Dating a single dad and not sure what to do.

[TashieWoo]

Long time poster (well more lurker really) but I could do with some advice from parents and those who don't know me and those who have children, as I don't.

Bit of background - I first met this guy (will call him S) in the pub when I was about 22 (29 now) and he was 27. I'd seen him around for a while and we have some mutual acquaintances. We went on a few dates but that was it as I was busy studying elsewhere and I didn't give him enough time maybe, to be honest it was a long time ago and I can't remember the exact reasons why we stopped seeing each other.

Soon after then he met a woman (who again I sort of knew) and after a short time she was pregnant; their DC is now nearly 5. I think they split up when the DC was quite young but I don't know details. Their relationship doesn't seem to be that amicable - S' ex didn't let him see the DC for a long time and was threatening to move him abroad with her then DP etc., now there is a set contact arrangement so S spends lots of time with his DC inc. overnights.

Myself and S have always been in touch every so often on FB and I have always 'held a torch' for him. He wanted to meet me last year but I was in a relationship at the time. Recently (at the end of May I think) we met for drinks and have met twice since. We get on so well and time spent with him is easy and lovely, there just isn't much of it!

I don't get to see him much and he often cancels due to problems with his ex and so he has his DC on his 'nights off'. The contact arrangements seem to be more S having DC now; I don't know what is happening with his ex (and it isn't my place to know) but there always seems to be a drama. I am always supportive when he tells me things, but at the same time I don't want to sit there and say anything negative about her as again, it isn't my place to. And I only know his side of the story.

He is always saying he wants to spend more time with me, but just can't as he doesn't know what is happening from one day to the next, and I believe him. He is a bit of a stresshead anyway but obviously going through a stressful situation which doesn't show any signs of calming down. He is also having big renovations done on his house and works long hours.

We were meant to meet this evening but he cancelled yesterday as he has to have his DC for the foreseeable future. I told him (as I always do) that he is a dad and that his DC is and should be his priority and that he shouldn't be worrying about me. He said that he does worry about me and that he hopes I still want to see him when he has some free time. He keeps letting me down and I have made it clear that if it was for any other reason I wouldn't be impressed but it was to do with his DC and so I completely understood. I would never come between him and his DC.

I just don't know what to do though. I am pretty sure S isn't just stringing me along, he isn't like that, but I can't wait forever. Have any of you dated a single dad in a similar situation and can offer me some advice? He is such a lovely person and I don't want to just cut my losses, but at the same time I need to put myself first too. Recently I had a stressful time with some illness in the family and he was a great support to me.

I will say that at this stage we haven't 'had the conversation' and so I wouldn't say he was my boyfriend, it definitely isn't serious enough for me to be meeting his DC.

Any advice appreciated - thanks in advance

If you would want to, do you think he would want to spend time with you and his child at the same time? You could go to a park, out to eat, whatever, and get to know his child while also spending time with him?

Just because you aren't "serious" doesn't mean you couldn't be introduced to his child as a friend. Because you are.

Thank you for replying. He might do, in fact he has suggested bringing DC to see my horse as I keep him on a little farm and he loves animals. I guess wait for the dust to settle and see if he suggests it again. When he did last time I was a bit surprised and just said something along the lines of "yes, whenever you like". I guess it doesn't need to be a big introduction type thing.

This doesnt sit right with me, i could be wrong but he sounds like a piss taker. Tread carefully

Purely because he keeps letting you down, if you are interested in someone then by hook or by crook you will make time to see them

I know and that's what I'm worried about, although I don't think he's the 'player' type. I have said to him before, after a few drinks when I guess I've been more confident, that sometimes I feel like a bit of a mug and that I'm cutting him too much slack, but he assured me I wasn't and then text me the same thing later that night. I pretty much believe him, but at the same time he could be being a bit of a drama llama. But I don't have a child and I'm not in his situation.

If you know that for any reason it's not ever likely to be the 'forever thing' then walk away now.

If you don't want to live with him and his DC (in time) then walk away now. Step parenting is not for the faint hearted, make sure you're up for it before you get in any deeper. If this is, in any way, 'just a bit of fun' walk away now & find someone in a different situation.

