I've sacrificed my career for my family. Big mistake!

[newmoon2]

Hello everybody,
Recently I felt like I woke up from a 5 years long dream and I'm furious with myself, my husband and my son.
Before I got pregnant with my son (6 years ago) I had a great career as an journalist and I was extremely happy with that. My love life was shit, so my career was the most important thing to me.
I met my husband when I was 29 (now I'm 35) and I got pregnant unexpectedly after only 9 months. When I found out I was pregnant, I was so afraid that I'm going to be a bad mother (just like my mom), that I've dismissed myself as a person completely and I started to live, breath, think for my son only. My husband (only partner back then) lived in a different city, so I left everything behind and I moved in with him. He had a great job there and I knew that he might not find something similar in my city. I was just about to get a promotion, but who cared. I was going to have a baby. After he was born, I was a stay at home mum until he was 18 months, but when we tried nursery, he got really, really sick, so we took him out and tried again when he was 2y3m old.
In that city there were zero opportunities for me to continue my career, so I had to do something completely different, but I was great at that too and after just 6 months I was about to become a partner.
But my husband got a great job in the UK (we were living somewhere else in Europe) and we moved here.
My son was 3. He didn't know any English, he became very depressed and we decided that it's better for him to attend nursery for only 3 hours/day (the cost of nurseries was also a factor). So I ended up being a stay at home mum for another year.
When he started reception I started working as a book editor for a neighbour of mine. I felt like a real person for the first time in a long time. Six months later my husband got another much better job in another city in UK. I was furious, but I knew that the job he had was making him unhappy, he was overqualified for it, and this other one was better paid and much more interesting, so we went for it. The book editing job died.
That was 6 months ago. When we moved here I became very depressed and didn't feel like looking for a job anymore. I want to start my own business as a consultant, I don't want to be tied up by a place anymore because I'm afraid that I would have to give up on that again.
The problem is I became depressed, I started smoking cigarrettes (I was a heavy smoker before I got pregnant), I gained a lot of weight and I feel hopeless. Not the right state of mind and lifestyle when you want to start a business.
My husband is encouraging me to start the business, but I consume my energy with thoughts of anger, regret and frustration. I feel like I'm waking up from a long dream. I went to sleep as a beautiful, strong, independent woman and I woke up, 6 years later, a fat, depressed, scared, angry one. Sometimes I feel I hate my husband and my son because I sacrificed so many years for them and I feel I didn't get anything in return.
Where do I start? What do I do with this feelings?

I think you are depressed and should seek help. Your GP will help. And/or could you join a support group for fledging business people?

Starting a business may be a good thing to do, but being consumed with anger is not good. Does your partner know how you feel? Could he give you practical help e.g. take your child for an entire Sunday while you have some headspace to go out, sit in a coffee shop (or wherever), think about your business, make some plans and feel freed up for a while? You may then return home and be glad to see your child and everything will feel more balanced.

I didn't want to read and run; I really feel for you. I stayed in my career, and my DS has just turned 7, but for about 5 years it felt like I was dragging my way through treacle. It's only been in the last few months that I feel like I'm getting my mojo back. I'm still about 3 stone overweight, which I hate. But I do feel a bit more positive.

Between the time my DS was 9 months old and age 5 1/2 I was suffering from PTSD, which was diagnosed when he was about 2. What helped me was a combination of drug therapy, and some amazing high-intensity cognitive behavioural therapy on the NHS. It took about 18 months for me to get better from the horrible slump I was in -- but I did get better.

I would definitely recommend going to your GP if you haven't already, and take up vaping rather than smoking if you're not the sort of person who finds it easy to quit. (My hard-core smoker friends have been amazed by the change that vaping has made to their lives and health). And finding a really good therapist to talk to. Maybe even Relate, given that your anger is now turned on your family.

But what I would say is that it does not sound to me like you're in the right frame of mind to start your own business yet. I would suggest you get a job even part time in or close to the field you want to be in, and build up some more confidence in your abilities before you make the jump to self-employment. It's not all roses.

Its not too late. Take one step at a time. You made the right decisions at the time and now is a new day. Stop looking back. Accept where you are and stop seeing yourself as a victim. You made decisions. The right ones. Now start making more decisions. One at a time. Dont panic. You have plenty of time to get back on track. You have good experience which will stand to you.

OP I know a lot of trailing spouses who have given up a lot to support their DH's career and their families.

You are not alone in feeling angry and resentful, in fact it's common ( though some I know are very happy to be fair).

The good thing is that you are still young. And you have only one child who is no longer a baby - I know a lot of women approaching 50 with 3+ kids. Now they are truly fucked!

What's done is done. If you had your time again you might do it differently, but you can't, so that's wasted energy.

Look forward now.
Concentrate on the future.
Make plans and lists.
Work out what to do as of today.

I think you are depressed and should seek help
Really?? a woman realises that being a mother is a bum deal where you sacrifice your health, well being and earning potential for your partner and children and that means she must be mentally ill.
Wtf, tell it like it is and others try and discredit you🙄

Rinkydink, that's not a very helpful post. The OP says herself that she's depressed!

Whether that means she was diagnosed and treated by her GP for depression, or whether she's simply describing her state of mind, is unclear at this point. But to quote her, "the problem is I became depressed."

