Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

He's fell off the wagon again!

49 replies

ginnedupmummy · 26/03/2007 10:03

Message withdrawn

OP posts:
ginnedupmummy · 26/03/2007 13:54

Message withdrawn

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 26/03/2007 14:08

GUM,

Don't let his alcoholism affect yet another generation like your Dad's did and still continues to do. The circumstances are different now but the underlying patterns are the same.

It needs to be estabished how serious your partner actually is about getting help for his alcoholism. I hope he does decide to seek help for his own self because he cannot solve this on his own. He is ill and he needs to treat this as an illness.

Keep going with your own counselling.

With best wishes

Attila x

ginnedupmummy · 26/03/2007 14:15

Message withdrawn

OP posts:
ginnedupmummy · 27/03/2007 10:30

Message withdrawn

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 27/03/2007 14:27

Hi GUM

I'm sure he is feeling very sorry - till the next time he drinks to excess. Not at all surprised to see you're feeling very cynical; you've heard this all before from him haven't you?.

He still wants to try and give up on his own?.

The ball in now your court - what are you going to do if he falls off the wagon again?.
You need to out yourself and your children first now. Not suggesting you haven't done this to date but he cannot keep throwing this all back at you. You after all are not responsible for him ultimately.

When I suggest he seeks help and goes away to get it what I mean is that he needs to go into a properly run detox program on his own without you and your children to visit because he uses you all as an emotional crutch. He knows he can do this repeatedly and you forgive him. If he is truly serious about wanting to address this problem he would do this without protest.

Did you ask him about getting proper help, and if so what was his answer?.

He also needs a complete sea change of lifestyle - he will have to give up his old life of drinking buddies because they are not helping him. Some of them could be alcoholic as well.

There are no guarantees here - he may not be able to stop drinking even if he had access to proper help. He could ultimately drink himself to death.

There would certainly be no drink in your house but he drinks outside the home anyway. Not giving him access to drink indoors is not going to address his problem that starts outside.

ginnedupmummy · 28/03/2007 13:03

Message withdrawn

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 28/03/2007 13:20

Hi GUM,

He's very good at denial isn't he?. One of his problems is although he thinks he can stop for good he cannot - he has always at some point returns to alcohol for whatever reasons. His image of what an alcoholic is needs to be challenged too - alcoholics do hold down jobs and not drink everyday. They can equally also lose their job due to drink dependency. They are all alcohol dependent.

The harsh fact is that if he cannot or will not accept he has alcohol dependency issues then no-one can help him. Its down to him ultimately; its his choice.

All you can do for your own self is look after you and your children. He is not your responsibility.

I wish he would accept outside help for his own sake but he seemingly cannot or will not
do this for anybody least of all himself. Maybe it will take you leaving him behind to address this. Even with this there are no guarantees he will stop drinking. He needs to reach rock bottom and he's not there yet and even if he gets there he may still continue to drink.

You need support for your own self and I would urge you to contact Al-anon if you have not already done so.

Am certainly not fed up with you perish the thought!!.

With best wishes

Attila

Mumpbump · 28/03/2007 13:27

GUM - I remember your last post... Sorry to hear he's fallen off the wagon. Unfortunately, the road to recovery from an addiction is a long one and it's probably unrealistic to expect that once he's made a decision to stop drinking, he will simply never go on a bender again.

If I were in your shoes, I would say the following:

"I've given you the opportunity to show that you can do it on your own and the fact you've been on such a bender shows that you can't. I want you to go to AA (or similar organisation) and get some proper help. If you aren't prepared to do this for me and the children, then it is clear that you are not serious about dealing with your problem in which case, I do not think I can continue with this. Nor do I want the children to have to live with a father who has a drinking problem as I had to."

I wouldn't write him off because of one relapse, but think you need to make a bit more of a stand to get him to seek professional help...

motheroftwoboys · 29/03/2007 18:20

Just to say if you ever want to talk then feel free to e-mail me. My DH is a recovering alcoholic, we went through years of hell, three detoxes then he eventually went to residential rehab for six months and I have got the man I married back. It is a long road but it can get better and there are many lovely people in AA. I know of many people in your situation and remember the time when I didn't talk about it and tried to keep it secret. It doesn't work! You are enabling him to carry on! Unfortunately he really needs to hit "rock bottom" as they say - and he obviously hasn't. By the way, I remember, in the early years of my DHs drinking he would occasionally go to AA (to keep me quiet) and he would always tell me that he "wasn't like them". Eventually he was, and he was drinking a bottle or two of vodka every day. The problem with the awful disease of alcoholism is that it is a one way road. They only get worse. They stop - or they die. I would suggest you buy the series books by Toby Rice Drews called "Getting Them Sober". They helped me hugely. There is also a brilliant website. Alanon meetings can help but it really depends on the group of people you get at the meeting. My local meetings were mainly children of or parents of alcoholics and not in the same situation as me at all.

ginnedupmummy · 30/03/2007 13:50

Message withdrawn

OP posts:
Ifonlyhewould · 30/03/2007 14:07

Lets all get a big house together ginnedupmummy and have done with all these useless excuses for men imagine how clean it would be!! No man mess! Keep smiling, i am thinking of you X

ginnedupmummy · 30/03/2007 14:10

Message withdrawn

OP posts:
Mumpbump · 30/03/2007 14:11

Sorry to hear about your job. That can't help things... Hope he doesn't go to the pub and you can have a nice, sober weekend together...

ginnedupmummy · 30/03/2007 14:29

Message withdrawn

OP posts:
ginnedupmummy · 30/03/2007 16:02

Message withdrawn

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 30/03/2007 16:03

GUM

What are you going to do if he comes in drunk or in a similar state to last time?

ginnedupmummy · 30/03/2007 16:18

Message withdrawn

OP posts:
Mumpbump · 30/03/2007 16:51

What a tosser! Especially when you could no doubt do with some support.

Ifonlyhewould · 30/03/2007 18:56

Ok! Lets go house hunting! With a stop at Ann Summers on the way

Keep smiling x

ginnedupmummy · 31/03/2007 10:05

Message withdrawn

OP posts:
Ifonlyhewould · 31/03/2007 13:32

Please don't be so hard on yourself. You are coping with such a lot. This is a really difficult time for you and i'm sure no one is going to condemn you for having too much to drink.
I just hope you are ok. Please don't let this situation drag you down.
Thinking of you XX

ginnedupmummy · 01/04/2007 11:36

Message withdrawn

OP posts:
Mumpbump · 02/04/2007 11:22

I think HIM saying he thinks you should go to Relate is a very good thing. I hope he follows through on it... Nothing in life is easy, is it??

Ifonlyhewould · 02/04/2007 11:44

All of us ladies picking up the pieces, clearing up the aftermath of our DH/DP trails of destruction. I wonder what would happen if it were the other way round? If the boot was on the other foot.

Thinking of you ginnedupmummy. Sending you a HUGE hug. I hope your DH comes through for you xx

New posts on this thread. Refresh page