Please give me some tips here re introvert/social anxiety mum

[springydaffs]

I'm currently looking out for my (ancient) mum while my (ancient) dad is in hospital for a few days.

My mum finds it impossible to express what she wants. So I'm asking a million and one questions - would you like me to do this/that - go here/there - bring you this/that. She simply can't answer and an absurd dance takes place along the lines of 'no really' ad nauseum from the pair of us: re I'll say 'do you want this/that' to which she says 'whatever you want, dear; whatever makes you comfortable'. Protests that I want what she wants don't go anywhere.

I'm probably not making much sense here - but bcs I am feeling very confused! By the end of the afternoon with her we were both wrung out like rags. In retrospect I realise she wanted me to go but couldn't say so. Meanwhile I was desperate to go because the strain was by this stage immense.

You won't believe that I'm probably the closest person to her. She finds it very difficult to be alone with anyone in the world - and that includes her own husband in hospital! They've probably not had a proper conversation for decades.

Tips please before I twist into a pretzel.

Some people would genuinely just like you to make the decisions.
That may be what will make her happy.

The question I guess is can you do that?
I found life with aging (visiting)parents got a lot easier when I just said - dinner will be curry at this time, here's the shopping list, I'll need it by 5. And tomorrow we'll go to a and b and then you should go for a walk cos I'll need some time to myself. Also I was very clear about things like 'please don't get up and shower first thing in the morning, I have to get ready for work, you have all day'

It's hard to explain but sometimes You taking control is giving them exactly what they want. So you have to stop asking which feels counter intuitive.
Just sat at the start 'if there's anything you really want just let me know but I suggest we do this'.
The hard part is if YOU don't like making decisions either ...

Ah great post Mr.

I have running through me like a stick of rock that you don't force, cajole, manipulate, dominate. And your suggestions sound like those to me - even though I know they're not. As you say, counterintuitive.

Plus, to complicate things further, my mum will not be told what to do. Which leaves me dependent on her telling me what she wants. Which she won't /can't do.

So should I say ' I'm making a cup of tea, do you want one too?' instead of 'do you want a cup of tea?'

I realise she hates being asked questions - any questions, about anything

DH can be like this at times with deciding what to do at weekends or food and it gets to the point 3 hours later we're both tired, hungry and pissed off if I don't just ask closed questions. He has always said if he were majorly bothered, he would say but I get your DM doesn't necessarily do that.

The idea of saying you're making a tea and asking if she wants one is exactly how I'd deal with it or just make one anyway - it's a cup of tea and if she doesn't want it and it would have been a battle to get the answer out of her, I'd rather waste a cup rather than all that frustration between us. Also "I was thinking we could go to X today at Y time, would you like to come?" would work the same way.

Otherwise, how able is your DM? Is she pretty independent in doing things for herself - cooking, showering, moving around, etc? If she's OK with all that, may I suggest popping in once a day in the evening, bring her food she likes, perhaps put it on for her and sit with her for a bit for a chat. Maybe she just wants time on her own to collect her thoughts and no one fussing.

I recommend you just start doing instead of asking. Just like you said about getting her a cup of tea. Say you're getting one and ask if she wants one. If she says no Then carry on. You aren't responsible for her constant indecision.

I was brought up being told that you don't inconvenience anyone ever, a real 'be seen but not heard'. Consequently I find it very hard not to automatically defer to whoever I'm with. My natural response is 'you choose' or 'whatever you want'. I am particularly like this with my grown up children because I just don't ever want to be a burden or an inconvenience to them.

But the thing is, I really mean it. I am not hiding what I want or seething with resentment, I genuinely want them to do what they want and I'll fit in.

What I want, and what your mum might want, is for you to do what you want and tell her what's happening.

If someone asks me if I want a cup of tea I'll say no because I don't want them to put themselves out. I only say yes if they're making one anyway.

Have always felt considerate but am having a lightbulb moment that I might be annoying

Thanks for feedback it's really appreciated.

