Marriage problems and child issues - don't know what to do - long!

[Dustysparrow]

Have name changed for this as certain aspects of my issues I’m quite embarrassed about, but I’m hoping somebody will have some constructive advice.

I have problems in my marriage and with my DD which are making each other worse and I can’t see the wood for the trees. My DD has had sleep issues for about 7 months now, and night time separation anxiety – more recently night terrors. She often ends up sleeping in with me after waking up crying or raging angry (sometimes she hits things or once even started smacking herself in rage and frustration), she says things which are quite self-loathing sometimes during these episodes. I have got an appointment booked with a doctor, although I honestly can’t see what they will be able to do for her - I think she will have to grow out of it over time and it could be years before that happens. Initially she wouldn’t go to sleep unless I was sat next to her bed, this went on for over 3 months and gradually I was able to increase the distance to outside the door, then to the room nextdoor, and now I can go downstairs but have to put my head round the door every 20 minutes or she has a meltdown. During the day she is a happy, contented child, although I would say sensitive (can be a bit highly strung). I want her to be happy and to get enough sleep as I think lack of sleep is bad for her health. It isn’t her fault that she feels the way she does at night-time but it can be very frustrating.

So, now cracks have started to appear in my marriage. One of the reasons is the on-going night-time issues with my daughter (this is one of the problems but NOT the only reason). My husband finds it impossible to deal with our DD when she is having these episodes at night, he has no patience and is instantly really arsey the second she starts up. Don’t get me wrong, it is driving me mad too but I know it doesn’t help the situation to get angry so have approached it with a lot more patience and understanding than he has. There have been a couple of moments where we have fallen out because I have felt he has been too scary and aggressive, shouting at her etc and I have had to step in and tell him to back off. For context he is always very tired, he gets up at silly-o-clock in the morning and has a very demanding, stressful job with a lot of responsibility, so his patience is short and he can’t cope with lack of sleep.

Essentially my DH and I get no time alone together AT ALL. I am up and down the stairs all evening dealing with our DD, my DH is grumpy throughout because of it, half the time we sleep in separate rooms because our DD is sleeping in with me after a meltdown. Our sex life is non-existent (something which is really upsetting me), we may as well be just housemates as we are living like brother and sister. We have zero privacy. Even if we do go to bed together my DH is so exhausted he is asleep instantly and we are both so paranoid now about our DD waking up that we can’t relax enough to initiate anything (she often wakes between 10-11.30). And actually now I am starting to feel that I don’t fancy him much, if at all, anymore. It all feels like it’s all going horribly wrong. Even if we get 20 mins together of an evening he doesn't really talk, either sits on his phone or falls asleep. I wouldn’t leave my DH as he and my DD would be devastated and I couldn’t do that to them. And logically I know that my DD will grow out of this phase eventually, but I am worried what state my marriage will be in by then, just years more of everything being miserable. My DH and I desperately need some time alone to reconnect as we are drifting apart but we can never have that – my DD can’t stay overnight with grandparents or friends because she would have a meltdown if I wasn’t there. In the meantime my marriage is going down the pan. I don’t know what to do, it feels like there is no solution. My DH loves and appreciates me and is a really good man with good intentions, but I don’t think he looks at me as ‘a woman’ as he is always preoccupied with stuff he has to do and with work. He is so ground down by life and tiredness that he doesn’t even think about sex anymore (he has told me this), he never flirts or touches me – he has never been tactile or flirty, just his nature not to be, and it has always bothered me. I feel so disappointed with it all. I don’t know where to start with getting everyone in our house happy again, it feels like it is all beyond my control.

My first question is are you sure your daughter will have a meltdown if she stays with her grandparents? Also, so what if she did? She's not going to implode. If the grandparents are aware of her issues and are able and willing to have her for a couple of nights, I think the separation would be good for all of you. You are all stuck in a horrible rut. Perhaps your daughter needs a different dynamic and try to learn how to deal with things without you.

How old is your dd?

Hi I've been in your shoes in regards to the marriage and you're problem isn't your husband it's the situation.

You don't say how old your daughter is. My son had night Terrors (did some research) saying his name helped him. But if it's as bad as you say you so need medical advice.

