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Relationships

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Original poster

Is she gay

27 replies

Sadhubby · 19/07/2017 18:13

So after having overwhelming feelings for about a year my wife kissed a woman and decided it 'felt right'. She said she was Bi.

Fast forward a few months she tells me these feelings for women are so overwhelming she is 'freaking out'. But she loves me and doesn't want to loose what we have.

She says that if we were separated she only sees herself in a relationship with a woman.. Ever. She doesn't feel sexually attracted to men, except me. We still have sex and good sex. She says she enjoys sex with me and is turned on with me.

She says she has at times been sexually attracted to other men but not for a while. She says her interest in men right now is zero.

She says if she had to put a number on it she is 'is in the high percentage' of being gay - but says she can't be because she loves me and wants to go to bed with me.

She's never been to bed with a woman but says she knows she would like it.

I've said to her we can stay together is she can assure me she can manage her feelings for women in whatever way and still be happy because as long as we are together I will never agree to allow her to explore. I'm just too jealous for that. Simple.

She's not sure if she can manage them. She said the feelings for women are stronger than her feelings for me... decision made then surely she is gay... two days later it's me she wants....two days later is women... and so on and so on

I get it's a big thing to admit and it's a struggle but my thoughts are she is gay. Gay and scared. I don't doubt she loves me because our relationship has been as close to perfect as it can be for 14 years. Two kids, house, good jobs, good life, good sex, good relationship, still very close, still enjoy each other's company and all them things. She still wants the 'how was your day' with me and the plans we made and the chats we have. She says I still turn her on but I am the only man she wants. Period.

But surely if these feelings are stronger than feelings for me when things are really really good between us (apart from this) she is gay??

Before anyone asks no I won't agree to an open relationship, for a one off explore for her or anything else. It's a straight choice. Me and only me or leave and explore - maybe it won't work out for her but maybe it will.

I'm begining to get to the conclusion I need to leave for my own sanity but my love for her is so strong it's unreal as I do believe she loves me so much. So why all this hurt?

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 19/07/2017 18:16

It doesn't make a difference to me what her sexuality is

She has already cheated on you and is letting herself off the hook already to do it again

Time to end it

NotAnotherNoughtiesTune · 19/07/2017 18:19

Agree withAF

Also it's often not a case of gay, bi etc - human sexuality is far more complicated than that so yes it's possible you're the only man she's turned on by because she may usually be turned on by woman but she is emotionally sexually attracted to you.

Or she might be bi or even just bi curious and is doing a midlife crisis and wonders how green the grass is.

Whichever it's not fair for her to pull you to and fro.

laGrosellaEspinosa · 19/07/2017 18:19

I don't think your biggest issue is labelling her correctly either bi or gay.

She isn sitting there telling you that she has over whelming feelings for somebody else, but she doesn't want to lose you either. What are you supposed to do with that?!

I wouldn't dream of suggesting an open relationship! Recipe for pain that.

I would tell her that no matter how she labels herself, if she's in a relationship with you she has to value you and desire you and confide in you and not allow herself to be conflicted and daydreaming about other people to the point where she is ''over whelmed'' by her feelings for somebody she's not even actually in a clandestine relationship with. Or is she?

regrouted · 19/07/2017 18:20

You share a love for one another, a home, a family and a life. It must be incredibly frightening and painful to face the thought of giving that up. But surely, in order for the both of you to not live a half life, you need to face up to the fact that you're worth more than having someone hold on to you because they are unsure about their sexuality and what they want.

isawahatonce · 19/07/2017 18:21

It is possible to be bisexual with a strong preference for one gender so that may be what she is, only she can really know. Either way, she has cheated on you and it seems she would quite like to do it again so I don't see that this relationship is likely to make either of you happy in the long term. I think that you are right that you need to leave for your own sanity. I expect this is a very confusing and frightening time for her but none of this is fair on you.

OnionKnight · 19/07/2017 18:23

Tell her to fuck off if she fancies someone else.

Otherwise she'll see it as a green light to cheat again.

CremeFresh · 19/07/2017 18:30

Would you be so confused if this was other men she's lusting after ? It doesn't matter what type of person she says she fancies really, the fact is she's telling you that she does and this isn't acceptable in any relationship.

user1498328475 · 19/07/2017 18:31

I suspect she wants you to give her 'permission' to explore further her sexuality knowing she has the safety net if returning to what she has with you in case it's not what she wants after all. Think you have 2 choices. Agree to that or tell her to make a decision now.

Heratnumber7 · 19/07/2017 18:32

Everyone/most people has sexual feelings for people other than their partners. But if you're married or in a LTR you don't do anything about them. End of. Regardless of the sex of the non-partner person you have feelings about.
That's what you promise at the marriage ceremony.

itsbetterthanabox · 19/07/2017 19:24

I'm bi. I go through phases where I feel like I only like a certain sex. Where she's just come out and it feels new then this is most likely why she's thinking she's gay.
It is however irrelevant as if she loves you she shouldn't be cheating. She needs to stop messing you about.

Original poster

Sadhubby · 19/07/2017 19:54

Thanks for your reply. Do you have the overwhelming urge like she says she does? I can see it when shes upset how much it's effects her and how much it stresses her out.

