Doubting myself- money and alcohol abuse by DP

[Florrie0]

I think I'm nearly all the way to being done in my relationship.
I've lost the emotional intimacy with my partner due to resentment, partly because I think he is awful with money, and his drinking has increased over the years.
But I'm having a wobble on if I'm being unreasonable.
I work part time in an OK paid job, all my money goes towards the family 'pot'. DP is a higher rate tax payer, and only puts 50% of his income in the pot. He's been very vague about how much he earns the last couple of years, but I've found a few payslips, I don't know whether this is deliberate, or he just hasn't thought.
Out of the pot comes every living expense you can think of, mortgage, all bills, family days out, savings for Christmas etc etc. Leaving DP with a hefty disposable income to do whatever takes his fancy every month.
And my disposable income is whatever is left of the pot after savings, expenses that have cropped up etc have gone.

He still complains constantly that he
skint. And I've found he has a large overdraft he is going over - £4000. And a loan of 8grand he's paying the minimum on, so not moving anywhere. As well as having 1500-2000 grand in his pocket each month. I just don't know where all the money is going. He has nothing to show for it. Apart from drinking in the pub 3 nights a week.
I've only just found this out, and I feel like packing up his shit and sending him packing.
We could have paid off the mortgage with all he's been pocketing the last few years!
And when I think of the years I've panicked over having enough for Christmas etc etc, while he's nodded his head and not put his hand in his pocket.
Am torn between wanting to talk it out, and feeling that it's over due to the deceit, and thinking fuck this I can do better on my own.

This is going to come down to whether he is the kind of man you can talk to and who will listen.

Look, if you are not happy and feel you want to leave you don't actually need a reason if, on the other hand you feel you want to try and salvage your relationship then changes must be discussed and seen through. There's really no middle way.

From what you have said it sounds like you have both drifted into this way of living and you've just woken up and don't like what you see but he won't just wake up and change.

You don't sound the least bit unreasonable, so you need to decide your next step.

That's exactly how I feel.
I've always known he earned a good amount, but not really thought about it much, as we have a joint account but his money goes into his own account.
We seemed to have drifted into him having the bulk of the disposable cash, and me doing the worrying on how to stretch out the rest so the family can have a nice Christmas, holiday etc.
I see him in a completely different light at the moment. And I don't know if I can come back from it.
I suspect the interest from the overdraft and loans are taking up a wedge of his money.
But there is nothing to show for near enough 12 grand of that, no car, no flash clothes etc.
There are other issues, but this is the one that's enraging me.

Then use that rage, dig deep and confront this. You work, raise the children, I dare say do the bulk of the household tasks and have to stretch the pennies to pay for Christmas.

He, on the other hand drinks too much and fritters cash that could be giving his children a lovely life. On paper it's a no brainer, reality is a lot trickier I know.

Blimey - you absolutely can do better on your own!!
It might still be a life of wondering if money will stretch at Christmas but it won't be shared with some idiot dragging you down, having a 4 figure disposable income - this is financial abuse to be honest!!
I left my cheating husband some 7 months ago. It's hard but you can absolutely do it and the relief you will feel will come in the months ahead, I promise you.

Yes, I do the bulk of the household tasks and most of child related care.
How did you guess Luxury
I've done some sums and it looks like I'd actually be up a few hundred if we were to split, as well as getting to dump DP's Direct debits from my account.
My job is professional one, which I could pick up extra hours if needed.
I just can't believe I've sleepwalked into this.
It was only a snippet of conversation and the payslip that led me to find out all this about DP, I don't even think he means to be deceitful about it when I think about it, i think he feels entitled to the bulk of the money. Not sure which is worse.

Time to make plans then.
Lots of us sleepwalk into situations that we then suddenly think 'WTAF?' so don't be hard on yourself there.

Good luck, there could be a fantastic new life waiting for you, resentment can only grow if you stay stuck in the same old patterns.

It seems very odd that he has all this debt and nothing to show for it. Can you do a bit more digging around? Look for credit card statements etc. 3 nights a week in the pub would not run up debts like this.
My ex is like this (but on a much smaller scale). He used to constantly moan about money, how he couldn't afford this and couldn't afford that, all the while having money sat in his account. He never put a penny in savings for the kids.
He still does it now we're separated. I'm sure he doesn't pay me full maintenance. He told me on Sunday he only has £13 left of his wages, then proceeded to go out drinking all day. And he had lovely new trainers on when I saw him next time.

I don't understand why people are like this at all. if I have money, I like to treat my family or use it for the family wisely.
Its up to you whether you want to have it out with him. I think I would need to know.

Sounds all too familiar. Turned out to be a gambling addiction.

Thank you all for your responses.
It's bound to be something he's wasting it on, I'm not sure what though.
Possibly gambling.
I'm going to have a further look around to see if I can find anything. He rarely opens his mail, it just mounts up, which is another worrying sign really.
I think when I have my ducks in a row, I'll have a chat with him.
But I think I'm done, even if he was to give up all control of the money to me, I don't relish the fact I'd have to micromanage another grown adult like a child in order to stop him being an idiot.
My heart tells me I shouldn't have to sit down and tell my children's father he should provide for them a bit more, rather than fritter his money on God knows what.
There's other issues involved, the usual boring stuff of him being useless with the kids, everything being my responsibility, and all that jazz. But think this has been the final straw in exposing what a fuckwit he is.

My educated guess is gambling

It doesn't really matter though. Now you have seen the light, this isn't any sort of relationship at all is it ?

I've thought about it, and I don't care what it is really.
There's still a couple of grands worth going on Betfair or just total stupidity on overdraft fees or interest on loans with no effort to sort it out.
Now to get Child maintenance off him.

Get it off him officially. Don't rely on his non existent good will

Darnn right, do it all properly as he has proven himself unreliable.

I'm so glad you'll be better off too, march on to a new and less stressful life.