Not a big deal but...

[Hadagutsful]

Before I start this, I know there are a whole lot of people out there worse off than me.

DH's work seems to have taken over our lives. He works (theoretically) in a 9-5 job but the hours are creeping up and up. He brings work home in the evenings and on weekends. His phone seems to be ringing out of hours or pinging with emails. I gave up my job some years ago to be a stay at home parent: this was a decision we made together as we felt it was right for our family. We have 3 DC aged 7 and under. They're lovely, but hard work. He is an active parent when he's here but by the time he's home it's usually bath and bedtime and then after they're in bed he's working again.

I feel like I didn't sign up for this. It's not that he's bringing work home because he has poor time management skills - he's good at his job and because of this I think more is being asked of him. I don't think he'd ever say no to any of it, partly because he likes his job and partly because I think he likes being important and needed in the company. He's also being lined up for a promotion. I get that he's hardworking and I shouldn't moan about it but I feel more and more like our relationship is moving lower down his list of priorities.

I'm not sure if I should discuss it with him (or how to). He gets defensive if I try to suggest he's working too much. He also brushes it off by saying it'll be better after this deadline, or when someone is back from leave or a new starter comes into the team. It just never gets any better. Even if he's not working, he's then knackered so the best "quality time" we get is plonked in front of a box set. I kind of wish I'd never given up work, and perhaps he could have had a job with less responsibility so then his work/life balance might be a bit more even. Though he is quite ambitious (in a quiet way!), so perhaps that never would have happened.

I guess I'm asking, should I try to talk to him or just accept it as part of who he is?

Thanks for any advice.

OP to be clear, I absolutely love and respect my DF. He has always been passionate about helping others, and I know he has made tremendous positive impacts on so many people (has worked in policy, international development, local community programs, etc.). Neither of my parents ever realised until it was too late that they raised their children with the ingrained knowledge that such important work needed to get done and that it was normal to only see parents for a couple of hours a day, really. If anyone said this to my DM when I was younger, she would have had your exact reaction.

"the low value stuff such as cleaning and basic childcare."

Not sure basic childcare is low value to be honest.

Am also still not sure why, when doing what they want in terms of having children, they start to resent their partners for working to keep a house and home in place? Its very very hard to make everything balance in life and with costs today families are lucky if one salary covers everything. Of course, the load at home would need to be shared more of there were not a housewife dreaming of the 1950s stereotypical ideal.

I totally get the problem of partners who do more social and hobby stuff in time that can be spend with the family but this doesnt seem to be the case.

Find hobbies and volunteering activities to do OP and as been suggested, book clear time at weekends. DP and I dont have kids but we are busy people so its weekend time that suits us best together. Weeknights together are rare.

Also, my Dad moved around a lot for his job. Mum stayed at home until children were in late primary.

Mum and Dad decided that rather than move us into new schools every few years, he should stay away during the week. Weekends were full of activities with him (swimming, football etc.) and family stuff. During the week he wasnt missed really as we had cubs and brownies, dance, football etc. I get on well with my more so as an adult Dad because everything he did was for the family. He knew he was missing out on some homework time and bed time but he was there for us at weekends. We were never hungry, always had what we needed. And a good, balanced, uninterrupted education.

"normal to only see parents for a couple of hours a day" - by the time I was 10 this was normal as most of my evening activities started at 6.30pm-7pm and lasted until 9-ish and mum worked so wasnt home until 5.30-6pm due to traffic. All my activities were within cycling distance and after shower it was bed time.

And of course, military kids never see at least one parent for months at a time......

MorrisZapp, he does put the kids to bed. Well, we do it between us.

Sure, every family set up is different and we work with what we have, in the best way we can. I think on balance, our "best way" is slipping a bit and needs a bit of tweaking. I am going to achieve this by communicating with him, not arguing, and I am going to start having more confidence in myself to do things that I want to do or which feel important to me.

It's really difficult. I gave up work for a few years when I was 44 and my youngest DC was 4. When I tried to re-enter the work place 6 years later, I was hit with the double whammy of having a gap in my CV and being almost 50. I soon found that using recruitment consultants and applying online for jobs was getting me nowhere.
In the end, I asked around everyone I knew and mentioned to as many people as I could that I wanted paid work. Would this approach work for you OP?
It can take a while, but even if it takes months - it did with me - there could be good 'fit' eventually. It's surprising how employers want the reassurance of someone they either know or know of (and I'm most certainly not a good net worker, by the way).
With your husband's fixation on work - I don't know what to say. I am now the main earner and if my husband suggested I work less, it would make me feel more stressed. Even if I was working ineffectively (which happens to most of us) I still wouldn't welcome that sort of conversation. My kids are older though, so in less need of parenting...
So my suggestion is to put concerns about being a nuisance aside and ask people. You could be the answer to someone's prayers.

Thanks Meripenopause, I'll give it a go! Not quite yet though, as I said upthread it's a bit too soon for me to return to work because of childcare issues.

I have identified some volunteering opportunities though. Go me.