Am I helping or making it worse?

[Hidingtonothing]

I've been trying to help a friend who's going through a really awful time. She's just left an abusive (in just about every way possible) relationship and is also battling alcoholism. The issue with alcohol is a fairly recent thing, her H is an alcoholic and has basically dragged her down with him, encouraging and enabling her drinking to the point where she is now, to some degree at least, dependent.

She's doing great, attending all appointments, engaging with help from Victim Support and WA and showing no signs whatsoever of going back to H despite her whole life having been turned upside down. She's coping well all things considered, but.... she's still drinking.

I'm around a lot atm and she's not drinking huge amounts, less than a bottle of wine a day which obviously isn't ideal but I'm fairly sure is less than she was drinking before H left. She's not hiding it and it appears to me that she's basically drinking a 'maintenance' amount so she feels able to tackle her current situation and the stuff she needs to get sorted. I kind of get that and can see the sense in doing what she needs to do to get by for the next few weeks and then tackling the drinking separately once she's settled (she has to move house) and things have calmed down with her H.

So here is my problem, twice now she's asked me to pick up a bottle of wine for her on my way round. She's not going out much (apart from appointments) for various reasons (H has been bailed and she's scared for one, he made a real mess of her face and people staring upsets her for another) so I'm aware that, for at least some of the time, I'm her only means of getting it and that means I'm enabling her. But then I'm worried that without it she won't feel strong enough to go through with prosecution and may even end up going back to him and I don't want to be responsible for that either.

I'd just like to know what others make of the situation, what would you do if she asks again? I want to support her but don't feel sure I'm doing the right thing with this.

Sorry but I won't enable your abuse of alcohol anymore.

Will bring a box of chocs /chick flick /shloe instead and have a quiet night in with you. .
Sorry not very sympathetic. .

Am looking for honest opinions not sympathy Just so it's fine by me I'm obviously uncomfortable with it or I wouldn't have posted so I won't be surprised if the outcome is that I go with my gut and say no next time. Appreciate your honesty.

I would but not just the bottle of wine (eg I would take some crisps/chocs/a DVD if she can watch it etc..) and not all the time.

If her face is still showing the signs of the very physical aggression she has been the victime of, this means it's quite recent.
You also say that she is drinking less than with her ex.

I would say that the last thing you want to do is to put more pressure on her to stop the alcohol, make her feel bad about drinking etc... when she is alareqdy in a very vulnerable place. What she needs is support. Not to be told what to do, that she isn't good enough etc... and I susoectvthat any talk along the lines of 'alcohol is bad for you. I think you are drinking too much' wil be taken as such.

In effect, I would be very worried is that by making any comment/judgement on the alcohol (and you will do do just by saying NO), you will put-on her more pressure than she can handle. (Pressure to leave her ex, pressure to cope with a new life, pressure to stop the alcohol etc...)
I would be worried that if she can't handle the pressure, she might go back with him.
so I would go one step at the time.

Oh, tricky one. Do you drink some of the wine yourself? If you sit down and have a couple of glasses, she can't drink the whole bottle herself.

See that's exactly the other side of my internal argument Pepper. I can see the logic in one step at a time, and the danger of her resolve against her H being weakened by her trying to tackle everything at once. And the last thing I want to do is alienate her atm, I do feel like she needs me and I don't want to let her down.

She is definitely drinking less without H around, I've been emptying her bins and doing housework for the last week so I'm as sure as I can be she's not drinking more than I'm seeing. She's being really proactive with getting herself sorted too which I'm not sure she would be doing if she was pissed all the time. It really does seem to be about maintaining a level so she can function.

I don't drink wine so not really an option unfortunately Tilapia, she's not really drinking it 'socially' either if you see what I mean. It's like she spaces the glasses out through the day so she stays on a level rather than relaxing with a glass or two in the evenings if that makes sense? She'll pour herself a glass but offer me a coffee because she knows it's not normal to drink wine at 11am, we haven't discussed it in depth but she seems very aware of what she's doing and why and has said she'll be sorting it out as soon as everything else settles down.

Atm it's her crutch. It's not a good one but it does serve a purpose.

She seems to be very aware and proactive so I would leave that all alone.
The best thing you can do imho (and that you are already doing) is to give her emotional and practical support. Once things will have settled down a bit more, I suspect she wil reduce h h she drinks on her own. Or you can then raise the issue if she doesn't.

You sound a great and caring friend TBH.

