Between the ages of 18-22, I was with an awful guy. He lied constantly, spoke to women behind my back (one in particular was very inappropriate), was manipulative/gaslit me and was just fairly generally emotionally abusive, and ultimately cheated on me which was the spark I finally needed to get away. Hate myself for the years I lost to him, hate myself for not seeing how awful he was. He had an amazing exterior of this happy, charming, friendly, good-looking guy that I just really desperately wanted to believe he was underneath it all. Anyway...
I have been happy since then (it ended about 8 months ago - my ex was with another woman within a month, no clue how that's going!), regaining my life, and going out with my friends a lot more often than before (he didn't like them so I rarely saw them before), feel very lucky that things are getting better.
I know it's too soon to consider dating again anyway and to be honest right now I have little interest in being in a relationship (although I also feel panicky that I'm not seeing as all my friends seem to be with great guys). I have plenty of time especially as I'm so young. But while I do have my friends back the majority are in relationships or busy a lot and I do feel lonely and would like to date again. I'm just struggling and worried I won't be able to do it when the time comes. Attractive, successful, seemingly nice men have asked me on dates since - I indulged in conversation with them but when it came down to it, I couldn't go, and just ended up blanking them or calling it off on the day (which is horrible I know but I'm just petrified). Had a brief fling with a friend too, but ended up blanking him a bit afterwards too because it became a bit too emotional, I didn't like it.
I don't know what's wrong with me or how to fix it :( obviously I am scared, but how long will this last? I'm scared whenever I get in a relationship or dating again I'll feel scared, trapped and plagued with anxiety like I did with my ex. The feelings emerge so early on that it's impossible to even dip my toe in the water.
Help? :(