So Terribly Jealous

[CobblersandHogwash]

And I can't help it. I was I could stop it. I'm going to sound like a total teenager but I'm 42 years old and I'm really struggling with this. I know I need to focus on what it is about me that turns people off but I can't seem to work it out.

I have a friend. I've known her for 8 years or so. We met through the dcs' school.

She is so very popular. She gets invited to every single social event I know of. That isn't really a problem.

What I find very tough is that with every friendship I make, if she considers them to be of interest to her, she will become friends with them and I literally get cast off by the new friend.

I don't think she targets them per se because I have a few friends she's clearly not at all interested in and they remain my friends despite their professing great admiration for charismatic friend.

Her social circle is huge and she maintains it very well.

She's charismatic, funny, attractive and very sought after. People seem to run after her to try and be friends with her. It amazes me how one person appears to be so compelling. Powerful even.

Our friendship is a mixed bag. I wouldn't really call it a friendship anymore. I think I'm useful to her, sometimes. I know she likes me as a person but I don't think she considers me to be of any particular interest.

When we first met, we became firm friends but then I really felt she was taking the michael in terms of childcare. We fell out about that.

And then I was a bit ostracised - I was dropped by a couple of mutual friends too and I think my argument with the charismatic friend was the reason. I felt really invisible and unnoticed. I was so miserable for a bit.

Bear in mind, this was my first dc's first school and it was important to me at this time after the isolation of pre school years to make new friends.

I am not at all popular.

I try. I smile, am friendly, polite, invite play dates over, try to attend parent nights out, invite my dcs' friends' families over for lunch at the weekend but ultimately, I'm of very little interest to people. I feel I have zero social collateral.

This charismatic friend is still on the scene - our younger dcs attend the same school - but we don't really socialise together per se. I sometimes help her out with childcare. I very rarely, if ever, ask her for help.

She found out recently I was regularly having lunch with another mutual friend and wanted to join us. I didn't want her to. I wanted to see one of my few friends without her and I didn't see why I should have to invite her too. Our mutual friend was slightly irritated charismatic friend had found out but was okay with her joining us. Thing is, charismatic friend never ever asks me to join her in anything social!

So, my social circle is currently very limited and small. Any friends I do make seem to fade away and I kind of dread them meeting charismatic friend because I know that'll be the end of any friendship I might have with them. No drama. Just a quite dropping of contact and fading away.

I know it sounds teenage and ridiculous but I feel so very low about it all.

I can't avoid charismatic friend until our dcs have left the school - three years from now and even then they will probably go to the same high school. They also currently share an after school activity.

I don't suppose she's really the problem ultimately? It's me?

I'm so jealous and don't understand why I am such a social failure.

Any advice please apart from belt up?

I don't think you are the problem and I think it's understandable you are struggling. I just had to watch on social media a wedding of a 'friend' who dropped me, she is still friends with a friend of mine, she met this friend through me. It was hurtful though I do try to think you aren't a friend, like I would with an ex who discarded me. But it's hard and it must be bloody hard if it's happened more than once.

Can you take up an interest separate from the school social circle and develop friendships your 'charismatic' friend doesn't know about. Also I would really focus on distancing yourself from charismatic friend - if she isn't a real friend of yours, she doesn't get to invite herself to your friendship dates!

But thing thing is that she seems to think we are good friends, that I'm there to help out etc but we never socialise together.

Perhaps I'm being childish and piqued that she is this wonderfully popular creature that I dared to fall out with and she 'won'. She has definitely 'won' in that sense. If I want to be childish about it.....

I just want to feel better and I do feel better when I don't see her but that's not possible.

Well at secondary the forcing together of parents at school gates and events drops off dramatically, so that's good.

I would drop out of her circle and try to make friends through other interests. After all, having kids at the same time is not actually a lot to have in common.

You are not a social failure! you are just like most of us. We have a few friendships, some last, some don't. Sometimes other people appear to have it all, we see in them the things we feel we lack in ourselves. Set her some boundaries. Deal with the consequences. Keep smiling and you'll make friends with other decent people. This woman doesn't make you feel good about yourself....... you're a busy mum, you don't have time for people who are bothersome!