At the end of the day she did give me some pointers (I realise now): she said she likes it (when eg someone is newly bereaved) when people say ' call me if you need anything '. Ie she will let me know if she wants anything. (she says this but I don't believe her, she is hopeless at asking for ANYTHING).

Eg fur supper she wanted egg on toast but I was just finishing the supper I had brought (special diet at the mo) and I said give me 10 mins and I'll be there. But no she clattered about with the pans (she's registered blind) so I got up and took over, which she was glad of. I think! She said to me afterwards re her supper 'you had your own way'. But she hates cooking, really hates it (after a lifetime of cooking for family I assume) whereas knocking up some egg on toast was so simple for me.

She can just about do her own stuff eg showering and cooking, tho the cooking is dangerous bcs she's blind. She doesn't want eg neighbours calling in on her bcs she sees it as intrusion, not appreciating that she'll be alone in the house for the first time since she lost her sight, that she's nearly 90 and would have no way of alerting people if she was hurt or had fallen eg she can't use the phone.

Yes she repeatedly says she doesn't want to be a bother. Rainy, what I want is to give her what she wants re her constant refusal to let me know what she wants robs me of the chance to give to her. She is a giver but won't allow the blessing returned eg she has not used every present I have ever given her. She has a deeply entrenched sense of guilt.

I have a somewhat similar family member: very self-effacing and passive. I am really fond of her and do a lot to include her in our family life.

I have found it helpful sometimes to be quite firm and explain that she needs to take responsibility for some decisions, not just palm them off onto us. But she is in her 60s, so it is worthwhile trying to effect change!

I guess you could set out when you're going to call round, what you're going to do etc and give her space to object?

I do think she was rude to interrupt your tea (no doubt she would have known you would take over) and then to say 'you had your own way'!

Would she be open to Wheels on Meals? Might be useful anyway, gven the age of your parents, but particularly now and perhaps for when your Dad gets out of hospital for a bit?

My MIL talks in riddles like this, I like the doing a dance analogy . I don't know the answer because we still do it and I still don't ever know what she ACTUALLY wants in any given situation. I'm just here to say I completely get it and it's exhausting isn't it?

I am like this. I don't like putting anyone out, and am very adaptable so want the other person to be happy...if they are, I am. All due to an upbringing which was very 'different'. Basically ridiculed, made to feel unimportant and told to shut up constantly for years.

I like it when the other person takes control and says what they would like to do, then I can go along with it if I'm happy. Then I have the option to say no, if it really doesn't suit me....and believe me I do!

I can see it is annoying to others though and sometimes I take a deep breath and even ask for what I want. It's difficult though and I often make silly hints which people do not pick up. Then I get fed up. Trying so hard to just fcking communicate properly!

OP try taking control and providing boundaries which suit both, your mother sounds very amenable and cooperative...if she knows how you feel and what you want. I'm sure she is very appreciative, maybe can't express herself well at all.

Thanks again for replies. It helps to get it out there and to consider suggestions. Thanks for support.

Yesterday she asked me for a cup of tea with her supper. She was clear! I was a bit taken aback (so not like her!) and, here's where I went wrong, I apologised for not making the tea when we came in. Cue endless apologies from her.

She apologised this morning for 'being grumpy and difficult yesterday'. It doesn't help that she is very deaf on the phone and I have to shout at full volume, so any nuances entirely lost. I know she will have agonised about this overnight. I wonder if she is depressed - she certainly has all the symptoms - and whether to talk to her gp. I feel so awful at the thought of talking to her gp about something so personal, my mum is such a private person.

So I'll keep it clear, I won't apologise, I'll take the lead (though only last week I 'took the lead' with getting my parents to sit down and make a shopping list - to which my dad took great umbrage and shouted that it was his house and he's in charge so to not throw my weight around..).

Dad will be home soon so perhaps this is a trial run should he go first.

Is there a section on here for looking after elderly relatives?

If she can't use the phone, should she have a pendant alarm to wear?
I think there is an elderly rellies part, yes.