Going NC with sister - dealing with my feelings

[Bitsy1968]

I have two siblings, one older, one younger. Oldest is horrible, in my opinion. Bossy, boorish, patronising and bolshy - they seem to regard me as something they'd prefer to scrape off their shoe. After a horrific family situation, I ended up cutting loose and severing all ties. I don't have to be in touch - they live on another continent. We've been forced together over the last six months due to the illness and death of our remaining parent, so tensions were high anyway, but the behaviour has left me shell shocked.

I won't go into details but they've done everything from accuse me of stealing from parent (I was parent's carer), being mentally unstable, and being vindictive (because I challenged some of their fake accusations). They even tried to change our parents will, to suit what THEY wanted done with our inheritance, not what our parent had chosen. That was stopped, needless to say. Can't be done.

Thing is......everyone else in the family seems to be flocking round this person. They all saw, read and heard the crap they came out about me, but now, I keep hearing how they've "calmed down" and that they didn't mean the things they said, they were grieving, they were under a lot of stress, blah de blah de blah. Now they're all having lovely family gatherings and bbqs and parties when this person visits from overseas. Of course, I'm not invited. I don't even know the parties are happening until the inevitable facebook posts from other family members, about their "wonderful family" and how they're all so "cool". I'm incredibly angry about how this has happened and have surprised myself as to how much hatred I have for this sibling. I'm genuinely shocked. Before, I disliked them and reasoned it didn't matter, because they didn't affect my life. Now....they've bulldozered into the relationships I had and have apparently succeeded in flattening them all. I'm my own worst enemy as I'm holding back from the others - if they're prepared to get into bed with someone who's declared themselves my enemy, then perhaps they're not friends of mine, if you see what I mean.

I know I need to resolve my own feelings about this. Nothing else is going to change, just me. Somebody slap me.

I won't slap you, I understand how you feel. When you've been hurt and other people see that and forgive the perpetrator it's a betrayal all over again - by people you thought were fair and loved you.

They probably DO still love you, they just want all this to go away. From my experience, it's always the most incendiary person who is pandered to because they are incendiary, the reasonable person is expected always to be reasonable so considered that they can be picked up after the storm has passed and they will still be reasonable. I hear you loud and clear.

What do you actually want to do? The decision that you make now will be long term and won't be back-tracked on without an awful fuss so make sure that it's absolutely right for you.

If you do decide on no contact then give yourself a break and block and delete everybody from Facebook as a starting point. Those friends who will miss you will miss you and will make contact - and then you can decide about them. Get rid of your familial problem area first, the rest can wait.

That's my advice. Sorry you're going through this.

Lying, thank you for understanding. You put it so beautifully that I'm in tears again. Thank you x

You're absolutely right. I've been asked to keep the peace for the sake of the others. Even when sibling was saying outrageous things right in front of me, I was dragged into another room by other sibling and asked, with tears running down their face, to not do anything, don't say anything, ignore it, "for my sake, please".
I'm aware that distancing myself from my other family members plays right into sibling's hands. I'm so guarded around them now. I've broken off contact, but they haven't, and frankly, i don't want to share any details of my life with them in case they share those details with overseas sibling. It's like they've somehow managed to build a brick wall between me and my family, except I guess I've built it myself, to protect myself.
Families are over-rated.

Bitsy... anybody who says "For my sake" under circumstances like these needs to be pulled up on it. You just reply, "What about my sake? I didn't ask for this, I didn't instigate it. What you are doing is picking sides and I won't have it. I can't talk to you when you're like this so I'm getting myself out of the way so that I can protect myself from sibling and now from you as well. Feel free to come and find me and apologise if and when you realise how unfair you're being". And then go. They can make the first move.

Don't allow yourself to be manipulated because if you do it once, you will always be seen as the 'easy option' to set aside and that will do harm to you. You're a worthwhile person in your own right and it isn't your job to behave reasonably to somebody who is not reasonable themselves.

I think if you can tackle the other sibling about this and tell them that the position of scapegoat is available and, as that's not going to be you, think about how they will feel when they are given the part themselves.

Your problem-causing sibling needs to be put 'on the naughty step' by the family. They can still love them but absolutely not put up with this nonsense because, from my experience, the cost is very, very high. My problem-causing sibling decided to go no contact with all of us after years of strife and we're all trying to come to terms with it but do you know what? It's a lot quieter and calmer and sometimes a short, sharp shock can be the catalyst for problem-causing people to realise that their audience has had it up to here with them and won't put up with it any longer.

