worried and annoyed in equal measure

[everymummy]

Seven years ago DH's nephew came to live with us. He lost his parents as a baby and was brought up by DH's mother. When he was 12 he came to live with us because she wasn't coping and he wasn't going to school. He came to live with us and after all the various issues that must ensure in these situations, went back to school and ultimately became very studious and got into a top university where he has done his first year.

He worked very hard for his A levels so I didn't make a fuss about him not working over the summer and in fact paid for him to go on holiday with his friends. In the long (his university has 8 week terms) Easter holidays he didn't get a job because he was working for his end of year exams. He is now home for the summer and despite promising he was definitely going to get a job, he has not done anything about it and is staying in bed all day, then getting up and asking what's for dinner.

All his family suffer depression and have an almost unbroken history of high achievement and dropping out and sort of refusing to deal with reality. DH understands this well as it was all around him. He had some of it but ultimately succeeded in overcoming it.

He is home for over 3 months. I just don't think I can stand him doing nothing and staying in bed all day for all that time. He has no plans. He did a prestigious internship at the start of the summer (which he had not made any plans for funding, we got him accommodation etc.).

I had a mildly heated conversation with him about getting a job as he promised and he immediately got angry and defensive and then his lip started trembling so I backed off. I don't think this is a ruse.

We have given him a very easy time financially because we always wanted him to do things - to go out, go on holiday, take opportunities etc. because our priority was him building a life.

Now I don't know what to do. If I force him to get a job will I cause some sort of breakdown? It's not even about money - we are paying for him at university, but I so want him to socialise and be involved in something, and I think if he stays in bed all day (probably awake all night on his computer - an old pattern from his school refusing days) he will get depressed.

So basically I feel whatever I do will be the wrong thing.

you Husband too... needs to be involved in addressing this....

your Nephew needs to get into the real world... get a Summer Job whatever.. but you must not allow his trembling lip and depressive hysterics to allow him to manipulate his position in the family home... is this what he's going to carry into adulthood ?

He's not a child anymore.. he's a young man... and needs to get some initiative and motivate himself into find a summer job ..

you clearly have the patience of a Saint OP x

It sounds like lack if confidence to me.
The 'wobbling lip' was probably guilt because he knows he's in the wrong.

He sounds quite similar to my DS (who is 16)

We had a sit down conversation where I explained my concern, spoke to him about 'give and take' in our relationship and that if his summer was unproductive he would find going back next year all the harder.

It seemed to help, but ultimately his lack of confidence holds him
Back, causes him to procrastinate which ultimately leads him to hibernating.

I have tried to be involved in organising him some volunteering and work experience this summer, which he is ok about attending. I wish he could do it himself, but he lacks the drive.

He needs to get into therapy. Fuck the "get a job" now routine. It is clear from his family history and his own background that he has to have a place to work through some heavy baggage - and if it doesn't happen now, it will only get heavier over time.

All the best, OP.

Fucking hell, the PPs posts are utterly ignoring the fact that he lost both parents as a child, was then moved out of his next primary carer's home (for understandable reasons, but that doesn't mean it didn't bring disruption), and is now dealing with a family legacy of depression, and the kind of 'stiff upper lip' history of trying to over-achieve his way through it.

His lip wobbled because he is fucking GRIEVING!

Please, please, OP - help him to help himself by getting him some good, solid, consistent MH support.

But you can't make someone go into therapy. He has never had any counselling, despite losing his parents and several other losses. His GM didn't believe in it. He was never even told what happened. He only knows now because I made his GM tell him. It is all there - bubbling under.

I have been so buoyed up by his successes, now it's terrifying to see the weakness underneath it all.

I agree it's confidence, but as he's 19 I can't really ask people to employ him or organise volunteering.

Thank you MsStricty for understanding.

But how can I get him MH support unless he seeks it himself?

he lost his Parents as a Baby ... he was brought up by loving caring Family ... not borstal....

he is unlikely to remember the loss of his parents however this does not lessen the pain of losing them ....

but credit the OP and her husband in loving supporting nurturing and raising this teenager.... x

You can't get him MH support but you can talk openly and supportively about his dreams for his future, what he needs to get there and how seeking some support now would greatly benefit him and help him take some control over a life that must have felt pretty out of control to him.