It's not too late, OP. I was a SAHM for nine years and now I have a job I love! You have been very successful in the past, in different careers too, so you must have lots of skills which would be in demand. You're still the same person now that you were then (even if you don't feel like you are).

Good luck OP

I'd start by telling your DH that you won't be moving again any time soon. Take that uncertainty away where you think there is no point as it will all be ripped away.
I assume your DS is also now settled in school?

See a Dr and maybe get medication to help through this rough patch.

Join a gym. Regular excercise really does help with move and losing weight is a bonus which will lift you further.

You are clearly an intelligent, capable woman who can adapt to any situation. Once you make a start you will find yourself again.

First step is to now only look forward. What's done is done. Past is the past. Just because your husband has been excelling in his career doesn't discredit what you've been doing, you've been excelling as a mum. A mum who keeps moving from city to city! I've done it once and I won't again, it is so hard settling in.

It's now time to do you! It's your life, grab it. You sound very driven and I have every confidence you will succeed with your businsss. I think you should go one step at a time. Health first. Cut down the smoking and start weight loss programme. Once that starts to progress you will be feeling so much better and then start the business. I can't even mentally function properly when I haven't exercised etc. Chin up, think positive and forward. Good luck.

Counselling if you can afford it. I had a similar experience and ended up with two children and no life. I was given ADs, mood stabilisers and eventually locked in a psych ward. I was at the bottom.

2 years ago on New Years Eve I set up a Ltd Company. I'm still a little bit over weight (BMI normal but not the skinny gym girl I was), but I'm running my firm, turning a decent profit and got my confidence back.

It didn't happen overnight, it was a gradual realisation that I could do it. It's not (never) too late, I was 41 when I decided to take hold of my life. I could do with stopping vaping and giving up my weekend wine, I work hard and am exhausted but I know I'm using my brain. You sound intelligent and driven, there is a lot to be said for that.

I'm guessing you're younger than me, grab any opportunity you can

Lot of sense above, being a trailing spouse with a young child isn't easy and it sounds like you've done a good job of supporting 2 people you love in their growth.It might seem like a distraction but something like reading or making something may help you to distract yourself whilst giving up the smoking. I've spent too much time myself being angry that I hadn't gone a particular route and it's a waste of time,you sound like you are a person who can be more constructive than that and move forwards.Good luck.

Oh man. I feel for you. I feel for you a heck of a lot. But let me drop this in right now; please don't hate your DH and your son, especially not your son. As harsh as it is these were choices you made, albeit not easy ones re being a trailing spouse.

I don't know what to offer but I'm holding your hand - maybe selfishly as I'm in the same boat. We just moved to a foreign country for an adventure, it's all going wrong, it's the conclusion of a huge learning curve for me realising that the core reason for my unhappiness isn't my environment - it's not having had a job since (really) I went on Mat leave December 2015.

Now I'm stuck in a foreign country climbing the feckin walls as I can't speak the language, baby #2 is due in Oct and I can't see me just slipping back effortlessly into a job come April 2018.

If I wasn't pregnant I'd be back on the fags with a vengeance. I did Allen Carr and felt amazing for a few months. At 22w pregnant I picked up a fag but didn't light it. And cried.

I wish I had advice - your consultancy idea sounds like with focus and determination it could take off. But I feel for you I feel for you I feel for you.

Ps: last time I felt like a fat, scared, angry, smokey mess was just before I ditched my XH. Did couch to 5k. Felt like a hero. I strongly suggest it. Running time is "you" time. Take it x

9 years out of work here. I start retraining in a few weeks. Childminder's booked. I am outta here!

You wake up one day and you snap out of it. Like you have done! Yay. Only, don't do the cigarette and sadness thing. You snap out of it by going "And now it's time to get a job."

Journalism's still there. Even better, as a writer you can get your name out there simply by working on an online portfolio. Then freelance. The world's literally your oyster.

Don't start your own business, that would mentally crush the strongest of people if it all goes tits up and right now you don't need that. You can't be a consultant until you believe in yourself a bit more. Get back to writing. Familiarise yourself with social media, get your articles submitted, get your name back out there.

It's not over.

Is your DH aware of how you feel? If he isn't then tell him.

What really jumps out at me is that while he has progressed his career, you have been obliged to give up some jobs that sounded as if they were ideal for you in order to allow that progression. That seems entirely unfair and will cause resentment. You need to explain to him the effect that this has had, and that therefore once you are settled into work you enjoy again, you will no longer be prepared to uproot yourself and your child to play second fiddle and trail after him. If your DH is a fair minded man then hopefully he will understand this, even if he hasn't yet fully considered it from that angle.

Is getting back into journalism or book editing possible where you are? Can a fair proportion of those not be done online from home once you have settled into a job?

Keep your ear to the ground, and if anything comes up then go for it.

The recent experiences you have had will bring a completely different quality to your writing. Something that wasn't there before. Think of how motherhood has enriched your life too. There are positives and negatives. Could you write about your own experiences, speak to different professionals to resolve and motivate. You've put everyone else's needs first for years and now you need to think of what your needs are

Get help, take all these suggestions etc, work on your well being.

But please, please, please try very hard not to take any of this out on your son, he is a completely innocent child, if you include him in your resentment he will know and it will damage him. It is not his fault you chose to have him.