Intimacy after baby

[Husband85]

Hi all

My Wife and I have been together 8 years and married for 3. We now have two sons, the youngest arriving about 7 months ago. Since our second son was born there has been a near total lack of not just sexual intimacy but intimacy of any kind on her part. This is exacerbated by the fact that we have been sleeping in separate rooms most nights since a short time before we were married due to my sleep apnea and certainly since the youngest came along.

I'm well aware that her libido will be limited by a hundred different factors such as lack of energy, tiredness, hormones from breast feeding, body image problems (she is overweight and two sections have left her unhappy with her appearance - not that it makes her any less sexy to me) and so on. I try to be patient with her and, while we have had sex 3 or 4 times since the birth, there is an undercurrent of her only doing it to appease me and tide me over. She assures me she wants to and insists we continue but it makes me uncomfortable to feel like she doesn't.

I've tried to talk to her about it but the conversation always shuts down. She tells me she's just not in the mood for the reasons above, and that is completely fine. I can understand that she doesn't want to but it hurts to feel that she doesn't want to want to. Sex aside she never wants to kiss, cuddle or even spend any time alone with me. Our youngest still sleeps with her and, when he goes to sleep, she tells me she's tired, gets in bed and closes the door - though I can see on the baby monitor she plays on her tablet and watches TV for hours alone. Essentially, I wake up alone, go to work in an office alone, come home and watch the kids for a bit, put our toddler to bed, have some tea then she goes to bed with the baby leaving me alone. I tidy up, watch a bit of TV then go to bed. Alone. She never asks how I am, how my day went, about things that interest me. If I try and tell her anything she zones out. I've even been visibly upset several times and retreated to the bathroom to cry when the loneliness overwhelms me but then she just seems annoyed that I'm not perfectly happy and I'm making her feel bad.

I try to be a caring and attentive husband. I always do nice things for her and tell her she's beautiful and show her I love her. I'm an engaged father and love spending as much time as possible with the boys when I'm not at work. I'm active around the house and in the garden to keep the place nice and I even cook sometimes (my Wife doesn't normally let me though I do offer constantly). All that is missing is my marriage. I'm not expecting her to drop her knickers on demand or anything. I'm not even saying its a problem that she isn't in the mood. The last thing I want to sound like is some sex mad man that doesn't respect her but surely there comes a point when I'm allowed to ask that we do something about it. She never wants to be near me so she doesn't miss it. I want to be with her every day and it is beginning to get me down. I'm bordering on too much information, I know, but I don't even have the confidence anymore to effectively take care of things myself. I don't use porn instead just thinking of times I've been with my Wife and her lack of interest is crossing into my memory of her. Even the best times we've had I feel like she didn't really want to. I know that's not true but that attitude is pervasive.

I've lost count of how many articles and discussions I've read on this topic and the answers have not been exactly helpful. The male response borders on misogynistic 'she needs to understand I have needs as well so get her told' and, on the other extreme, assurances that my feelings are irrelevant given what she has gone through with childbirth, breast feeding etc. Some even suggest cheating to get what I need but that doesn't help - I don't want to just get my rocks off. I want that intimacy with my Wife. It's worthless if it isn't her.

I just want someone to acknowledge and reassure me that I'm not wrong for feeling this way. I love my kids but I miss my Wife. I've tried everything I can think of but every time I try to talk about it I'm made to feel like I'm a sex mad teenager trying to talk her into doing what I want. No-one seems to understand it goes deeper than that - its affection in general that I need from her and it's killing me.

You sound so lonely . I have to admit whilst breastfeeding I did exactly as your wife does and completely shut out my dh . I'm sure it's hormones . I stopped bf when dd was 2 and my sex drive has come back more rampant than ever . I love cuddling kissing and have sex daily now . When breastfeeding I just felt sex was revolting and had no interest at all . Be patient and keep talking to her is my advice . You are doing everything right and sound a lovely man

I still loved my dh but I just felt repulsed by sex . I was terrified to show Gina my affection because if I did he immediately would ask for sex or think I was turned on. I know he was lonely like you but I turned into a recluse and shut myself away from him for fear of him wanting sex when I felt so disgusting and turned off

I was going to say it takes a while for the sex life to readjust but reading on I feel as though your wife is being quite selfish in going to bed each night and leaving you to your own devices.

Does she know how upset this makes you feel? Have you been on any date nights?

Why can't you look after the baby in the evening? Do you offer to help in the night?

I think the lack of sex is the least of your worries. Your wife does not seem happy to spend time in your company.

Him any not Gina

Why can't you look after the baby in the evening? Do you offer to help in the night?

@quitelikely5 - I try to help with him but, I guess because he's breastfed, he has really bad separation anxiety from her. If she's holding him he smiles and plays with me. As soon as I hold him I have a maximum of two or three minutes before he starts crying. If I'm alone with him its even less than that and he's inconsolable. We're going to put him in his own room as soon as possible but I don't know where that leaves me re: sleeping. She said I can sleep with her but, thanks to my apnea I snore very loudly, so she'll use earplugs and leave me listening out for both kids. Either that or I'm on the couch.