I'm trying my best but will admit to feeling a bit out of my depth. Trouble is he's isolated her from most of her family and friends so she doesn't have much support apart from me. Really hope I'm up to the job. Thanks Pepper, will just take it a day at a time I think and see how things develop.

Just wanted to say that you are a great friend and that's she's so lucky to have you. It will make all the difference to her chances. Follow your own feelings about the drink you know her best.

Thanks pog, I really want her to make it, she's wonderful and he's absolute lowlife scum. I feel incredibly guilty, she's been enduring this for 2 years and I didn't have a clue, some of the things she's told me have made me feel physically sick. In the grand scheme of things keeping her strong and able to resist his attempts to wheedle his way back in are more important than the drinking atm I think.

You sound great.
I'd let her be for a while. Let the dust settle.

I agree Hiding. She is making huge strides and seems self aware about her drinking.

The thing about addictions though is that the day never comes when it feels comfortable to stop. Just bear that in mind.

Perhaps gen up on alcoholism, do some research into AA (

Agree with Pp this isn't the time to put pressure on her to give up wine but could you also take round some mixer for a spritz and some ice cubes help her dilute it down, look for lowest alcohol % content or maybe get two mini bottles instead of a whole one

But don't feel bad if you don't do any of that just being there helping and running errands while she needs you most is brilliant I bet she really appreciates it after all the crap she's been through

I think just go with it until she's settled into new place as long as you know this is all she's drinking. You could even pour a bit down sink when she isn't looking?!

And I agree with other posters, some snacks? TV series? Books? Could you get her a pamper pack (bubble baths etc.)? Anything really to slowly subtly steer her towards finding other coping mechanisms.

Also you mention how he's isolated her. Can you start reconnecting her with people? Do you have a best friend who could join you when you go over who can be trusted and understanding of the situation. Just to get more fun and social around her.

Good idea springy, I know a bit about addiction in general but not alcohol specifically so it can't hurt to have all the info for when she's ready to tackle it. Will check out where local AA groups are and do some reading, think I'll feel better about the current situation if I'm doing something positive towards the next step as well.

I actually think she might be the exception to the 'never a comfortable time to stop' thing. Reading between the lines I think she completely associates drinking with H, sees his encouragement (it bordered on insistence at times from what she's said) of her drinking as another way he tried to control her. She's been utterly ruthless in cutting all ties so far and I wouldn't be surprised if she views quitting drinking as ditching that final link with him, she just needs to be strong enough to do it.

I'll give that a go Daisy, thanks won't push it if she's not receptive though, am quite anxious she doesn't feel any sort of judgement or disapproval from me just now. Am ashamed to say I've found talking about this situation in general a bit of a relief tonight, it seems really selfish to say its taking its toll on me when what she's going through is a million times worse but it's horrible hearing and seeing what he's done to her, especially when she's such a fantastic person.

She's already needing less support springy, I hardly left her the first couple of days but, less than a week later, we've only exchanged a couple of messages today and I popped in for 10 minutes this morning. She's not the sort to intrude on people's lives unless she's desperate and I'm glad to see her trying to stand on her own two feet. Thanks so much for letting me ramble and for all your advice, I'm glad I posted

Sorry hadn't seen the last few posts, no kids involved thankfully Karma and she's ok financially for now. She's taking a bit of a career break but has enough savings to tide her for a little while and is already thinking about what she wants to do next. I honestly can't see her letting things slide any further once she's over the worst of the current stuff but will be on the look out for warning signs, thanks

Good ideas there user, will take her some goodies tomorrow for a pamper session, I think she'd appreciate that. I suspect she'd rather I waited til her face has healed properly before I take anyone with me to see her but will start thinking about some social stuff for when she's up to it.

I will, thanks Karma. She's renting so at least there's no property to lose but I'm really hoping she pulls this round and makes a success of her new life. I believe she will, if she doesn't he will have won to some extent and I don't think she'll let that happen. She's honestly incredible, you wouldn't think for one second she would put up with what he's been doing to her, but then I guess, like your friend, it shows DV really can happen to anyone.

Just wanted to update this in case anyone wondered how it panned out. My amazing, strong, determined friend is 2 weeks sober today She's in her new place and moving forward with her case against exH, he's been charged now I'm happy to say. She went out tonight with some friends she hasn't seen in years, rang me when she got home (having had a lovely night) and sounded over the moon that she hadn't given booze a second thought. It's early days yet I know but I'm so proud of her.

Lovely news. I have two friends in similar situations, this is so good to read, well done for being a lovely non judgemental friend.

Brilliant to read. Take a bow yourself.