How to move on from abusive relationship?

[CharleyEmily]

Anyone who has been in an abusive relationship will understand how difficult it is to leave. The mind games, manipulation and the complexity of the individual you are in a 'relationship' with, they tie you in completely.

I haven't been living with my husband for a year, yet I still feel completely tied to what was, what could have and also to figuring out what happened. Why did this person who apparently loved me, turn out to be so nasty, violent and aggressive?

I have a child with him. He uses the child to scare and intimidate me, so I never feel at ease unless I'm keeping him on side.

I know what I have to do and that's to stop going back, but I just don't know how. I have never known such conflicting thoughts. Please help me.

Been there and done that. Your still emotionally trapped in the relationship, despite not living with your husband for a year. Are you still together ?

I too was thinking, "How did it come to this ?", "Why was he abusive ?", "Was it my fault?" I had all these questions in my head which I didn't know the answers to. But then, I realised, questioning him/ his behaviour/ his abuse etc is wasting time. Who cares about the Why's, it was time for me to take control of my life and move the fuck on.

It was very hard to leave the relationship but I didn't want to waste my life being with him. I wanted to enjoy life, I wanted to enjoy my DS. Not always on edge, not always pleasing him incase he goes into a meltdown, the hurt, the betrayal. I realised that I wanted to take control over my life and wanted to life the life I envisioned for myself and DS. Plus, I didn't want DS to turn out like him and cause any emotional distress and ruin his mental health ( as Domestic abuse has a strong impact on children).

You do know that you want to leave, but your scared. The only thing holding you back is yourself. You have to feel the fear and do it.

After about a year and a bit leaving my ex and I saw him out ( with most likely his new girlfriend) and I felt nothing. Absolutely nothing. It's funny actually, when you used to be in a relationship with this someone and your whole life as been about this person, you can't imagine your life without them in it. But once separated, your amazed to realise that life goes and you move on and you see them passing by on the street and you feel nothing, like they're a stranger to you.

Anyway, Make a plan, any savings you have, contact lawyers ( regarding divorce). Contact women's aid, plus reading other stories from women who have planned their escape.

Read the books ; Feel the fear and do it any way and Why does he do that by Lucy brancroft ( I think that's the authors name.)

Regarding contact with your DS. You either enforce that your husband gets supervised visits or come up with rules regarding contact. E.g. You can have your son on the weekends etc. Apply the no contact rule ( in this case because you have a child, minimal contact- you can also search this up) so he doesn't get to manipulate you. Do not call him or text him, unless it's about your DS, when he does contact you Make sure it's just about your DS. If he tries to change the subject, talks about anything else, you tell him "Sorry, if this is not about DS then I'm not interested in what other things you have to say" and leave it like that. If he tries to squirm you, bugs your phone. Leave him to it, do not reply, do not retaliate, do not say anything.

You can do this !

Forgot to add.

OP, you need to let go. You need to let go of any emotional ties you have with this man and keep emotionally distant. You need to let go and accept your situation and let go of the fact that this is not the man for you and that you need to move on and find someone who is more deserving for your love.

Thank you, that was really helpful. We've been separated a year, not living together and I've started divorce proceedings. But I still can't let go. He says he wants to change and I give him a chance to prove himself (do a caring dad's course/anger management etc) but he doesn't. Because he clearly sees no fault in what he's done. I feel so frustrated with myself. I've done everything I can to cut him out. He can even only contact me via an email address I set up purely for him. I never imagined I would be so weak.
I keep reading about DV and that grabbing someone by the neck is a huge red flag. He did this multiple times to me. So I know he's dangerous, but I still feel like he may not be dangerous. Does any of that make sense to you?!

Do not take him back. Contact woman's aid, do the freedom programme and see your gp to refer you for counseling.

He is dangerous. Think of your little boy. If heaven forbids, something happens to you regarding your husband. Who will look after your boy ? Cause I very much doubt it will be your husband.

You need to be selfish and think about yourself. As soon as these type of men go onto their next victim, they will leave you... dealing with your son by yourself and emotional mental health which has resulted because all the abuse you have endured.

He won't change, as soon as e gets angry, as soon as you do something that he doesn't like, as soon as you stand up to him. The abuse will return. It's you choice and your life. Don't waste it.

Hi OP: I am 5 1/2 months out of an emotionally abusive (21 year) relationship. It wasn't always shit. I love him still but I know we cannot be together. The last few months have been really tough, he was in a terrible place but too much damage was done. Too many things said, to much shitty behavior. It destroyed my sense of self. We too still have contact, and because of my nature (and probably yours too) I have tried to keep things civil because we have 2 amazing boys together and we share child care.

Many times over the last few months have I got to the point where it should have become only ever about the kids and business like, but I am also mourning the end of a relationship and its difficult to let go and be like that.

I have however become mentally stronger and know that his behavior towards me is not a reflection of myself. Its him. It makes it much easier to deal with and I am able to protect myself better. In the last few weeks we have come to an agreement on the sale of the house, seen lawyers etc and things are gettin easier. I think finally he understands I am moving on, and he can stay in my life if he stops all the shit.

Things that have helped me: physical exercise (i go to the gym and bash out my frustrations, its my happy place where I can just focus on me), spending time and reconnecting with family and friends, making new friends, throwing myself into work, spending as much quality time doing fun things with the kids, eating well etc. I also read both Lundy books after I left, they really helped. I started reading books again and taking better care of myself (getting my nails done etc) and really just trying to get back to understanding who I really am, not who he told me I had become.

I read somewhere it takes 1 month per year to get over a relationship, even more so if it was abusive. You need to recondition yourself again to believe you are not all the things he told you you were.

Most of all, protect your fragile heart and keep things at a distance a much as possible. I understand its not as easy as people think just to cut out a person from your life who made it difficult, essentially because I imagine you still love your ex in a way. Its a bit like Stockholm syndrome in a way, but the best gift you can give yourself is to love yourself for the beautiful person you are.

Thank you for taking the time to reply and offer advice. It's been so helpfully. I think one problem is that my whole life is jut being 'mum'. I do work, but can't work much due to limited childcare. So I feel like I've lost a lot of myself.

But tomorrow is a new day and I've got to get me back. I feel it's going to a very long and very hard road. I'm so tempted to just block all contact.