Could grandparents not look after her through the day on a weekend go to the pictures et dresses up go have a glass of wine.. try to remember why you loved your husband and make him see you as a women and not a mother or a maid. Marriage is bloody hard work and we all need time out x

Has your dh got any ideas that could be tried with dd? Does he maybe feel like an outsider with no wife and a dd who seems to have nothing to do with him. .

How old is DD?

My dd was exactly the same (night terrors and meltdowns) and she is prescribed sleep medication which helps enormously. Don't put up with this any longer as your dd can be helped.

I have been in your shoes. You have to be very honest with your DP about how you feel. About everything.

Do you ever go for walks? DP and I don't drive so we walk everywhere. DD will be in the pushchair and distracted by her surroundings and because the distance is 20-60mins we always open up. You are basically forced to talk!

How old is DD?

We found GP having ds for a day helpful...sex...cinema...long walks and talks help. It's not nightime but it brought us closer again

Thanks everyone. DD is 8 (sorry, should have said before). Yes, an overnight stay with grandparents would be great but I would feel bad both because I know DD would get so worked up and emotional - we are talking anything from a raging tantrum to proper distressed sobbing at my absence - and wouldn't feel right putting this on my parents as it would be stressful for them.

Just to put into context, we had friends of the family and their kids over to sleep the night a month or two ago, and we thought because our DD would have another little girl in her room with her that she would be fine because she would have company - how wrong we were! She ended up sobbing for me, totally confused as she also wanted to be with her friend (who she loves to bits) and knew we couldn't both sleep in the same room with her. She ended up in bed with me and my DH on the sofa downstairs. She is desperate to go on Brownie camp in September (a two night stay) and I am dreading it as I think it will go horribly wrong and it's not fair on the leaders, but they won't let me just drop her off for the day-time bits and take her home for the night. She did a brownie camp last year - before her sleep issues had arisen - and couldn't sleep, ended up howling and crying so much she had to sleep in the room with the leaders before she would settle.

My DH and I would definitely benefit from the long walks, cinema, date night type scenarios suggested, but I can't see how we can do it without causing huge upset to our DD and whoever is babysitting her :-( And actually I think my DH is depressed, and these nighttime issues with her are part of the cause.

I must admit the idea of sleep medication for her does fill me with trepidation, but it sounds like it has worked for other posters so that does give me some hope. I had actually booked to see the doctor some time ago about this but she seemed to make a sudden improvement so I cancelled it, only for her to go back to being like it again.

I know the thought of your daughter being upset is stressful, but you really need to escape the hamster wheel you are stuck in. Your daughter has also been completely trained to illicit the same response she gets from you night after night. I implore you to talk to the grandparents and get there help. Even if it's just one night a week. If she gets upset, I promise she will get over it. You and your husband are so disconnected that you can't even see straight.

It does feel like we can't see straight sometimes - a hamster wheel is exactly what we are on, just going round and around. I will talk to my mum - we are staying there next weekend (all three of us in the same room of course) - and see how she would feel about handling a meltdown if my dd stayed with them overnight. They live an hour away though so any sleepovers etc take a bit of prior arrangement - I wish they lived around the corner so we could do date nights etc, even if it wasn't an overnight thing.

The other issue with my DH is his job, which is the main reason he is so tired and stressed (and why he can't cope with stress at home). Because of government budget cuts he is doing the job of 4 people - literally, 4 people used to do all the stuff he does now, and it is a quite high ranking role so very responsible. I feel really sorry for him, I don't know how he does it. It's really no wonder he can hardly keep his eyes open of an evening (until our dd starts up that is). I don't know what can possibly be done about that though, he can't change careers. He also has a really abusive mother who has made his life hell and continues to do so - not trying to drip feed but my original post was already the length of a novel. He has a lot on his plate. It's almost as if the crap of life is taking up so much space that there isn't room left for anything good. He does, however, love our DD more than anything else on earth - just can't always deal with her in a rational way. I dread the teenage years.

How about having your husband going for a weakly/bi-weekly massage? Maybe it would help with his stress and tension, and it could help him get reacclimated to human touch. Non-sexual if course! But it could help. And you should find an outlet, too. A good massage could do you a world of good. I know it doesn't "fix" anything, but treating yourself is so important.

