Hi all, this is my first post here, I actually started this as a reply to another thread, but I thought I'd post something from my own experience, maybe help convince your chap to get help. Obviously this is all my own personal and subjective opinion. (advanced apologies for any horrendous grammar)
Long and the short of it - if your partner/husband (sorry I don't know all the abbreviations yet) is being overly grumpy, defensive, shuts down, avoids dealing with tricky issues, blows up and then ends up crying at the end of an argument (and thus pulling a guilt trip intended or not) personally I'd say there's a safe bet he's got anxiety/stress issues and is depressed. (ok I know I know some of you are saying 'no sh^% sherlock)
And this is in no way an excuse for any of that behaviour, and I've done it myself. Things have been on a low ebb for some time in our marriage because of this and I used my busy work schedule, the fact I'm the main breadwinner etc an excuse (internally at least) for that anxiety, and my behaviour.
It's had a knock on effect : my behaviour obviously affects my wife's attitude towards me, which in turn being sensitive/anxious depressed means I feel less motivated in my distorted reality to give the commitment I need to our relationship, and so it's cooled things even further, it's bit of a vicious circle really. She really wants me to lose weight, she's said she no longer fancies me and has threatened divorce if I don't sort it out and certainly there's been no sex for two years because of that issue, I really want to sort it out either exercise/dieting - however low mood and stressed days means I end up comfort eating a lot..... which exasperates the situation, especially if she finds out. I use the stress of work/anxiety deadlines as an excuse to not make the time for exercise either. It's really dumb we have (or have had) something so amazing and special, and with the world appearing to be going to chaos (again doesn't help my mood) I've realised it's really important to try and resolve the issues, get things back on track, so we can be a 'unit' again, and be the bloke she deserves, not another dependent.
Anyway I finally got my arse in gear, got to the GP, started medication and whilst I know SSRI's aren't a magic bullet, I would definitely say it's started to give me more capacity to think and consider her feelings and perspective, and my children's feelings as well (tbh my kids have been a big motivator here, when I'm stressed/anxious I tend to be more grumpy and thus a lot less patient with them, again doesn't do well for the mood of the house or my wife's feelings)
Ahh this is all turning into bit of a rambling 'brain dump' I guess it's probably good just to type this 'out loud' of course a I really need to get my sh$% together and get the talking therapy on the go (remember I said the SSRI's aren't a magic bullet)
So anyway guys reading this there's no shame in going to the GP and saying 'I need help'
The waiting lists for counselling with the NHS are horrendously long, but it's worth www.mind.org.uk/ some local branches offer free counselling (about a 3 week wait I believe - please correct me if I'm wrong) or if you can afford it they do private sessions and can see you sooner. I've not been yet but fully intend to do it.
I'm doing it coz I love my kids to bits, I love my wife and having grappled with what I thought might be a mid-life crisis I learnt there were two ways out destruction (divorce, doing stupid things like buy cars etc) or reform/rebirth etc (bloody hippy), so yeah going to try rebuilding reforming myself.
I just hope I don't lame it up like my attempts to lose weight, but I reckon all that starts in the head.
It's been quite an eye opener reading some of the threads on here, made me realise some of the mistakes I've been making (and importantly in terms of getting over the depression where I've done things right)
anyway ramble over...
p.s. I feel rather foolish/exposed typing all of this, but hell got to start somewhere.