OP posts:

NormaNameChange · 19/07/2017 20:30

Being Bi isnt about wanting or needing people of both genders to be fulfilled. It's about sexual preference. I find some women, sexually attractive; I find some (although less) men sexually attractive. Being in a relationship with a man, sure I find myself day dreaming about my (probably) straight female colleague but I wouldnt ACT on it, because Ive made a conscious choice to be one someone with whom I am exceptionally compatible with, who just happens to have a penis.

Someone asked if you would find the decision easier if she was lusting after men and I think that's how you need to view it. She's telling you she loves you, but wants to have sex with more people than just you...irrespective of their gender she is asking for an open relationship; something you have said you wouldn't accept. The fact it's a woman/women is a red herring to me.

Yes this means she will be unable to explore (or will simply cheat) but she chose to be in a relationship with you, she needs to decide if its what she wants to continue OR leave and sleep with whomever she pleases.

mum11970 · 19/07/2017 22:21

What she's saying is she loves you but not enough to stay faithful. Whether she wants to be unfaithful with a man or a woman is immaterial. Tell her she's either faithful or she needs to leave.

Aquamarine1029 · 19/07/2017 23:44

I get the impression she is trying to get you to allow her a free pass to sleep with women, which is certainly not acceptable.

Bigballer69 · 20/07/2017 02:04

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

tccat · 20/07/2017 02:53

Bigballer that's so tragic it's hilarious, what a massive emotionally stunted bellend you are

onemorecupofcoffeefortheroad · 20/07/2017 06:15

Sexuality isn't polarised - it's a sliding scale and your wife is probably towards the gay end of the scale whilst not being at the far end.
I was your wife - I was with a man for 14yrs, married for 10, two kids, nice house, good job etc. Met and fell in love with a woman - it was cataclysmic. Still loved my husband and still sexually attracted to him had no desire for any other man but my feelings for other woman were utterly overwhelming. Wind forward ten years - my marriage to ex H is over and I am living with and married to my female partner.

If your wife is anything like me these feelings won't go away and she'll feel a need to act on them again. It's actually not uncommon for women's sexuality to change mid life and after having children - I know a number of women this has happened to.

There's little you can do if (quite rightly) you don't want to live in an open marriage, apart from ending it or waiting to see if her feelings settle or dissipate which I guess they might. In many ways it's up to you and what you consider to be deal breakers as far as the marriage is concerned.

There's a chance once she's explored a bit she'll be satisfied and that will be that. It's quite possible but it's whether you want to remain married to her whilst she's going through that process.

Saiman · 20/07/2017 06:31

She is distressed because she is hoping her distress will make you say 'oh darling i hate to see you so upset. Why not explore this part of you and i will wait around while you decide'.

Quite rightly, your arent doing that. My dh is bi. Sex with other people is off the table for both of us. Regardless of his sexuality, he committed to me.

I imagine he does fantasise from time to time. But the fact is that he loves me. If that changes he is free to go. But no way would i have him saying he wants to have sex with other people more than he wants to be with me. That would end the marriage there and then.

Thephoneywar · 20/07/2017 07:34

Rather than making her decide I think you need to have the courage to make the decision yourself. Either you let her embrace her bisexuality and have an open relationship or some shared swinging experiences or you end it now. Choice is yours to be honest.

Original poster

Sadhubby · 20/07/2017 07:53

So she tells me last night our marriage is worth a try. She assures me she can find a way to cope with her feelings because we are so compatible and so good together and she loves me more than her other feelings we can make it work.. .. suppose time will tell

OP posts:

CremeFresh · 20/07/2017 08:18

I hope it works out for you .

LellyMcKelly · 20/07/2017 08:54

She is telling you that she fancies other women and that her feelings for them are stronger than her feelings for you. When somebody tells you who they are, listen to them.

My exH came out to me and it was the end of the marriage. We still get along fine as friends, though I'm angry that he allowed me to spend so much time thinking I was unattractive. If you split, it allows both of you the chance to lead the honest lives that will make you happy.

I've moved on to a new partner who is mad about me and it has made such a difference to my happiness and wellbeing.

KarmaNoMore · 20/07/2017 09:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Hairq · 20/07/2017 10:29

I know it's hard to understand if you haven't been there, but realising you're gay when you're married is very different to lusting after another man or having an affair. It doesn't excuse an affair, but it isn't as black and white as "you are married and therefore you don't cheat". Discovering that your sexuality is not as you thought it was your entire life affects your entire life and identity and many men and women feel they need proof that this is real before they end their marriage with someone they e always loved very much, and not their mind playing tricks on them - hence affairs can happen. As I said, it doesn't make them right, but it is complicated and as difficult for her as it is for you, believe it or not. She obviously loves you very much. Possibly you need to let her go. Things can't continue as they are anyway.

ravenmum · 20/07/2017 11:03

" it isn't as black and white as "you are married and therefore you don't cheat"."
Why not? I understand that it must be confusing and incredibly exciting, yet terrifying. But that doesn't give you a ticket to cheat. People on the verge of splitting up to be with someone new are always worried if they are doing the wrong thing, that's why so many of them stick around, making their partners' life hell while they cheat on them.
If I was talking to this woman I'd encourage her to be kind on her partner by splitting up with him first (sorry OP) before trying anything out. It's what I would have wanted from my exh.

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