Struggling with the aftermath of an abusive fling with older colleague - help!

[Namila]

Hi all, I am not quite sure why I am posting this here but I guess I hope that talking to other posters with experience in recovering from abusive people would help me, so here we go. Warning, long post ahead!

I was involved for a few months with a toxic man and I am now really struggling to forget and move on. He is a colleague of mine in a very senior position of power, while I am entry-level. He is not my direct manager but he is the head of a whole department in my company. He is 20 years older than me and divorced without kids.

With the benefit of hindsight, all the textbook red flags of abusive men were there from the very beginning: major love bombing, subsequent withdrawal of attention/affection, major future faking, compulsive lying, pushing my boundaries further and further, bullying me to agree to sexual practices I was not comfortable with, putting me in outrageous and humiliating situations, belittling me in front of others ("but I was just joking sweetie!"), refusing to take any responsibilities for his wrongdoings and so on. I also came to realize he is a functioning alcoholic as he is drunk every single night. I am not a psychologist so I am not qualified to diagnose what his problem might be, but there is definitely something seriously wrong with him.

He chased me really hard in and outside of the office until I gave in and started dating him, only to find out a couple of months later that he was already dating a religious girl barely out of school just for the thrill of taking her virginity away. He was of course feeding her a pack of lies about their bright future together. Once I found that out I realize that he wasn't just a fuckboy as I previously thought, he was sick. So I started pulling away from him while he did his best to keep reeling me back in. It took another two months on/off until I was able to break away from him for good. We have not been in touch since the end of May, besides short work-related communications.

I knew he was "bad" when I started seeing him, but coming out of an unfulfilling LTR I was attracted to the excitement and the adrenaline and I thought that it was just going to be a casual and transgressive experience. I thought I could handle it without consequences.

However, it has been two months since I stopped seeing him and I am really struggling with the aftermath of being involved with such an abusive person. I don't feel (and never felt) any feelings of love for him and in fact I think he is a disgusting person. However this experience with him left me feeling worthless, unattractive and boring. My previously very healthy self-esteem is in tatters. When he ignores me at the office, it feels like I didn't exist anymore. I irrationally crave his attention, even though I know it would be terrible for me to start seeing him again. I became unhealthily obsessed with this poor other girl he was abusing and keep comparing myself to her in a demeaning way.

I just don't understand why it is taking me so long to move on. This does not make any sense! He is a horrible human being I should only feel sorry for, and instead I am still (secretly) allowing him such a power over me. As I previously said, I never had issues with my self-esteem so this for me is a whole new experience. I even thought I should consider talking to a professional about this, but then I feel like I am overreacting because surely shagging a dickhead for a few months should not throw me in such a dark place?

Does anyone have any experience with this? Any suggestions? I just want to forget and move on for good

(Before anyone points that out, I now know becoming involved with someone from work was a bad idea. I learned my lesson and that is not the point of my thread)

IME abused people gravitate towards the abuser because they are still seeking validation, love and affection that they didn't receive in the relationship. A kind of I need to prove myself to this person, when in fact you DON'T need to. So instead of gravitating towards them run in the opposite direction. Your emotional health will be much better long term and if necessary do seek professional help.

noego

That makes total sense and it is exactly the way I feel right now!

So psychologically go the other way.

Not all of this will apply Namila (and he probably isn't a psychopath as its rare) but there is some useful food for thought here about why abusive relationships can take so long to get over.

www.psychopathfree.com/articles/why-does-it-take-so-long-to-get-over-a-relationship-with-a-psychopath.270/

PittTheMiddle I am actually mind-blown by how accurately this article describes my experience with this man and the way I am now left feeling. It is truly scary. Thank you so much for sharing this with me.

I guess many of us encounter unsuitable people with whom we have destructive relationships with......this was your one. Yes, it hurts. Now you need to take some time to validate and love yourself and to slowly rise up again to become the person you were before. This goes in to life's book of painful experiences from which you can grow and develop. These sort of men get off on manipulating younger, inexperienced women. He has moved on to the next person he can damage so work hard to rise above this so this nasty male doesn't cause any more destruction to your life.

Look for another job. That way you won't be faced with seeing him everyday.

If you have any relationships in your life that could benefit from a little renewed energy, it might help you to give them that. Catching up properly with a friend, or going to visit someone, may help strengthen your sense of who you are, and how valuable you are, without him around.

I think the biggest thing is to get away from him completely, if you possibly can. And get secretive about what's going on in your life, so that if he takes any interest, he can't find out. Act like your life is totally boring. Playing your cards close to your chest can help rebuild your sense of how special and deserving of respect everything about you is, and make you feel less emotionally exposed.

