Two questions for affair survivors or anyone with helpful advice on low self esteem

[wishitwasnotso]

Six months on from discovery I've decided to stay and rebuild. So two questions for any affair survivors:

1. Can you rebuild and find a way to be happy again (truth please!)
2. Either way, any advice on how to rebuild confidence (from current I'm a failure as a wife and mother, unattractive, past my prime with a baby damaged body and more generally not good at a single thing) to being a strong confident woman again.

Thanks!

Smeaton- what a wonderful response.

I'm 34 and discovered 3 months ago that my husband had been having an affair with a colleague. He left after telling me, and has been living at his mum's every since. We are in marriage counselling. I'm trying hard to understand all the paths that led us here.

There are plenty of books out there that detail how, if you're both prepared to put in the hard work, you can absolutely emerge with a stronger marriage after an affair. The consensus seems to be that recovering from an affair can take at least 2 years. It depends on whether you really feel like your partner is prepared to commit to a long, painful process. If they are, then you have as good a chance as making this relationship work as any future one.

But the trust, oh the trust.. And I'm not sure how you ever get over the overwhelming feelings of rejection. I'm really struggling with the unbelievable damage this has done to my self-esteem. Think I might print out Smeaton's words above and stick them to my bedroom wall.

Smearing words are good. You can't change someone else's actions, only your own and the perception you have of yourself. That's the staring point. It is also ok to walk away. People do and survive. Why do you want to make it work? Is it for you or for the children?

Smeaton's

I couldn't give any better advice than Smeaton, good luck OP x

I stayed with my ex the first time. It wasn't the last time. I never could get back the trust (cos he wasn't trustworthy) but we did have good times in between. I don't regret staying exactly cos we had another dc who I wouldn't be without - but the relationship absolutely crushed my self esteem. I never got that back until I kicked him out a couple of years ago. Never regretted that .

I think it takes a very special type of person to forgive and forget an affair, and a hell of a lot of work on both sides to make it a happy marriage again.

It wasn't for me. As soon as I found out about my H's affair, I filed for divorce. I just knew I would never trust him again. But maybe that's because he still doesn't truly admit it, over 7 months on. But I've got all the evidence I needed.

As for the building confidence, I'm hoping time will help that. It's something I'm struggling with too so you're certainly not on your own. It's so hard to get back once it's shattered but I nknow I will get there eventually. Im spending my time seeing a counsellor and working on myself at the minute, which can only be a good thing for the future. X

I think if you're sure they're committed to making it work and open to Putting the effort in including counselling then it's a good sign. Also they must take full responsibility for their actions no matter what led the affair to start.
If you're so damaged by what happened that you feel you won't be able to trust him again then it's time to part.
I'll be watching this thread with interest as I've just discovered my dh has cheated too.

Posters on MN often recommend this book to read about affairs:
www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B00B0X1UPA/ref=dp-kindle-redirect?_encoding=UTF8&btkr=&tag=mumsnetforum-21

i think the person who had the affair has to fully acknowledge what they did and take responsibility for it. They have to commit to go above and beyond to repair the damage they have caused and do what ever you think it might take to rebuild relationship - counselling, email and phone access etc for how ever long you want. They need to recognise it will be a long road and may not lead to success. They cannot just say "they want to get back to normal" and stick their head in the sand about what happened or apportion some of the blame blame to you (too busy with kids etc). Rebuilding emotional intimacy can take a lot of time.

There are many posters on MN in the past who have said they have a stronger, more honest relationship years post affair. A quick search on the internet will probably flag up lots of positive stories.

I think you need to accept that the affair had nothing to do with how your body looks - a flabby tummy and weight gain are not reasons to have an affair (even if some people claim that is what drove them to it). He could have talked to you about healthy eating etc

Your partner made a conscious decision to cheat and risk the stability of his family - only he knows why he chose to opt to do that. You are not a failure as a wife he is a failure as a husband. You are not a failure as a mother - he has failed both you and your Dc as a father.

You are grieving - your husband is not the man you thought he was and he has betrayed your precious trust and put your whole world at risk. I think you both have to accept that neither of you will ever "be the same" again after the affair you have to forge a new relationship.

I haven't been able to give my ex H second chance.
It wasn't an affair, but string of sexting to women and use of escorts. He claims he's changed - I believe he is trying to but knowing his nature I would not be able to trust him.

I would look into circumstances of the affair. If it was one off, troubles at home, then maybe there is a genuine will to change. I would love to give my ex H a second chance if I thought he is genuine.

A good site is
Www.survivinginfidelity.com

wow I have just read all of your messages. I suddenly feel such a world of support out there when I have been coping alone with this for so long. Just a huge THANKYOU to everyone who has shared their experiences and insights. I feel like I've just had a giant hug! And i'm definitely not to proud to take on board all of your advice, signposting and suggestions. you are amazing lovely people x

Physical exercise is incredibly good for re building self esteem

I went through this 5 years ago, we're still together and more importantly happy. Trust comes back eventually, but I'm not sure how it happened. He cut all contact with the OW, changed jobs, and we just got on with life. I didn't shut my feelings away, I'd tell him when I was feeling insecure or sad etc and we talked about it. Try and make some time for yourself to do whatever makes you happy and feel good. Go swimming, shopping, to the cinema, buy some new clothes and get your hair/nails done. Anything that makes you feel better about yourself really, and do it all for you, nobody else. Motherhood (well, parenting really) is a tough old time and none of us think we're doing an amazing job, but when you see your child/ren happy and content that's down to you.

I thought I could get through this but I'm really struggling. I feel like everyone knows and I feel such a sense of shame. it's like he's telegraphed to the world that i''m just not good enough. he's desperate to make it up but I feel so angry and such grief. He said i'm not really his type, not in a hurtful way, just being honest. he has a pretty low sex drive. bu ti miss being desired. He says he thought the other woman was speial but realised she's not and is desperate to rebuild our relationnship. I'm so worried about him being sad and distressed as all he wants is to come home to family. I don't think he'll have another affair but I don't know if I can be happy again when I feel so insecure when i'm with him now. I'm doing all I can to look after myself (self-esteem, excersise etc) but........what to do? really what to do?

Wise words from Smeaton

OP, you have nothing to feel ashamed about, the shame is his.

Stop focusing on how he feels and what he wants. This is your time now. Your time, as long as it takes to decide exactly what you want.

He gambled. He has possibly lost everything. His problem.

I would advise you to spend time apart, then see how you feel. Don't feel pressured by his guilt.

It is possible to forgive and rebuild and move on, but I would say it's never possible to forget completely.

In the long run I think our relationship is better for it, we are more open and able to talk more and are stronger knowing that we have been through the worst possible time and it's not going to get that bad again. We trust each other 100%.

It helped that no one else apart from us knew.

I think you may need time to yourself to think about what you want, we both spent time apart and each came to a decision, separately, of what we each wanted. Luckily for us we both wanted the same thing.

It's so hard, I would say just take your time and now is a time you need to be a bit selfish and think about what is best for you.

OK so you're not "his type" - so he expects you to suck that up - despite being enough of his type/good enough to marry in the first place?!

And if you're not "his type" and go on with the relationship knowing that, you do realise that when "his type" shows herself again, you can only expect him to cheat again?

Do yourself a favour, cut him loose. He is the one killing your self esteem.