If, however, you honestly think this has the potential to be 'the real thing' this time, then you need to talk.

You've known him a long time, surely you can talk properly about stuff? You're both old enough to have a proper conversation about where this is, or isn't, going. No games.

If you BOTH think this has long term potential then you need to discuss what he is going to do about his DC. Why things are so unsettled & what the best outcome is for his child, how he can secure that & how & when, you are going to fit into this picture. He might not want his DC to meet you yet in case they tell their Mum etc but he needs to get his position strong enough legally that she can't stop him having his DC. He can't allow her to hold him over a barrel.

Of course he has to put his DC first, but he also needs to be actively working towards resolving the issues.

You've seen him twice in almost two months? Sorry, I reckon he's with someone (maybe even the ex) else and he's keeping you on the back burner, and enjoying the attention. If he wanted to be with you he'd be with you.

Does the child have a set bedtime and sleep well? If so, there's no reason you can't go round after dc is in bed, to chat. I'm not suggesting rampant sex on the sofa, but you could easily spend an hour or two an evening, had you both the mind.

I date a single dad too. No its most definitely not appropriate to be spending time all together with his child. What a ridiculous suggestion. I'm 8 months in and haven't met DC. If this is going to last your DP needs to sort out set days with his DC and get that resolved, then the two of you can work around that. You sound very understanding, which I am too. I've never dated a single dad before, I have no DC either. I think if routines can be set then you two can be more sure about when you're going to spend time together. It's for him to sort out. He sounds a bit reactionary right now. Is he frightened she'll stop contact? He (and you) need your lives too. Sounds like she's treating him like a puppet. You could sell it to him by suggesting both she and he and DC will be more settled if set days are in place. My DP has his days with his DC and that helps a lot with our relationship

Find someone else who deserves your love an affection x

He is absolutely stringing you along!

I think he's using the child as a smokescreen.

It's hard dating somebody without children, when you have children however, you have been patient & he's taking the piss

Run.

Fast. .
And don't look back. .

I don't think he's in the position to be dating or in a relationship.

I am the same as him i.e. Letting people down and cancelling last minute due to too many commitments. I have had to give up on dating at the moment as it's too difficult logistically and not fair on the other person. He may well be genuine as a person but you don't fit into his life at the moment. Let him sort himself out but don't hang around waiting.

Doesn't sound worth the bother: you've barely seem him and don't know him well but are getting sucked into unpleasant drama.

You say he's a "bit of a stresshead" in general, and works long hours, which doesn't sound good even before his parenting and ex problems.

Lots of drama with his ex and unstable contact arrangements that he doesn't seem to be seeking to resolve, eg formal arrangements she has to stick to. Badmouthing her by the sounds of it (may or may not be justified).

He isn't a single parent, he's the non resident parent.

You can meet the dc as a friend, it doesn't have to be a big momentous thing.
Agree with a pp who suggested that you could see him after dc has gone to bed.
I think there are ways around. I was a full time lone parent who dated another full time lone parent and although we didn't see each other as much as we would have liked it can be made possible.

I would ditch this guy purely for the drama though. Who needs it.

I could have literally written the same things as you when I was first dating my OH. He was completely at the beck and call of his ex which I understood as it was about him being able to see his daughter. it got much easier once I'd met his daughter (and her mum). Once that happened it meant that when he unexpectedly had her I could still see him; our plans would just readjust to be child friendly. I put a lot of effort into having a good relationship with his daughter so would be really happy when we unexpectedly saw her.
I'd say if you really like him and you feel there is a future (and that cancelling plans isn't just an excuse) then you're going to need to go with it and adjust to your life being effected by the decisions of his ex. During that early time I got on with my life quite happily and let seeing him be a plus so that I didn't get too stressed about it. It's not easy but several years later I'm happy with the decisions I made at the time.

