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Original poster

Wedding help

14 replies

sp12345 · 18/07/2017 20:18

Hi all,

Is it normal for the husband to be not to help at all when planning a wedding? We are having the wedding in my home country so I understand that I have to be the main planner, but if I didn't tell him decisions or plans I had made he wouldn't ask. I told him that I booked the band and it wasn't until I made him sit down and listen to a clip of them that he even paid attention. All I have asked him to do is sort out the suits for himself and best men etc and he can't even make any decisions on that. He won't even choose a best man, he seems to want me to do it for him. I know that he would have been happy for us to disappear off and elope, and we did discuss this, but it was him that told me we should do this properly for me ( he has been married before and I haven't). Now when I am frustrated at his lack of interest he is calling me mean and saying that I am ruining what should be a happy time. All I am asking for is a little help, or at least interest? Am I mean? Have I turned into bridezilla?

OP posts:
BackforGood · 18/07/2017 23:46

You are not mean. It does not make you a bridezilla, however, I don't think it is that unusual for men to be far less interested in the miniature of the wedding day itself than women.

I know / accept that is a massive generalisation and I'll get ripped apart for it by many posters, but it's my experience over a number of year, knowing hundreds of people getting married.
Probably even more so if he's been married before.
Logically he is right - the day itself isn't the important bit, the love you have for each other and the next 70 years are what is important - although I do love a nice wedding myself.

springydaffs · 18/07/2017 23:59

It's not a happy time for you if you're left doing all the donkey work though is it. And you're one of the two main players. Your happiness is just as important as his.

springydaffs · 19/07/2017 00:03

He doesn't think he's doing you a favour does he? To 'let' you have the wedding you want (therefore 'let' you create it, down to the nuts and bolts) Hmm

What's his culture?

Original poster
sp12345 · 19/07/2017 07:30

I am Irish British and he is Czech..I think these cultural differences are going to come up a lot in our marriage...and I don't mind doing most of the work, I would just like him to take an interest...

OP posts:
Underthemoonlight · 19/07/2017 07:32

My DH let me get on with it he wasn't interested in what flowers I had or the colour of the bm dresses he did however pick he's suits but other than that it was all me.

PovertyJetset · 19/07/2017 07:36

Welmif he has agreed to the wedding he should have the grace to meet you half way and enjoy instead of sulking.

If he couldn't/won't do that, then what else is he stubborn about? Ian this a indicator of married life to come?

Red flag for me, I'm afraid.

TheNaze73 · 19/07/2017 07:42

Huge generalisation but, I don't think men generally aren't bothered by the detail.

When I got married, my involvement ended at checking venues & paying for things. She wanted to do everything with her friends & her Mum. That worked for us.

If however, your situation isn't working for you, then you need to talk

Figment1234 · 19/07/2017 07:44

I'm going through the exact same thing right now, and no cultural differences here. He just seems to think that weddings organise themselves and can't grasp the concept that they really don't. Like you I had begun to feel that wedding planning is a chore rather than something we should enjoy doing together. I've made peace with it by realising that if he's not going to show interest in the details then I can just choose everything that I like and he'll have to go along with as there will be no time to organise anything else! I have no concerns that it's a sign of something more sinister about the state of our relationship.. some people just don't enjoy the process of planning things.

meditrina · 19/07/2017 07:53

It's a big problem if his lack of interest extends to not turning up....

Yes, mismatch of level of interest in a wedding is normal. Total disengagement is not. My guess is that as he's said it's all for you and about you, he expects you to do it all.

How long until the wedding?

If invitation haven't gone out, I'd suggest scrubbing it and going with the elopement.

And talking rather more about expectations. Not just the doing of chores, but the thinking/planning/being responsible

EllaHen · 19/07/2017 08:00

Oh dear - not good.

My dh did more than half. He certainly did the time consuming stuff. He designed and made our invitations. Took weeks.

It's 2017. I would be disinclined to believe those who spout that this is what men are like. it isn't.

FinallyHere · 19/07/2017 08:48

The point surely is whether the split of work between the two of you, works for the two of you.

We agreed the date (which dictated the venue) and the general approach. Thereafter we each did the bits we enjoyed and were interested in. He arranged the people / pieces for the ceremony, and the band for the after party, I did the flowers and favours. If we hadn't wanted them, we would not have done any of these and would not have missed them. We did them, because we wanted to and it was fun.

The parts he is leaving to you, is it the stuff that is necessary, date, venue, licence or the 'decorative' stuff that is not actually necessary for anyone but you? I think it makes a difference. How you divide up the necessary tasks will set the tone for the rest of your relationship. It would be good to share the important stuff and not foist the inessentials on each other. Agreeing on which is which helps, too.

NemosKnickers · 19/07/2017 08:53

You are doing the Wifework already.

Search on here for mental load threads. You've taken on the role of 'manager of household tasks' even before marriage.

ZaphodBeeblerox · 19/07/2017 09:02

It seems like you want the wedding, and he isn't fussed, so he's letting you crack on with it.

I don't particularly think you're being unreasonable, but he isn't being a total dick either. He probably intellectually wants you to have a beautiful wedding etc because you haven't had it before, but practically can't be arsed.

To flip it around, my DH is massively into a certain kind of music - he loves one band in particular and booked a big gig for us to go see them etc. In theory I wanted to go and have a good time. In reality it wasn't my cup of tea. I did go along, but he had way more fun poring over the set lists etc with other friends who went. That's a weird clunky example but I hope you see my point - he isn't being a jerk to want you to have something he thinks you want, but if what you want is a wedding where the groom does half the planning, then you need to be upfront about that and talk to him... right now it sounds like he thinks you want a beautiful well-planned wedding where the groom stays out of the way.

LesisMiserable · 19/07/2017 11:29

Yes I think its entirely normal.

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