My DH has walked out and I am devastated

[Tearsofthemushroom]

I just don't know how to go on. He told me yesterday morning that he was leaving me. Out of the blue. We have an 8 and 10 year old and have been together for 22 years. He was/is my soul mate and best friend.

He told me he doesn't love me any more but he does care for me. Also he had a one night stand a few weeks ago and he didn't feel guilty afterwards, which seems to be what has triggered him leaving.
He has gone until Saturday he said, please tell me that there is a chance we can come back from this.
I have suggested that we try counselling but I don't know if it is too late.

What do I do?
Please help me, the children are devastated and so am I.

About eighteen months ago, I did what you've done.

I was desperate, distraught and devastated, just wanted to save my family.

I regret that so deeply now. It's unfixable, but now I am trapped, until it happens again, it's so awful, this half life.

Think again, seize the moment, it is truly terrible. But better now than a miserable existence, doubting everything.

In what circumstances did he have a ONS? He is a parent with two young DC, and all the associated responsibilities. How did he just drift towards this? Where was he? Where did you think he was? Surely he was not able to just walk into a nearby pub and hook up?

If it was work related you need to face up to the agonising possibility/probability that it was and is more than this. And I suspect that he didn't feel guilty because he'd put in the work before he gave himself permission to cheat in order that he could. Whatever your hopes you owe it to yourself to ask a lot more about this.

Do not fall into the trap of blaming yourself and problems in your relationship for him checking out and shagging OW.

Has he shared email/social
Media/work
Email passwords/phone pin? He may well have lied and deleted damning texts and emails.

He's not worth hanging on to. He's managed to get you believing that you're to blame, you drove him to screw someone else (and I don't believe he's planning to change that). He's a shit.

Sorry OP.

Although I would have massive trust issues and resentment towards someone who did that to me and children, I hope it all works out for you.

As others have said, be pragmatic and get your financial house in order.

Take care, all the best.

I really hope it works out for you.

Although the ONS was a terrible thing, I have some sympathy for your DH. I told my XH again and again that I was unhappy and that things needed to change. Just like you, he ignored me over and over. Nothing changed. And, just like your DH, it eroded my love for him, until one day I told him it was over. And he was devastated. But by that point it was too late; the love has been replaced with resentment and our marriage was over.

I hope you're not at that stage.

I would counsel that You don't automatically take all the responsibility for the things that make your DH unhappy though. Take responsibility for not taking his unhappiness seriously enough, but then evaluate each specific issue on its own merits. Is the issue truly a thing that reasonably needs to be fixed? What's your role in fixing it? Just as importantly, what's his role in fixing it? Don't become a doormat; he'll have responsibilities to your relationship too.

Also, don't forget to raise any issues with the relationship making you unhappy, and get those fixed too.

How did u find out about the ons how can u be sure that it was just once
He should be moving heaven and earth to regain your trust
I hope it works out for u X

I think if anything good can come of this it is to find you again. Although there is never an excuse to cheat, I admire that you are taking responsibility for your part in the relationship too.

Right now you are clinging onto him and things may or may not, but prepare yourself for all range of emotions to come.

Good luck xxx

What an awful thing to happen - I do wish you the very best of luck. I'm concerned to hear you blaming yourself for your husband choosing to have sex with another woman, though. I did this too, when my exh had an affair. It was because he had manipulated me for years and years into taking responsibility for his crummy behaviour towards me. Needless to say our marriage ended and I'm now in a very different type of relationship and am happy with a dp who would never blame me for his decisions.

I'd advise you to get individual counselling, just for you, asap, so you can talk this over with a neutral person. Don't try marriage counselling - it will just be a forum for his self-justification. Don't do the pick me dance if you can possibly help it. Make sure you are financially secure and go to see a lawyer. Do not tell him you are doing this. I'm afraid that it's important to really take to heart that he has betrayed you terribly and that you need to look out for your own and your children's interests first.

Good luck for whatever you decide to do. Post here for support.

You're acting out of desperation and fear at the moment.

Tears, this is not your fault. Don't let him blame you.
Chances are OW doesn't want him so he's hedging his bets with you.
Cut him loose even for a while. Make sure you use a condom and get checked if you are HB.
You can do this 💪🏻💪🏻💪🏻💪🏻
As my friends say to me we have to suck it up and walk it off.
He needs to beg and fight for you not the other way around.
Take care

I have been going through the menopause and I am not the same person I used to be. I am very unhappy in myself and had withdrawn from everything and self medicated with food and alcohol. He has said several times over this period that he was unhappy but each time I glossed over it as a temporary thing.

OP i too have gone through the menopause. Its been quite tough, myody has changed, and along with it my libido has pretty much disappeared.. I also got depressed. I ate and drank too much . Ive had to 'recallibrate' who I am and what I am for.

Never in all that time ( even though he admitted several times that he found the changes to our intimate relationship a bit challenging and hated to see me depressed ) did my DH have an affair, think of having one or suggest leaving..

He has been kind, loving and has made it abundantly clear that we were a team and in it for the long stretch whatever (and however i was after meno.. ).. and we have worked togerther to renegotiate our intimate life, what we want to achieve and how our relationship is ..

Thats what growing older together is.. ( He of course is also going through bodily and mental changes as we all do in our mid/later lives) .

Its not always been easy , but we are now just about to start a 'retired from work ' life together and are looking forward to the fun and challenges of that !

It is not your fault he looked elsewhere . Kind, committed Partners dont do that .

Another one who thinks the OW isn't ready for him full time yet.

You don't go from "I don't love you" 2 and I'm leaving, to I'll give it a try.

At the moment you're the back up plan.

So now you have the job of trying to get your husband to fall back in love you.... While you jump through hoops and backflips to hang on to your husband who didn't feel any guilt after a so called ONS.