visiting family abroad but dh not keen

[Graceissufficient]

Hello everyone.

We live here with no family around- all abroad. There's opportunity to visit my family this year, but dh does not wish to come. I understand that it's a stretch financially but it's not impossible. As we don't see family often, and Ds (8y) does not often get that opportunity, I suggested a month's stay during this summer holidays. I'm now feeling so guilty because it's looking like dh will not come - he has 2 weeks off work in those 4 weeks. Would it be best to reduce our stay to 2 weeks since he doesn't wish to come?

I think him staying a month with your family is a long time, but he could stay two weeks and then you stay an extra week with your son.

Find a compromise.

Maybe he will enjoy having a couple of weeks at home on his own? Why would you feel guilty about having a rare opportunity to spend much-appreciated time with your family? Is he sulking about it or something?

You stay for a month, he stays for s fortnight. Can't see the issue.

Sorry I wasn't clear. He doesn't need to stay for 4 weeks- he stays for 2 weeks and we stay for extra two weeks just because I work in Education and free most of August. The guilt is mainly around that he earns more in terms of family income as I work mostly around our son yet spending so much money to fly iyswim.

Yes, he was initially against us going for 4 was as he mentioned we shouldn't be away for such a long time but I explained that it was an opportunity with schools out for 6 weeks

So it will be stretching the family budget for you to stay longer? Is that the problem? Trying not to jump to the conclusion that he's a controlling git who makes you feel bad about taking a cut in earnings to save on childcare and give his child a nicer family life.

No, ravenmum, it will not necessarily stretch if we stayed longer - tickets costs the same and we'll be staying with my two sisters half and half. He's moaning about it being 4 weeks away. TBH, he doesn't really concern himself with holiday activities for ds, that's my problem and even when he returns on the evening after work, there's an unspoken or subtle tilt towards thinking that I've been 'relaxing ' with ds iyswim. Sometimes it's a little lonely during holidays with no family around. AIBU please?

Your holiday arrangements are not the only problem, are they?
Don't let him guilt trip you into cutting the holiday short. I know what you mean about the unspoken, subtle stuff. Could you go for 6 weeks? Sounds like you need some time to talk to your friends and family about your situation.

Omg I'd feel the same way as your poor dh.

you go for as long as you can afford but I think him going for a week is more than enough. I'd hate it and a week is a compromise to appease you.

No way I'd want to use up all my leave to stay with family. Using half is still him compromising for you.

You live away from your family and see them infrequently, you are off over the summer and want support and some fun times. Your husband should be happy for you to go, he is an arse.

Joysmum, the trouble is that the husband doesn't want Grace to stay more than 2 weeks either. She has the chance to spend 4 weeks or more with her family and he doesn't want her to as he thinks that means she gets a better holiday than him, which she doesn't deserve as she works less so as to look after their child.

I'll tell you what we are about to do (flying tonight), and then you won't feel guilty!

5.5 weeks away (split between my mother and his parents, same city) - husband will be working. Get back 2 days before he leaves for a conference, he is then going on to spend 2 weeks with his parents (his mother is ill). Not ideal but the best way round things as it worked out.

It depends a bit on distance, but more on the cost of tickets! Once you're making a trip you might as well make it as long as is realistic, when it is relatives and accommodation costs are low. In our case the distance (travel and time zones both) is such I wouldn't contemplate the journey myself for less than 3 weeks unless an emergency. We've had several split / one parent only trips over the years. Now our eldest is a teenager we even had a moment of considering letting them travel home on their own.

Your husband has several choices, you've made one for yourself that makes sense, go and enjoy the time.

I couldn't have afforded to stay longer, but would have taken the opportunity if it had been possible. I know lots of expats who spend several weeks at a time in the UK without their partner.

(GWBG, our two spent time with their grandad in the UK on their own from age 14, enjoyed it a lot and were proud to be so independent.)

My SIL used to do what you are planning when her DC were small. She is a teacher in a European country and liked to get her DC over to the UK to visit relatives and help improve their English as well as having fun. Her DH sometimes came for part of that time then he would go back to work. Her DC are adults now and all of them came to uni in the UK as they felt comfortable here and spoke excellent English. SIL still visits every summer even if her DH doesn't. He has never had any issue with her doing this.

What you are suggesting OP sounds good for both you and your DS. If your DH doesn't want to come for a couple fo weeks that is his loss.

Thank you very much for your comments. I'd never posted on here before but do come for advice. So thank you.

Yes, ds has only met my sisters and his cousins once. We are quite close family but we all live in different countries- this is what it is!

Thank you again.

I went on "holiday" with DP and family to their home country. By day 5, (of 10) BIL asked me how I liked the country. I honestly couldn't say, all I had seen was a stream of different people's front rooms with no air con and endless cups of tea while everyone around me spoke in a language I barely understood. I hadn't actually seen any of the country except the drive from the airport and the drive to aunties house. So I would never ever go on a trip like this for a month, sorry. You go for a month, he goes for 2 weeks, what's the issue?

Maybe to strengthen your case you could stress that this isn't a holiday in the traditional sense. I know for us, it was all jobs. We didn't go to the beach much - we cleaned out the chickens, tidied the house, prepared dinner while the men repaired things, ate dinner at home or at other families houses rather than out, time in the pool was limited to mornings and late evenings only, certainly no time to read or relax, we picked olives and fruit etc If he understood that, would he see it less as a month away on holiday?

Spending time with your family is not the same as going on a cruise, but Grace doesn't have to prove that it's not a holiday. It's the school holidays, she's a teacher, she will be looking after their child wherever she happens to be: by the pool, at the beach, she can do what she likes within the limits of parenting and does not have to have less fun because her dh is at work.

ravenmum Do you know the op personally? If not how are you getting all of the extra information?

He sounds horrible, guilt tripping you and no understanding of why you would want to see your family; does he actually see you as an equal, doesn't sound like it.

I RTFT.

We live abroad near DH's family. When we go to England, DH stays. When you have a limited window of time to see people, what often happens is you end up juggling several different things at once. It is very stressful and not very relaxing (not a holiday). DH hates this, it's not his country and I find adding into the extra stress of keeping DH happy as well is not worth it. Go by yourself and enjoy it.

Can you go on holiday for a week with DH nearby (and afford the associated costs) and then a week with your sister and DH, before he comes home and you spend the remaining 2 weeks with your family.
Staying with the in-laws for 2 weeks really isnt holiday.