No I didn't, No I don't

[Foxysoxy01]

How do you cope with a partner that always starts of any disagreement with 'No I didn't'

For example I might say something like 'why did you get short with me about x' and I'll get 'I didn't get short with you I was just saying blah blah blah' or me: 'when I do x you do x' him: 'No I don't I just......'

Maybe I'm being unreasonable but it makes me feel like my feelings aren't valid when the first words out of his mouth are no I didn't or no I don't.

We have a pretty good relationship the rest of the time and seem to rub along pretty well but this issue is driving me nuts!

I don't know if maybe it's actually to do with my self esteem or something and that as long as I have said how I feel it shouldn't matter if he jumps straight in defending himself rather than listen and think about my point.

Really I just wondered if anyone else has this and what you did to either stop being so annoyed by it or what you said to your partner to get them to understand how you feel?

Can you say - 'your reply when I said x made me feel y' nothing to deny then

Thanks for the reply.

I could try that but he would say something like 'I didn't mean that' or 'that's no what I said, I meant x'

Which is probably reasonable to say 'I didn't mean x' or whatever being t it still feels like he is dismissing what I'm saying.

The more I think about it the more I think it must be me being unreasonable, it's just it feels a little bit like gaslighting, that as soon as I say I'm upset or dislike the way he said it did son it's straight away 'no I didn't' or 'no that's not right/what I said/what I meant' etc.

It's quite rare for me and DH to have that kind of conversation because we either call out the other person immediately or leave it.

"Don't get the hump with me"
"I know you are feeling crap but don't take it out on me."
"I can manage fine without you telling me how to do everything."
"Should I not set fire to it?" (In response to micromanagement).

If it were not serious enough to raise at the time then we probably wouldn't mention it later, except out of concern: "You were in a state earlier, what was going on with you?"

If the offender denied all knowledge then it wouldn't go any further, eyebrow raise and drop it because they obviously don't want to talk about it (and it wasn't serious enough to push back on at the time).

Why do you need him to explain himself?

It depends how he reacts when he realises he's upset you unintentionally - is he apologetic & tries to learn from it or does he do the same thing over and over again?

If it's the latter then it's a problem.

It is at the time sorry I don't think my post made much sense it's hard to explain.

But for your example of 'don't get the hump with me' he would say 'I'm not, I'm just......' which is fine unless said everytime you bring something up. It feels like it's constant denying and child like 'no I didn't' reaction rather than listening and trying to be a bit more empathetic.

He doesn't want to upset me at all and is upset himself when he knows he has but that in itself makes the no I didn't, no I didn't say that, no I don't etc etc worse!

Have you tried ignoring?

He won't stop if he feels entitled to speak to you the way he does, if he feels nothing is wrong with it, he was just...

If words don't work maybe action will.

What kind of things is it though?

"I understand that you didn't mean to upset me, but you did."

"I think sorry is the word you are looking for"

Your statements sound scary and aggressive ... he may be scared

I was just wondering, how often are you bringing things up?

And why not deal with stuff at the time?

Start doing it to him!

Turn it round - he can deny what he's said or done, but he can't deny how you feel because of it.

Tell him how you feel because of what's happened instead.

Don't say "Why did you get short with me about x" - say "I'm miserable because I feel that you were short with me about x". Then you're not questioning him or his behaviour, you are stating a fact about yourself.

I think your questions are harsh so he's defensive.

In your example you could soften your question by saying 'I felt.." since you are telling him how he acted, not how you felt about it.

I had this and I left him after 15 years of it once I realised that he was constantly denying my feelings or my right to feel anything other than what he deemed it Ok for me to feel.

It was, and is, totally about him. He does it to our children too.

Sorry that this maybe doesn't help or sounds harsh but that was my experience.

I'm now very happy with someone who is entirely different and can't believe I put up with it for so long.

He's just instantly dismissing anything you have to say

I had this with my DP, it's only recently changed. He would deny everything, going as far as to deny the words that just came out of his mouth sometimes. Nothing major, just really silly, petty things, refusing to take any responsibility, everything was my fault etc.After the last disagreement, I told him the resentment towards him was growing and growing and I was starting to really not enjoy his company, I didn't see us lasting much longer. He got the shock of his life and he asked me to pull him up on it every time he does it..so I do and he listens and stops.

Is there a reason you don't bring it up at the time? Instead of saying "why did you get annoyed at me about x" you ought to be able to say "why are you annoyed at me" when you are discussing x. You shouldn't have to wait until later to bring it up.

My DH used to do this. I now realise he gets it from his mum. When I said to him "know when your mum did x, y and z and she said it never happened? Well that's how you're making me feel"

Blew his mind and he's starting to change