Courage, Bitsy, address it when you can but in the meantime, keep your distance and absolutely do not take on the mantle of 'peacekeeper'.

Yes, families are over-rated. We love them because we're conditioned to it and that's why it's an awful blow when they just don't work out but you owe it to yourself to build a network of people who are kind and fair to you... not this. If they can't treat you decently then they will lose access to you and that will be their loss, not yours.

I've never read a post so close to my own situation!

I too had sibling who accused me of stealing from dying mother (when it was she who had stolen things), tried to alter the will by secretly arranging for solicitor to visit my mother and threatening my mother if she told anyone (she did tell which put the kibosh on that plan) and then telling all and sundry what a terrible person I was/am. Because sibling was social and quite wealthy she had some clout with family and they all believed her and ostracised me. Sibling had always been incredibly difficult and mother pandered to her her whole life. Classic example was when I went to lunch with mother and sister, my mum collared me beforehand and said, "When dsis says something nasty to you, please don't retaliate and upset her."

Very sad and I envy other's good relationships with their siblings. To me she is dead.

LadyinCement - are we the same person?

I'm strangely comforted by not being alone in my little "family free" ship.

Another person here who could have written almost the same story.

I recently stood up for the first time to a sibling who has walked all over me my whole life. The result was a series of tantrums a two year old would have been proud of and now a blissful, wonderful silence.

Sometimes the last straw is laid on the camel's back, and yet when it happens it feels strange because you are so conditioned to pandering to the other person. You are now on a marvellous journey - they won't change but you have already started. Come in, the water's lovely

I relate to this too. As in i'm expected to keep the peace by taking, ignoring, unbelievably poor treatment 'for the sake of the family'.

I think it's the scapegoat dynamic. Or the whipping boy. Whatevs.

I'm also in the same situation where I've lost the lot of them bcs I won't take on the shit I'm supposed to. My turning point came when I realised my peace was ignored in favour of the family's peace. I wasn't prepared to do that any more.

Anyway, it's very painful to have absolutely NO family - while they're all off having a hey-ho time (apparently). I agree to block them on fb - it doesn't help to see them all having a 'wonderful time'.

I'm not saying much here, just commiserating. If I really think about it, those social events with them were horrible and very painful. So I'm not missing much!

Similar position here - easier to 'tune out' the reasonable one and pay homage to the unreasonable one.

They were like that all along, OP, so your toxic sibling didn't succeed in making them do anything.
You just didn't see this side of them before because you all weren't put in such a position before.

My older sibling behaved in a way that upset my dad and was the reason his bp skyrocketed and he ended up in ICU.....it happened in front of other siblings and even a relative.
Yet it's ME who is in the wrong for not tolerating this bullcrap anymore.

My way is to be very blunt and to the point with them.
"If YOU want to be treated like shit that's YOUR decision - I DON'T!!!"
I will keep standing up in the face of this madness if they bring it to me - i figure they will eventually stop expecting me to 'be the bigger person' or they will actually say/do something about the toxic sibling.

it's like they're all brainwashed!

I'm reading your OP and lying's insightful post with tears in my eyes. I actually came on today for advice (name change and everything) and was too scared to post!

I've been NC with my sister for three weeks - the longest I've ever been. No matter how many blow ups she has or family events she ruins my mum and dad refuse to acknowledge it happened and brush it under the carpet with a "oh you know what she's like" or asking me not to challenge her and "make her worse".

Three weeks ago was the straw that broke the camel's back and even though part of me wants to get in contact so as not to make things awkward with parents and extended family this time I'm trying to stay strong!

Does anyone have any recommended reading on this family dynamic?

Yes I'd like to read up on this too.

I hate the "you know what he's like" excuse. The "that's just the way she is" comments. People don't know how to stop it, and know that if they object they'll get blown up at, and so they pretend it's nothing important and scurry around trying to placate the person concerned.

So the person learns that they'll get what they want if they are obnoxious, and everyone loses.

Well done you on standing up to your sibling. It's a shame your family don't understand the dynamics of what they're doing but while they're having those nice barbeques they will also be putting up with insults and dishonesty and upset, and it's just not worth it.

Enjoy your more-peaceful life. Feel sorry for your relatives who are still living with all the crap. You've done good.