Not sure where to post this really. I think I just want someone kind to talk to me as I can't face discussing this with anyone in RL at the moment.
There was an incident in which my husband (who doesn't want more children) was a bit careless - he thought it was low risk as sperm only on my 'external' bits (sorry for oversharing). I was thought it was too risky and was not impressed. Took the MAP as soon as I could get hold of it. I was probably mid-cycle.
I have been pregnant 5 times and every time have had an implantation bleed rather like a very light, short period, round the time my period would have been due, or just a bit earlier. Six days after said incident I started a light bleed. I have waited and hoped for 5 days that it would turn into a proper period but it has just trailed off. I probably need to wait at least 3 more days to get an accurate test result.
I cannot have another baby. I have 3 children aged between 2 and 6. We have had very serious relationship problems for years. I thought things were a lot better when we decided to have 3rd DC, but in the last 2 years things have deteriorated. H is inconsistent but often treats me without respect or empathy. It wasn't always like that. When it started to become difficult, I spent many years trying to work on it, trying to do everything right to please him so he would be less critical. I genuinely loved him and wanted us to figure out a way to be happy together. Something has changed in the last two years. I'm spent and I'm really not sure if I can love him any more. I've built a wall around myself, and it is a relief that I know longer care about him wanting me.
I have been very reluctant to make any rash decisions and have instead spent time observing my feelings to see if they stay this way, building up a life for myself that is my own and trying to build up my independence. I am in a career which I love but which is extremely precarious (casualised, insecure contracts, etc.). Having 3 children and doing the bulk of the care work has made it hard for me to progress. If I want to stand a chance of going it on my own with my three, I need a salary to pay the mortgage and the bills.
Another baby will be the death knell of my career. It will become financially unsustainable for me to work.
And yet, if I were in a happy, loving, supportive and sustainable relationship, I would have loved another one. But I've already been through the whole process of letting go of the baby years. I finally felt that I was starting to re-gain some control and independence in my life, but another baby would strip a lot of that away, making me financially dependent and trapped. I find the idea terrifying. And yet, the idea of aborting also makes me feel so sad. Because i know I would love the baby like I love all the others.
I know no-one else can resolve this for me. Thanks for listening.