How to deal with parental criticism?

[malificent7]

I am nearly 40. My dad appears to think that I am still a child.
He does a lot for me but a repercussion for this is that I get a lot of digs.

These have include in ancient times: " I can't believe you are my dd sometimes."

In more recent years:

My curtain rail was sagging and he said " Did one of your boyfriends do that?" Insinuating that I have a lot of boyfriends. I have a dp who I have been with for 1.5 years.

He is the grandeur for my flat and I feel that he sees this as an ideal opportunity to list all the housework that needs doing. (I work full time).
Apparently I get loads of benefits ( I don't.)

I just find it all a bit exhausting. He went away for 3 weeks and it was great not to be criticised or sneered at during that time. I bumped into him in town and within 5 minutes we had a run in with him making cutting comments.

I also feel like the black sheep of the family but that is a whole new thread!

garanteur even!

Stop inviting him around!

Tell him to stop criticising you! Tell him if you wanted his opinion you'd ask for it. Stop getting him to do things for you as he obviously feels this then gives him the right to put in his two-penn'orth.

Start being assertive with him re: his criticism. Not aggressive or rude, just assertive. Find stock phrases to use "You may feel that, but I don't" and some fairly meaningless ones (that actually mean "Sod off with your sodding opinions!") "That's nice dad". "Oh really??" and keep your tone polite but confident and a smile on your face. Or if that doesn't work, then just tell it like it is. You're tired of his endless criticism and unwelcome comments. Keep repeating.

Spend less time with him.

Sounds as if your relationship is way too involved - why is he garantor for your flat if you are 40? Why do you live so close and see each other so much if he is critical?

IMO for many of us it is far healthier to live at least a couple of hours away from parents and not rely on them for anything! Clearly his love for you is not unconditional and everything comes with strings, but equally clearly you are far too dependant upon your dad!

Stand on your own feet and use them to move your life further away!

'Spend less time with him.'

Basically this. I have extremely critical and overbearing parents and I have cut way back on contact with them. They will never change and you shouldn't have to spend time justifying yourself and trying to convince him that you're an adult now. You don't have to take crap from people just because they are family. I know its not easy but honestly, please feel justified in taking back control of your own life

Do you feel like a grown up normally - as in confidently dependent only on yourself, or to you still think of your dad as a safety net? I just wonder if you are falling into a young child / parent dynamic in each others company rather than an adult / adult one. That can be really difficult to break out of and you can both end up resentful of it.
Its just it seems likely that that is what is happening.
Maybe you need to say no to letting him look after you, or asking him to, if you want to change this. Perhaps even occasionally do " looking after dad things" ?

I agree with you neighbour and it is very unhealthy. I am overly dependant as I became a single mum when my dp ran off when I was pregnant at 30. I went to live with my parents for 6 months which was actually lovely. Glad I did it as my mum died not long afterwards. I did get my own place.
I'm not sure who else would be a garentor as I have been single for ages before dp and not many friends etc (I am anti social).
Also when I was 21 I have a bad spell of mental health problems including a severe eating disorder so relied on my parents to help me.

I know it's not good and yet I know that family dynamics have contributed. Since my mental illness , I have fallen into the role of slightly helpless, inept child whereas my sister is a psychiatrist an hence highly competent, together and sorted. (Golden child.) Sadly we hardly talk!
I got with my dp a year and a half ago so have been less reliant.

Funny thing is, I have done a lot of foreign travel alone and funded by myself not dad. .

Which is how it should be but I coped just fine without him I mean!

Can't move away as dd and dp are settled here. Dad does have a great relationship with dd and helps with childminding once a week, hence the involvement!

Sorry to hear that OP. Telling him as other PPs have suggested could backfire spectacularly if he has narcissistic traits (if did for me).
Try to move on from needing his validation. You mustn't underestimate how very damaging these remarks can be to your self esteem.
However he is unlikely to change no matter what you do so it's how you manage it that can change.
If you read up on Toxic Parents you'll get some good stock phrases as other PPs have suggested. Don't get sucked into discussing his remarks.
💐

If you want to continue to have a relationship with your father, ignore his digs. He gets a kick out of goading you - don't give him the satisfaction. When he makes a dig, just fall silent, or say "that's not funny, Dad. I wish you would stop saying that". If he claims it's just a joke, tell him that you don't find it funny.

Be a spoilsport consistently and he'll tire of it. Otherwise, just ignore.

Here us a typical example.
Dp and u are driving to France next week. Dad kindly offered us the French driving kit... breathalisers etc.
We accepted. We didnt ask... he offered.
He then asked if id had the car serviced. I said no due to money. He then got shitty with me and said he would have lent me the cash.
Its the way he said it... a kind offer but spoken to me like im a piece of shit.
What can i do. . Its none of his bysiness

Just ignore, OP. You need to grow thicker skin. And I wouldn't accept anything from him, as he may use it against you.

There is a saying in Spanish - in translation it's something like "offence is not caused by those who want to but by those who can". Perhaps he makes digs at you, but if you refuse to take the bait, he is powerless.

I have an absolute mood Hoover of a mother. I keep her at arm's length. Life is simpler and happier for it.