If a man wants to be with you he will make it happen. This guy is completely taking the piss because you are obviously a kind, understanding lady.
Stop wasting any headspace on him, bin

Not to dampen your spirits, but you have no idea if he is actually seeing his DC so much as he says, seems more like a convenient get out clause. If you've only had a couple of dates I would probably nix the idea of it being a relationship and if he continues to be in contact just try hanging out as friends and seeing where it goes, if anywhere, or if you already have enough friends just forget it. He doesn't seem to be in a position to start a relationship right now, and with the best will in the world you will lose patience when you are messed around, even if you do accept that it is because he has responsibilities.

I'm a bit doubtful about this one, I can't believe there's only been 2 opportunities to meet since May. If he's being truthful then there's not much in this for you anyway, but if you look at his actions rather than his words he's not actually doing everything he can to meet up imo.

Do you think that knowing each other for so long puts a different slant on things? That if you'd just met he might make more of an effort, feel the need to impress more, get to know you more?

Of course there's the possibility that he's not as single as he says.

I have said to him before...I feel like a bit of a mug and that I'm cutting him too much slack, but he assured me I wasn't
Let's face it, no-one is going to say "yes you are cutting me way too much slack. I'm just stringing you along because it suits me right now" though are they.

It doesn't matter why a man lets you down at the last moment, or can't make plans, etc, all that matters is that he isn't able to date you how you want. Concentrate on that thought and how you feel when he lets you down. I'm not saying he's deliberately messing you around, just that he is not in a position to be able to date at the moment and should wait until he's sorted all his drama out. In the meantime I think you should forget about him and get on with your life.

The biggest impression I get from reading MN (and the wider internet) and from my own experiences, is that way too many women put up with too much intentional and unintentional crap in relationships, me included. We cut men too much slack at the expense of our own happiness and we analyse the hell out of things in the desperate hope we can get a poor situation to work. Why?!

I date a dad with 3 DC. His DC comes as his 1st priority (so do mine to me!) however we make sure we find time for each other. I would not put up with constant letting down and cancelling. To be honest, 2 meet ups in the last 2 months shows either he is not interested or such a stresshead that not ready for any sort of commitment. You can be his friend if you want to but not worth waiting around.

I'd probably walk away. I've been in a similar position and it becomes really quite heartbreaking to have the constant let downs and disappointments. You're right in that his child should come first and if everything he says is true then he's doing his best - but for your own happiness (and sanity in my case!) it's kinder to yourself in the long run to walk away unless you think you can cope with potentially years of drama.

Hi all, thanks for the replies since I last logged in.

I don't think he's in the position to be dating or in a relationship.

@Gucci I think you have it right there, he does want to see me really but he just doesn't have the time or the emotional availability to be in a relationship, particularly such a new one.

It is difficult because usually when one is in a situation where they're being strung along, or not treated as they should be (and I've been on both sides of this), it is disappointing but quite easy to be a bit cross and walk away, knowing that you deserve better. But I can't be cross with him, I feel sorry for him and what he is going through and I still want things to work, but like PP have said it isn't fair on me and I may well be wasting my time. I think needed to hear that.

He is supposed to be calling me this weekend and so I will see what he has to say, I won't have a go at him though as the last thing he needs is that, but I will be firm and honest. I can't go on like this forever.

Re the not seeing me much in 2 months, for two weeks he was on holiday, so there is a little mitigation I guess. Also his DC sadly has some complex health issues, which are more likely to occur at night, and so he won't drink or anything if he has them overnight as it could affect his responses to an emergency situation. I don't really feel comfortable with seeing him after DC's bedtime just yet. Maybe a bit further down the line, if it happens. Not saying that we need to drink every time we see each other, but I think at this stage relaxed dates and going out are the best option.

He knows I am there for him and also that he keeps letting me down and he regrets that, but I think the main thing is I need to keep putting myself first and realise that if he isn't in the right place for a relationship for whatever reason, that is no reflection on me.

As for the concerns that he isn't single, I'm pretty much 100% certain that he is. In terms of his ex, she has been engaged since they split up and they are far from amicable, so I don't think there is anything going on there. As for other women, who knows but from how he is I'm pretty sure there isn't anyone else.

Thank you again for the replies