I think you should seek professional help for your DD's anxiety, starting with the GP, and tell the GP that this is affecting the whole family. Your DH has a good job so you could pay for counselling for DD.

Encourage DH to seek help too, eg counselling through work is often available. And make clear that temper with DD is not OK.

You don't need to leave DD overnight to get a break: you could visit your parents or have them visit and go for lunch or a walk just with DH. Or pay for a daytime sitter for a few hours.

All great advice, thank you. I do have a GP appointment booked - I'm going to go first of all without her so I can speak to the GP openly as I know she would be upset and worried if I even mention the word doctor. I hope the GP will be able to point us in the right direction at least.

I have suggested counselling to my DH before but he has dismissed the idea. He did have counselling after dd was born as he had a breakdown - think lack of sleep, responsibility and general shock of fatherhood - he slept downstairs on the sofa for the first 10 weeks of her life and cried a lot. She was actually 100% planned and wanted by both of us (happened quicker than he expectex though) so his reaction was not anticipated by either of us. Anyway, he didn't find counselling helpful and won't now consider it.

Yes, daytime quality time would be great too. We might be able to get a couple of hours alone when we visit my parents this weekend (if they don't mind us buggering off).

Yes, see the GP without your DD, and depending on what help's available for DD consider seeking private, specialist advice too. Important to get MH help for her: it's unusual behaviour for her age.

Your DH does sound a big problem too: he has a history of MH issues and is currently not OK but refusing to seek help and taking it out on you and DD. Not great.

You could tell DH you're concerned for him and encourage him to do whatever he feels would help him improve his health, but will not accept him shouting etc.

Have you looked at breaking the night terror cycle? It can be quite successful.

My eldest son is now 14 and still suffers but nowhere near like he used to. He wakes us up with shouting and screaming (not great when you stay in a hotel ) and Ds2 is so used to it he sleeps right through it.

Ds1 is the sweetest, most kind boy but when you finally get through to him and he wakes from the night terror he is awful to us, rude, dismissive etc. We even installed an app on his phone so that it records the noises and the abuse towards us. He was shocked and mortified.

I know you say you don't want to medicate your daughter but what is the alternative? If it helps her then it helps both you and your Dh too.

It is exhausting being woken every night without fail. You think it is something they will grow out of but I think now Dh and I sleep through short episodes and only wake for the prolonged ones.

I went through the night terrors with DD from aged 7-9 - it is/was grim. She also wet the bed for a long time.
We saw the doctor who said there was little they could do but recommended taking her to the loo as a way of breaking the night terrors which did work.
With the benefit of hindsight she had been through bereavement and my divorce so I should have accessed counselling for her - we are through the worst now but it's been a long slog.
It was harder for my ex to deal with it and it limited sleepovers but ex MIL helped - and my DD never remembered the episodes, which helped too I think.
Good luck OP.- it will pass but find some space for yourself and your relationship if you can.

I'm hoping that we can sail through these stormy waters and on the other side everything will be better. Last night dd actually didn't wake up at all (hurrah!) which was really great (albeit she is falling asleep quite late).

DH arrived home after a late shift and I suggested we take the chance of dd sleeping well for once to make some time together if you see what I mean, but predictably he took himself off to the spare room anyway as he has a cold and was tired, but said to pencil him in for the following night (!!). This is 100% because he just doesn't do 'spontaneous' and never has. Everything has to be pre-arranged, even sex. He has to know in advance what's going on or he just sticks to his original plan of going straight to sleep. I have brought up this lack of spontaneity (which is linked with the lack of romance, flirting etc) so many times with him but it makes no difference, that's just his way. He will certainly be up for sex tonight (if DD doesn't have a meltdown or wake up, which she may well do) because he has thought about it in advance. This just makes me want to beat my head against a wall. I do crave a more exciting love life with him but I know it will never happen.

Is he a bit autistic or Asperger
Does everything have to be planned, does he need order in his life. OCD possibly...

If you crawled in bed with him and went down on his would this blow his mind ....

Have you told your DH that you are worried about your marriage? I know you don't want to add to his stress, but he has to take some responsibility towards the family's wellbeing. I'm not saying he isn't doing 'his bit', but maybe you both need to think about and discuss the best way to get things back on track. Whether that be alone time, counselling, medication, overnight support etc.