Being ignored

[pickledmommy]

How should I deal with my OH who whenever we have a serious discussion about our problems or whenever we argue simply shuts down, says nothing and just goes up to bed like a teenager who's been naughty then the next day acts like everything is normal and fine again?

I've poured my heart out to him about how unhappy I've been and he's done exactly this.

It's the same every time anything comes up, it ends up not being dealt with at all. I'm so fed up with dealing with this childish behaviour, I feel like he does it because he knows If he ignores it long enough I will just give up and leave it and to be fair that's usually exactly what happens, but this time needs to be different I just don't know what to do? Im shit at being confrontational!

My DH also does this and it's one of the reasons that I am taking steps to leave him...

Ultimately you cannot change his behaviour. It's more a question of whether you can live with it.

I've told him tonight that I can't live like this anymore and that I think the only solution is splitting. He's said he doesn't want that but said nothing else after I poured my heart out for half an hour. I just don't see any other option but I hate to split up my family.

There was some discussion around this sort of behaviour a while ago. You have needs which need to be met but your approach is too intense for him and he feels very uncomfortable being put on the spot. Is there a more mellow less frightening way you can get things across?

Things seem to go better over text message I at least get a reply! But I just don't see how we can mend things via text, it feels childish. We've also tried counselling before which helped having someone to lead the discussion, I guess we are heading back there. It's so frustrating not being able to communicate properly.

Well to be honest you've mentioned the word childish a few times in your posts. Are telling him he's being childish? It's quite a put down even if it's true.

I think reflectors & people of few words, get a raw deal on here.

If I'd been talked at for half an hour, maybe at a time that didn't suit me, I'd feel exactly the same. Do you have communication issues together with everything? Do you pick your times well? There's nothing that will turn a bloke quiet or get his defences up quicker than be told "we need to talk".

jeaux makes a good point, do you call him childish a lot?

It's quite hard to judge from the little you've revealed but when you say poured your heart out for half an hour do you mean a calm and measured assessment of how you're feeling or a teary, accusative rant about you? Because that would totally switch me off.
Perhaps you need to try a different technique? So when both are calm and receptive, suggest one thing which bothers you. Come up with a solution/ compromise. Don't accuse. Then actually leave him to mull it over.
Or try conselling.
Good luck

I've said his behaviour feels childish to me in my post not to him. And yes our chat was calm and measured and has been a long time coming but it's all one way traffic I get nothing back and now I'm left with either allowing him to continue to ignore what I've said or bring it up all over again. I just can't win.

What are you asking for from him?

If you are saying you can't go on like this, what suggestions are you making?

I'm just going to put this one out there....do you think he has checked out of the marriage and just hanging in there for the kids? Or has your marriage always been like this? Is it his behaviour you want him to change?

I've suggested that if we are to attempt to make things better that we both need to talk honestly about what the problems are and that if we can't do that then we are likely heading for a divorce as I can't go on this way suppressing everything.

I don't think he wants out based on the one thing he said yesterday to that effect but there's little effort on his part to participate in mending things so his words and actions do not match.

What is it you think needs fixing in your marriage? And when you tell him do you offer solutions and ideas?