Why didn't I leave then?

[summercottageflowers]

I keep having such weird thoughts and I hope no one minds but just sharing them here may help.

I keep suddenly getting the most vivid flashbacks, sort of jolts almost, to my relationship with dh. And I think 'why didn't I leave then, why did I put up?'

I mean, in later years we had children and so on so I can 'excuse' myself but back when we weren't married, there were major major signs.

What was wrong with me I guess I'm asking!

I have noticed his brothers also show a lack of respect and a sense of entitlement sadly.

How did you find counselling?

I keep wondering if I should get dh to go (I know it's not recommended for abuse) but I feel I should try everything.

Sounds like you have tried everything
I'm sorry you're in this FOG
you can stay there all you're life or you can think about freedom
It's hard and many women on here stay for a long time and some don't leave ever.
Do you have anyone in real life so talk to ?
This makes me feel very sad

*to

I feel exactly the same. My exP and I split about 6 months ago after 14 years. I'm in counselling and trying to work out why I didn't leave him when he raped me 1 year in to our relationship.
I have an amazing daughter who I can't ever wish not here but I lived through 13 years of abuse. It wasn't all hellish, and most of it seemed ok but when I reflect, I have one happy memory in 14 years. That's it. I can't remember any other time
when he made me feel happy or safe or secure. Just always shit.

Summer i found councelling frrustrating but also helpful (cathartic!) as I was able to say things i could never say to him. This was only possible because he had started his own therapy for childhoid trauma. It was frustrating because he blames everything on his childhood and therefore doesn't take responsibility.
His control and anger is still there and the past can't be undone. When our child was diagnosed with something lifechanging, he was unsupportive and still is. It has made it very hard for me.
There was only one non consensual sexual 'assault' (not penetrative though) but all the coersive sex has scewed my attitude to sex.
There's no way to repair it all and he's not capable or willing to do enough to convince me he can be a good husband.
I don't think councelling would help you as his abuse is so extreme.
He needs to face up to his behaviour and get councelling first. These men find it hard to change and certainly mine always seems to justify his actions.

Mari50 hows the councelling going? I'm also having personal councelling and we've talked about boundaries and how our decisions are impacted by people pleasing and low self esteem. As you say, when it's not all bad it can be very confusing, especially when you have children or no family support locally.

I'm not sure if the counsellingnis helping or if it's my own awareness of the abuse but I am definitely moving on and feel much happier.
Boundaries are my main issue. My exP has absolutely no awareness or respect of boundaries which I know is one reason we carried in for so long (we broke up several times through the course of our relationship)
I'm being very firm with boundaries but he keeps trying to trample all over them still.
I went almost total no contact which was very effective but DD found it very upsetting, the moment I became a little bit nicer he started pushing on my boundaries big style. I have to admit, thinking that I'll have to be as vigilant and defensive of my boundaries for the next few years is exhausting. I wish he'd just fuck off!!

Talking about boundaries so much does sound weird but it was my utter lack of them that got me in this mess.

I think it will always be tough to find peace with someine that tramples your boundaries. It's exhausting especially when little things trigger them if they sense any criticism, whether it's there or not. My DH is very senstive which is totally at odds with how he treats me and so easily justifies himself...