You are not a social failure! you are just like most of us. We have a few friendships, some last, some don't. Sometimes other people appear to have it all, we see in them the things we feel we lack in ourselves. Set her some boundaries. Deal with the consequences. Keep smiling and you'll make friends with other decent people. This woman doesn't make you feel good about yourself....... you're a busy mum, you don't have time for people who are bothersome!

How do you know she thinks you are good friends? She is friendly to you as from time to time she needs you. She probably doesnt really have friends, just loads od people she knows.

We know a couple . Our children are the sAme age and really good friends. We also get on well. We have Had them round for dinner a few times but never invited back etc. Realised they have their social circle and we will never be part of it which is no problem. They would call us friends when really we aren't.

You are joining two things together - that your friends meet this charismatic woman, and that your friends then drift away from you.

They are not connected. They are both simply things that happen. One doesn't cause the other. Your friends are not so overwhelmed with desire to be friends with this woman that they 'dump' you. That doesn't happen in normal adult relationships. There is no 'winning' - all that is in your imagination. Deep down you must know this. If it was true, then your friends would not be worth having, would they?

I think the key is your self confidence. I don't know what to suggest, but you are you, you are unique, so be a bit proud to be yourself.

You may also find people only like her in small doses!

I wouldnt give it too much headspace!

I think you are being too hard on yourself.

Am same age and disappointed in myself that I still sometimes have stages of worrying about whether x and y are still my friends etc. Will we be in nursing homes wondering if everyone else is playing cards and we haven't been asked?!

I don't mind not having been asked so much as the losing friends.

It could well be a coincidence but it seems to have happened too often.

I think I am jealous of her and it's really not a great feeling.

You are being Wendy-ied OP.
Withdraw from contact with "charismatic" friend - don't let her know your arrangement for meeting other friends then she can't try to muscle in.
Be polite but distant, too busy for meet-ups etc.

Wendy's get off on stealing friends from others thereby isolating them. She is NOT a friend.

I'm never sure why people think they should make great friends with school mums on the basis that they had a baby around the same time as you. It's like choosing a husband because he was born in the same year. I get on with people at work well but I would say I'm only actual friends with 2 of them because we are very similar. I would concentrate on friends outside of the school gate. What are your interests?

People often say that about "mum" friends but surely the same applies to school and university friends? They are on,y in your orbit because you were born in the same year? You seek friendships there because they are your peers going through similar stuff to you.

She is probably very thick skinned and you are too polite.

So: 1) stop helping her. Play dates only for friends of your DC. And help out real friends (those at least vaguely likely to reciprocate).
2) Don't tell her anything. Talk about weather or TV. Nothing newsworthy.
3) you are not alone - if you were more bitchy you would discover others feel like you.

Some people are very greedy with social connections. I have a friend like this - though no way as annoying as yours - and I know she is greedy for another friend of mine who is very successful, sweet and glamorous. I keep them apart because I know I can't compete with her 'focus', 'chattiness' and ability to make friends - before long she would be seeing my lovely friend without me - NOT going to happen!!! Don't feel guilty! Keep her at arms length and away from your pals.

Reminds me of a friend from Uni.

She had a way of drawing everyone in, making everyone love her, but once I got to know her you would see her true colours. She was manipulative and selfish and used people for her own gains. And I pushed her away best I could because I wouldn't tolerate it (hard when you live together).

It annoyed me more because the new friends would think she's great, meanwhile I would be seen as the misery / bitch on the side line because I wasn't as close to her as I used to be and she would sulk to them.

I used to be jealous I guess, because all the girls and guys thought she was so amazing and it pissed me off because I just didn't think she was at all.

I just kept her at arms length and focussed on my real decent friends.

Honestly, it didn't get better until uni was over and she was out of my life.

Rosabug, how do you keep them apart?

Perhaps I'm upset because she's clearly not interested in me really. I'm useful and a childcare convenience for her. But we never really socialise. This has been going on for yonks though and I don't know why I feel hurt over and over.

She asks me to run with her and is the phone for most of it. Which I find odd and rude.