I'm sorry you're going through this, it's really lonely & miserable.

I went through something similar, but we didn't have children and it was him, not me, that became distant. It hurts.

I was going to ask if there's anything you can do about your sleep apnoea that would mean you could share a bed, but actually, it doesn't sound like she would want that anyway if she's shutting you out of the bedroom anyway :(

Being with the kids all day can make you feel really 'touched out' and mentally worn out and sometimes all you want is to be left alone with your own thoughts, tv, phone etc & not to have to engage with anything/anyone, but not every single night, not when you're married.

Does she show any signs of post natal depression? Does she happily see friends & family?

Do you ever take BOTH the kids out at the weekend?

Cross posted with you.

Re DS2 crying, how often do you have him on your own? Does she go out of the house, or do you take them out of the house? He's 7 months now so should be on solids & able to take a sippy cup etc. You NEED to take control instead of just letting him rule the roost. If, god forbid, she ended up in hospital or something you'd have to deal with it, there's no reason not to do so now.

I'm all for the baby staying in the parents bedroom until (at least) a year, so I'd find a side sleeper or cot so you can move be back in (I wouldn't co sleep if you're suffered from SA). IMO separate sleeping really does create a distance between two people unless they BOTH want it & both make an effort to spend time together cuddling etc before bed. It's not something I'd want, or put up with, in my relationship.

Do you sit and eat together, no TV or phones etc? Presumably the baby goes to bed at 7ish now so you should have your evenings or do they not sleep?

I think that you're well within your rights to ask her to sit with you and have dinner together so you can have a conversation. I don't think you can expect sex but you're not coming across that way. I expect that your DW is just knackered and in that baby bubble where you're just surviving.

Hopefully she'll come back to you but you need to communicate that you're feeling isolated - maybe ask her if there's anything you can do to take the load off so she has more energy? Try not to blame her but express that you're having the conversation out of concern for her and why she's shutting herself in.

@AnnieAnoniMouse

I've tried a few things with the apnea but nothing seems to work. I think its a little unfair to her to say she's shutting me out of the bedroom but she does seem to retreat there most nights. She has mentioned feeling what you call 'touched out' and I appreciate that but I feel like I never get close to her. I've put on weight recently as well and, between that and my breathing problems, I'm starting to feel like a fat, old, wheezing mess and not very attractive.

I've been wondering about the depression but its a tender subject. In her mind she just gets on with it and, when a health visitor suggested she might be suffering from it with our first born, she seemed really offended. That said, most of our conversations these days do seem to centre around how hard it is to look after the boys during the day and how tired she is.

We don't get out as much as we can but I'm always home evenings and weekends. We just tend to sit in the lounge or maybe go into the garden if the weather's nice. We don't have a lot of money for going out anywhere. I do feel guilty about that and I want to start taking the boys out places at the weekend anyway.

My dh couldn't settle my dd or play with her or anything . She would only want me and would cry as soon as he tried to hold her . It was infuriating at times but now she is 2 it's like a distant memory . I won't lie it took till dd was 1 before dh could look after her whilst I went to local shop or did some housework etc . I bf till she was 2 and co slept till 2 also . She is now I toddler bed next to our bed and we are like Newley weds again and my sex drive is through the roof . It was definitely my hormones and lack of any me time . I would go to bed alone with baby because as soon as she was asleep I had some alone time and no one touching me or needing me . I can see now how lonely my dh must have felt but at the time I felt justified that I needed some space . I'm making it up to him now tho

@missanony

Hi yeah we'll eat together but generally when the kids are awake. At the very least the baby is there and we just watch a bit of telly. We do have our noses in our phones more than I'd like as well which is a bad habit that we share. Even though we're in the room together we're sat at opposite ends of the room. She normally has the baby on her and is surrounded by everything she needs to keep him happy so little room for me.

Baby can take until 9-10 to go to sleep some nights. Sometimes he'll sleep sooner and she'll stay in the room but he is still a physical barrier keeping me from sitting with her (though I love him dearly!)

Ride it out,it'll get better,life with small children can be hell. I'm amazed anyone stays together tbh.

Looking back those early years were really hard ,but as the children grow you find a whole new level of intimacy.

Keep talking and keep trying to be close rather than sexual. She might be afraid of intimacy in case it leads to sex and she's not up for that atm.

She sounds like me after DC2 was born. I was just trying to survive every single day. I was very unhappy with my life, the children exhausted me, the lack of sleep was depressing me, I didn't like my body, etc etc. It was a dreadful time.
When DC2 was 9 months or so things improved, he started sleeping better and I reduced bf to one feed a day. I started feeling better about everything in my life and as a consequence, my sex drive returned.
I'm sorry you're in this situation, she definitely isn't any happier than you are. The thing is, babies can suck the joy out of everything, it doesn't matter if it's your first, second or tenth baby. Give things time to improve, 7 months is still early days.
That said, I would try and talk to her as much as possible - be as frank as possible, tell her how you're feeling and also how her behaviour affects you.
Could you maybe ask someone she trusts to speak to her about possible pnd? Her mum, a close friend?