Best of luck :). Such people are amazingly destructive.

I had very similar feelings after a 3 year long fling with a man who sounds horribly similar. I remember feeling afterwards how dangerously close love and hate were and felt you could only truly HATE someone you had previously loved. I went through a phase of also feeling such self hatred and allowing myself to be sucked into it and falling for his games. As with everything, time ticked on and life plodded along and after several months it was fading and causing me less distress. About a year later a work situation forced us to be in the same training session for a day and I realised I genuinely didn't care anymore. He was completely insignificant to me. I felt like I had closure that day. I had moved on and was in a happy place, a great relationship (to now dh). I neither cared for him nor what he thought of me but I'm a really healthy genuine 'couldn't give a monkey's' way. Give it time. It's ok to feel how you feel now but remind yourself you won't feel it forever.

You seem very self-aware, op, and you have a clear understanding of how and where things went wrong. It is still early days; I'm not surprised you are struggling now but I you sound like a mindful and healthy acknowledgement of your situation. Would counselling help? How is work day to day?

Sean0Sneachta thank you for weighting in, I really appreciate your input.

Day to day work is fine when he is not in the office, harder when he is around. Today it was particularly bad as he came around my desk several times to talk with colleagues and I had to do my very best to keep working and ignoring him. By the time he left I was feeling really shaken.

I assume counselling would help but I am still deciding whether it would be worth the investment tbh. I feel such a failure for needing counseling over something so "trivial".

Desmondo thank you for sharing your experience and you are very right, it won't last forever. It is a waiting game

I am looking forward to the day I will feel the way you felt after that training session. Indifference is the goal!

Westernmeadow your suggestion about making my life secretive is totally spot on. I instinctively did that blocking him from my IG stories as I felt he had way too much insight on my day-to-day life.

It is totally true though that keeping my daily life closer to myself can help me feel less vulnerable and more "valuable". Really precious insight I would have never thought about by myself. That is why I love Mumsnet!

Thank you so so much

Can I ask do your work colleagues know about the relationship?

I agree about intensely guarding your privacy, from this point onwards if you haven't done so. And to block him on all social media.

I feel such a failure for needing counseling over something so "trivial".

Someone playing mind games with you, bullying you into doing sexual things you aren't comfortable with and humiliating you are not trivial and would undermine anyone's self esteem. Accept that you are having a normal reaction to an abnormal relationship and need time (and possibly some help) to process what has happened to you, regain your equilibrium and recover

"Accept that you are having a normal reaction to an abnormal relationship and need time (and possibly some help) to process what has happened to you, regain your equilibrium and recover*"

Orange* thank you so much for your kind words. I think I am still coming to terms with the fact that he was an abuser and that I now need to recover, I just can't believe I let this happen to me.

Sean0Sneachta yeah that's the thing. A lot
of people at work knew about us. My company is very relaxed about employees dating each other and he never made a secret about it. He would call me pet names in front of everyone, send me inappropriate emails CC'ing other people and we left together holding hands from the "Friday office pub" many times. I think it was a trophy thing for him, he wanted to show everyone he could still snatch a young girl.

This has had an impact on my reputation. Most people at work think he is crazy and insufferable so associating my name with his was not a good move. On top of that, many people at work knew he was dating that 20 yo virgin girl (another trophy girl) so essentially everyone could see he was two-timing us.

A real public humiliation

I never judge people on who they have sex with.

Him, I would judge him alone.

Freedom Programme might help.

Definitely get a new job as soon as possible, do anything to get away.
Read some books about boosting your self esteem and perhaps do the freedom program to check the reg flags

If you like your job I don't think you should leave it. I do not think women should be driven out of jobs by arseholes.

You can totally overcome this. You just need to detach.

If you want to stay in your job OP, is it possible to approach HR and seek advice? If he's in a position of power he's

1. Abused his position.

2. Continues to abuse his position. That isn't acceptable.

I love my job and I can't imagine quitting. Also I have reason to think this man won't stick around for much longer, most likely he will leave by the end of the year.

I thought about talking to HR but then I thought it is pointless because the fling was mutual and consensual, so it was not harassment. Since I ended things he left me alone (I essentially ended things once the "discard phase" had begun) so it is not like he is insisting now..

OP I'm sure your reputation isn't as damaged as you think, he's the one who's behaving badly and your colleagues will see this. Everyone knows that we all make mistakes sometimes and these things happen.
Continue to work hard, be professional and hold your head up - you haven't done anything wrong.