My poor son and bullying

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My 10 yr old told me again last night that he isn't going to school for the rest of term because he is sick of the other boys bullying him.

I am at my wits end. I have spoken to the school periodically for three years about this. He told me last night he wants to kill himself.

I have noticed a change in him. He has pit on weight, wont stop eating, wont go to the park. He is rude and aggressive to us all at home. He is tall and looks much older. TBH i am surprised he is being singled out

I strongly suspect that he is equally as vile to the boys at school. I have wondered (I know this sounds like victim blaming) if he is contributing to his exclusion by being mean to others.

His teacher has raised the possibility of autism and has referred him although we both think it is likely to be mild. Anyway, he has struggled socially since we joined the school in year 3.

I emailed his teacher last night to ask if she would call me urgently today and I will ring the HT due to the threat of suicide. I dont think he means it though.

I have no idea how to resolve this. I am so unhappy for my poor boy. I can't remember when he last seemed happy.

Oh OP. Bullying is such a horrible issue to deal with. My DD has been bullied on and off for 2 years by the same boy. Countless conversations with teachers, HT, welfare officers etc and it calms for a but but soon starts up again. I too am at wits end. My next step is to approach her Bullies dad. My DH wants to talk to him. Erm nope dh is a pussy cat compared to me
I won't be polite about it either!
The suicide threat, whether you think it is serious or not this needs addressing. Him just saying it shows how unhappy he is and is looking for a way to end bullying. Also may have said it to show you he needs help.
I can't really advise you what to do. But honestly, give your boy a hug and reassure him you will do whatever you can to stop it.
The changes in him at home are pretty normal under the circumstances, my DD went from beautiful mannered little girl to a girl who just isn't satisfied with anything I do! When the bulling temporarily stops, I see my princess again. As soon as it starts up she becomes the attitude queen!
Hope this gets sorted for you and DS once and for all

If you think it is going both ways and your son is also being mean, perhaps the school can set up a few mediation sessions with the boys. Many schools have schemes like this, so find out if his does this or something similar.

However, bullying is different to just name calling sometimes. My brothers were big and tall in school too, and it definitely doesn't make them less of a target, sometimes it can even make them more of a target unfortunately.

Is he a 10- soon to be 11 going in to year 7 or will he be going into year 6? If year 7, are these children going to the same secondary school as him?
Either way, maybe you can spend the summer holidays helping to boost his self esteem. I know bullying can chip away at self esteem.

How long does he have left for this term?

Please take suicide threat seriously. So many stories of parents wishing they had. Keep a very close eye of his internet use, when he's alone in his room etc.

Does he have any hobbies or interests he could pursue out of school?

Do you know who the boys are who are doing it? Do they have parents who would be mortified if they knew?

Go hard at school. If you want something done be that person who is so persistent and annoying that they do something just to get rid of you :-)

Sign him up for classes in judo or karate or something similar. He needs to vent his anger and frustration in a safe space and learn how to manage his feelings which martial arts training will help him with.
He'll also learn how to manage his behaviour and develop some personal resilience.
Get him focusing outward rather than inward...reduce screen time, get out and about and seriously consider a fresh start in a new school for him.
No child should carry such a heavy burden as he appears to. As he sees you taking control and creating new opportunities for him, he will learn from your example that there's usually solutions and not just problems in life.

There are only a few days left of school - keep him home. Even if the suicide threat is not real - it is a real cry for help. If you have not resolved things with the school in 3 years then you are not going to - what on earth have they been doing?? Read up on their anti bullting policy and hold them to it. Contact the governors with a complaint if necessary. Does the school have a counsellor who comes in - get your DS on their waiting list. Can your DC change classes so as not to be with these children? Is there somewhere safe for him to go or a designated member of staff he can go to when things become to much? Who at the school is looking out for him??

I would look into changing schools (or is he moving to secondary?) or home educating your DC. I would also see the GP and perhaps ask for a CAHMS referral for help and ask the GP about getting and ASD assessment. Your son needs help urgently.

Your DC might be being "vile" back as a retaliation. Often certain Dc are demonised in school but are actually reacting to bullying the only way they know how. Please don't send him back into such a horrid situation.

Get out and about with him during the summer, give him attention and praise and lovebomb him. Be proactive and take control. A lot of schools just placate the parents and want the bullying "problem" to go away, they can be pretty useless at actually sorting it out as it takes a lot of time and resources - you need to be your DC's advocate.

My son was bullied around the same age for 18 months or so. Would not leave house, developed eczema and was really very sad and depressed. When he moved to secondary school it seemed to get better for a while then we noticed him withdrawing and finally he told us the same boys were at him again. We talked to the school had the police around after they threw him in a river but nothing seemed to work. In desperation i signed him up to the local rugby club and basically it totally changed him. He had new friends who started looking out for him, he felt more confident in himself and eventually he confronted the bullies himself and it stopped. Not saying it will work for you but your story sounds so familiar i thought i would pass on what worked for us.

Thanks for your messages. I have been busy with the school and work.

I have a meeting with the HT and his current yr 5 teacher and i am going to ask for his new yr 6 teacher to join. I have already asked for a ASD assessment and urgent CAHMS referral.

I dont think changing schools is an option. We joined this school in yr 3 after a terrible situation in which he was continually physically attacked by his teacher's son. Not just him, but others were targeted too. The school could/would do nothing so I withdrew both my sons and we joined this school.

Current school is big with an excellent head. The bullying has been sporadic and has generally been dealt with better this year. The main culprits came close to exclusion earlier this year. Unfortunately a new boy joined the school and he has taken up the mantle. I.am aware that he does it to others,not just my son and forced a girl to kiss him recently. I dont know his mum at all,i am rarely at pick up.

I cannot home educate. I am a lone parent and work full time. He would never learn a thing from and he is ace at maths. I could not possibly support him in the areas in which he excels and he doesnt see the point in most things.

We have tried lots of sports and he loses interest after a few weeks.

I didn't add this to my original post but he has been through a lot in his home life (nothing to do with me, but as i said i am a lone parent for a reason) so i will press for some sort of emotional support urgently

It is more likely to be the emotional turmoil whatever that is.

Perhaps some routine and discipline in his life wouldn't be a bad idea. The martial arts or perhaps even boxing is really good for lads who are struggling. If nothing else it would help with the bullying. A bully at my school got dropped by someone who took up boxing. He didn't bully anyone again.

Having said that he perhaps needs counselling to help him

I think boxing would suit him actually.