Well I guess I don't have to try that hard to keep them apart. But I often feel I 'should' invite them all round to dinner or say "we should meet up" - but I don't let myself do something I know I will regret just to not seem rude in the moment. I think you are perhaps a little addicted to the problem if you don't mind me saying - for some reason ? - I've been there too - going over and over the dynamics of a toxic friendship. I had a very very old friend where I always wanted the friendship to be better, deeper, but he was often dismissive and sometimes downright horrible. I kept it up because it seemed odd to 'end' it and besides I thought it might suddenly become the friendship I always wanted with him! (how? - I don't know). Anyway he started leaving pointed and 'off' comments on things I posted on FB. So I deleted him. - He got really angry and sent me a horrible abusive email. But you know what? I didn't care and that was that. Thing is, I wished I'd done it years ago - he was a bully. I felt like a very old little drop of poison was eradicated from my system. What I am saying is trust your instincts about this person (as a friend for you - she is not right) and don't allow fear of being rude, of what others might say to stop you quietly dropping her. Don't answer her messages, be polite but clearly distant physically when around her. Don't assume everyone 'loves' her, in reality there will be people who feel similar to you. Don't let her (not her really - your thoughts of her) get in the way of your relationships. Day at a time - she will disappear from your head.

She's a user op.
When she needs you you're her 'friend', otherwise you don't register on her radar; I don't mean to be harsh but I've been treated like this too in the past, until I learned to start saying 'No' and distancing myself a little.
It is hurtful but she's the one losing out in the long run and others realise that it's a game she's playing.

I think of people like this as Social Leeches......

Stop doing favours for her see what happens then. It seems she is a user. Just like someone I used to know. Once I stopped doing favours; I wasn't needed how funny

Don't do any favours for her. Don't go running with her. If she asks if she can join you for lunch say, "Sorry, there's something we have to discuss, so maybe another day." She's not your friend. Stop being a friend to her.

You make arrangements with your friends and if charismatic friend wants to come you say no I have a lot of catching up with x.

agree with the others.

it's not you, it's her. you're not jealous, or a social failure. She's a Slughorn.

She's pushy and rude to include herself in your lunch with her friend if she's not invited, tell her no. Don't offer help or childcare. Learn to say no and be firm, she's not used to it. This isn't what friendship is, you're only on her radar in a supply and demand capacity. Cut off the supply.

DC after school activity - can you change it to a different night/location? If not, do something after/before that makes it awkward for you to spend time with her or doing anything for her.

My Slughorn is a playground mum. First time I was invited round for coffee I felt grilled, like I was being interviewed for suitability or something. Took me 4 years to figure out she's just a cliquey, hierarchical, competitive, shallow type of playground cheeky fucker who comes across as lovely and friendly but uses others and discards when they're of no use. People like this don't even know they're doing it and can operate so subtly you don't see it at first, then you gradually start to feel almost like you're back in school and if somethings amiss it must be your fault because she's so friendlychattypopular - right? I could rattle off a huge list of stuff that seems really silly as individual things but taken together it's really uncomfortable Eg DS did a course last summer with a friends kid at their invitation. She told me off! Said her DS would have wanted to go why didn't I tell her! I felt like a naughty child. I'm 47! Until you start to bump into others who've been on the receiving end and you feel waves of relief as it all falls into place. I had a woman cry at me about her in the supermarket last year "oh Flange she was my best friend I wish I knew what I've done" she hadn't done anything except serve her purpose, the kids were now at different schools and she wasn't convenient for childcare. I confided in a friend recently and she laughed and said "yeah we know, what took you so long?" . Im sorry I'm posting about me, this is about you, I'm just trying to demonstrate that it's probably fairly common. There are cheeky fuckers everywhere.

relax and be happy! she's not really seeking you out because she's not climbing you socially. If she's climbing some of your friends, let her or leave her out. You are free to see whoever you like and not include her, live your life without her knowledge or consent. Go and have lunch with your friend.

A phrase I once heard springs to mind. 'Bright lights tend to fade quite quickly' and so it will be with charismatic acquaintance, I've no doubt. I knew someone very similar or I felt very similar to you. Just have confidence that you and your values are just fine and don't feel compelled to consider her social requirements or indeed explain yourself!