/07/2017 23:07

He can be like that on his own, out in the garage tinkering etc.

At work he's professional, that's part of his stress, he's a director. I assume if he behaved like the child he can be here he wouldn't be a director. But I'm assuming!

He can be a milder version probably 'stroppy teen' in front of others. But he just gets ridiculed for it. I suppose that doesn't help.

Step Kids have flown the nest, together we don't have any.

Workname... I think that's just what I needed to hear. That it's ok to not cope with it just now, thank you xx

OP posts:

Original poster

Donendusted · 20/07/2017 23:12

I'm with him because we love each other, and although he can be a total man child, he worships the ground I walk on. Normally we have a great life together. Just lately it's been tough.

OP posts:

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 20/07/2017 23:13

If I lived with someone like that, I would be very nervous of taking an opposite position to him. I would be nervous of doing something that would set him off. I would be careful, perhaps only subconsciously, to make sure he never felt angry with me, just in case.

It would be exhausting. It would drain the life from me.

You say I'm kind of immune to it but lately it's been bothering me. Maybe he's just his usual self and I'm being super sensitive because of this other issue I've got going on. On the whole everything else is great. Any advice?

I read that as: "For 10 years I have ignored how awful it is but lately it's started bothering me. He's just his usual self. Now I am getting normal reactions because of the other issue going on taking up all my energy, which used to go into denial. If you exclude all the bad stuff in our relationship then everything is great."

My advice is to stop fooling yourself with everything is great except for the fucking awful bits. See it as a whole.

Like a diet, you can't say "My diet was great this week, except for the dozen cream buns and 3 blow out curries." There is a reason you wouldn't lose weight, you can't separate the two things out. Your relationship is similar and your anxiety is like the scales that don't lie.

Wolfiefan · 20/07/2017 23:15

So he chooses not to behave in this way at work? So he can control it. Stress is no excuse. There are ways to relieve stress.
He sounds like he's using this nasty behaviour to remind you to stay in your place and not piss him off. Horrid.

Loopytiles · 20/07/2017 23:17

He has a very senior job so can control himself and is clearly choosing to behave abusively with you. He doesn't NEED to direct his anger at you, because you walk on eggshells anyway.

Breaking things is domestic violence.

Original poster

Donendusted · 20/07/2017 23:25

Thank you for the replies. Lots of food for thought. Feeling a bit sad so going to call it a night but I will come back on to re-read in the morning. Thanks

OP posts:

LuxuryWoman2017 · 21/07/2017 08:16

I left, nearly 20 years of tantrums and temper I endured.
It wore me down and was exhausting and became my normal - I'm so happy to live peacefully now.

Loopytiles · 21/07/2017 08:50

It'd be good to get counselling for yourself to talk about this: sounds like money isn't a problem so you could find someone good (eg BACP registered).

wouldthatitwere · 21/07/2017 13:19

my partner of 10 years was also like this, he got worse when we has kids with the extra stresses.. it had the same effect on me as you say, I'd feel anxious about all sorts of things, like if he's looking for something I knew start shouting within minutes and I'd feel worried about it. I stopped being ok with that behaviour last year and kept telling him he makes me anxious on a daily basis and I've had enough. Luckily for me he took it on board and felt bad that he'd been making me feel that way and has basically stopped it completely. I hope your DH can acknowledge it and stop, if my partner hadn't I'd have left by now.

yetmorecrap · 21/07/2017 13:33

Very similar position here with an intelligent creative guy, he externalises every trivial annoyance and almost directs it at me, as I'm around. It is very wearing , I used to love the fact he was quite a passionate rather volatile person but after 21 years have come to hate it, as it causes me anxiety not knowing what mood I may get.

pudding21 · 21/07/2017 13:46

I lived with an angry man for 21 years, last 3 years became abusive. You lose all sense of autonomy because you are always tip toeing around so not to upset them. I have come to the point now if anyone raises their voice to me I hate it. Even if I hear shouting in the street. I left 5 months ago and although I still love him, I am so much better on my own. He kicked off at me the other day about something, I got in my car without saying a word and drove off. He doesn't have any power over me anymore. I have become a chronic overthinker.

It took me a long long time to realise this, to work through leaving the man I love and splitting up a family, but I just couldn't live like that anymore. You should take some time to understand what his anger does to you, if you can protect yourself and not let it bother you then fine, but it drained me to the point I had nothing left to give to anyone else anymore. Last night in bed for the first time in years I felt truely happy inside myself.

Good luck.

HappenstanceMarmite · 21/07/2017 15:04

What a fabulous, albeit depressing, analogy 👏🏼

HarmlessChap · 21/07/2017 16:08

I was that man.

In my case I became more and more quick tempered (a young Victor Meldrum) because I was unhappy due to marital difficulties which then made those difficulties worse and it became a viscous circle.

I recognized that it was a problem and made a conscious effort to change my behaviour, either to be calmer or to remove myself to calm down. It's taken some effort but it is entirely possible if he is willing to accept that his behavior is not acceptable. Not saying I never get angry but it's far less often and more controlled.

It was one of many things that needed addressing in order to try to fix our marriage which was dying by degrees but gradually all the parts are falling (back) into place.

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