I can understand where she's coming from even more if he's asleep until then. Hopefully the baby will give her a bit more time on her own soon and need to feed less if he's being weaned onto solid food. Exclusive breastfeeding is a right old slog and she probably resents you for getting full nights sleep in the spare room whilst she's sleeping with the baby, even though there's not a whole lot you can do about it!

The first year is survival!

Exclusive breastfeeding is hard hard work and honestly by 7pm I was done in . I had 3 other kids also to feed bathe and put to bed . Hubby wud come in from work and I was that tired I couldn't even be arsed to talk about my day . He would ask what I'd be doing and inside I would want to scream "THE SAME SHIT AS YESTERDAY , breastfeed , clean , cook , breastfeed" it truly is soul destroying and mundane at times . I know you will want her to engage in chit chat but honestly all she will be thinking is how she can't wait for all kids to be asleep so she can have peace . Yes I was selfish as I didn't want to interact or make polite chit chat with dh . I was tired , hormonal and seriously on the verge of a breakdown and all that kept me going was the thought of climbing into bed when baby was asleep at 9pm and having an hour or two on my phone or reading with no one talking at me or touching me . I sound a right selfish bitch but honestly now my youngest is 2 I am back to my old self and dh has me back ( I mean somedays I'm a grumpy bitch still haha)

You sound lovely and very supportive, OP.

I personally can't relate to how your wife feels. I'm the opposite, I can't wait for my bf to be home so I have some adult company.

A few things that might help the overall situation though.....
Definitely work on your bond/relationship with the youngest. My DD is breast fed, but her daddy does bath/bed time, lots of skin on skin cuddles, he takes her swimming and to the park etc.

Also you mention not doing much because of money/expense. I'm a big believer in getting out and about for children and adults. Could you maybe suggest a family walk a few times a week? Trip to the park or swimming pool? Maybe set aside a set day/time that you do something with both DC, so your wife gets some 'me time'.
I love my Sunday mornings when BF takes DD swimming and I can read a book, paint my nails or anything else I feel like, it's strictly no housework time though well I might hang the washing out if it's nice

Definitely discuss it with your wife, make sure she knows it's not about sex! But about having some time together as a couple and mention that you want to develop your relationship with youngest dc more.
Start small, maybe one night a week you have dinner together after dc are in bed. A set time or even a evening with no phones (although I admit I'd struggle to do that!). A movie night once a week, where you sit together to watch something, get some goodies in and snuggle up.

Seven months into babyhood is still the emergency phase. You are barely holding on. I'm afraid it's pretty normal to be barely surviving, particularly emotionally. In my experience this only started to let up, for me, when the child was over the age of 2.

I weaned from the breast at around 2, so that probably has something to do with it as well.

OP, you need to get some coping mechanisms in place pronto. I mean this very very gently, your wife is not going to be able to help you feel better, she is overwhelmed and she has a right to be.

You need to get out with friends or have someone to have a phone call with at least... go to the gym or walk - take the baby, let him scream, that's part of bringing him up and helping him feel safe without mummy... start some kind of self improvement project. You cannot mope and cry about how lonely you are. You have to get on with it. This is how things are with children.

If you feel you're actually depressed, and you sound it, you MUST get to the GP and get on ADs.

The longer you visibly long for her to take care of you better (what I mean is - you rely on her intimacy with you to be the thing that makes you feel ok with yourself), the more it will erode the relationship. You can't put your entire self esteem on whether your wife is showing you affection. Of course it would be nice if she did, and of course you need affection, but she can't give it right now so you need to take care of yourself better.

This stage is either temporary - in which case you need to marshal your internal resources and make the best of it
Or it is permanent - in which case, exactly the same as above. Your happiness is YOUR responsibility. While a good, close romantic relationship is wonderful, there are some facts to face, including the fact that says you can't always rely on your partner to be who you require them to be...

I think your wife is feeling destroyed and drained. I HATED the stage that she is currently in. Honestly it traumatized me. I didn't have anything left to give to my partner, whether I wanted to or not didn't factor into it. I just had nothing so I could give nothing. My partner had to take care of himself for that stage. Did he like it? Probably not. I certainly didn't. But what's the alternative?

I'm very sorry that you are so unhappy. Not only are you missing sexual intimacy, but you and your wife don't seem to share any emotional intimacy either. As a mom, I agree with the other posters who remember what this time of life was like with very young children and breastfeeding on top of it. It is VERY challenging, and I think so many women don't even feel like themselves because your body is just a mess due to hormones, child birth and nursing. I do think things will get better for you in time. Try to stay engaged and perhaps you could initiate some date nights when you and your wife could get the hell out of the house and spend quality time together.

Most importantly, I REALLY think you need to make a HUGE effort to get your weight and health under control. The way you feel physically is compounding everything, and feeling poorly about how you look stomps all over your self-confidence and that negativity translates into every aspect of your life. I think if your wife sees how you are making a great effort to improve yourself, that may very well inspire her to snap out of her depressing frame of mind as well.