Hello,
First time ever posting in a forum. Worth saying that I am not a Mum but planning for children in the very near future and love Mumsnet for the great conversations and insights. Trying to get my ducks in a row at the minute and it really helps!
I've read similar threads to where I'm at, but wanted to post one specifically from my experiences. I have been torn between two men for a very long time and my mental faculties are totally drained and I have to share as becoming a mother is the most important thing to me as I approach my 34th Year and my maternal instinct so strong and clear.
Last year, I left DP of five years and the beautiful home we owned together - the home we were planning to have children in. DP was the most incredible partner a woman could want. Attentive, loyal, helpful, loving, nurturing, involved, present, attractive, great job, encouraging, confident, thoughtful, great listener, huge mutual respect, great friendship circle and extended family, co-founder of our exciting and fruitful company - all round partner in crime. There wasn't anything he wouldn't do for me, not a treat or an expense he would spare to keep our lives together exciting and fun filled. But our sex life had always been hit and miss. When we first started dating, I looked up and thanked heavens that I found someone who ticked every box I could ever ask for. I'd found 'the one' and I didn't even believe in 'the one.' When the first few failed attempts at having sex - he became flaccid with a condom and even without, struggled to stay erect to completion - I put it down to nerves. The stakes were high as we felt so strongly for each other. The sexual chemistry was there so physically I just thought - it happens to every guy. He was sexually attentive and affectionate in every other way, I wasn't going to start picking holes in an incredible partnership.When I got a coil fitted so that we could keep trying without thinking of condoms, there were still more false starts. One or two good nights of sex to completion, but mostly stalled attempts. Even the nights of full sex felt like he was just trying to 'get through' and please me, rather than really connecting. Again, understandable. After three months, I had concerns but none so strong that I would have ever thought 'deal breaker.' We were on the same page in every other way possible. When my DP's mother died suddenly, a few months in to our relationship - I saw the strength of our relationship solidify. I wanted to do everything to get him through it - his dad died young so he was now an orphan. We moved in together, his grief was great but so was our love. Our intimate life continued as it was, stop and start but with understanding flowing from me and apologies and concerted efforts from him. He tried all alternative remedies, GP, counselling. When we bought our house together, DP's grief was two years in and things were beginning to lift. I was reassured by DP that finding a new rhythm in a house of our own - things would come together. He would be relaxed and we'd get in to our sexual stride. But they didn't improve. Before I knew it, two years had passed and we had had sex once. Not even any attempts outside of that. And even that once felt very strange. I felt sad afterwards rather than hopeful. We then had a year of brilliant couples counselling but things still didn't shift. I think I was too far gone in the resentment stakes. I don't know if anyone has experienced this, but I started to go pretty crazy. I was depressed, not eating, sometimes leaving the house with nowhere to go and just walking for hours. I never wanted to leave DP but even his kisses and cuddles had begun to repulse me. I could not kiss him for nearly 18 months. I always thought - what's the point if it never goes anywhere?!? I started to think DP was gay, asexual, having an affair - anything to justify why a man in his 30's was sharing a bed with the woman he loved and not able to touch her or use that morning boner for something - even out of duty?!? It was when I started getting chest tightness that felt like it was the start of panic attacks that I knew I had to get help. I started seeing a councillor myself and connected to lots of stuff. I became aware how much I wanted children - soon - and how I had completely gone off the idea of DP being the father. Obviously it was mad to think we'd be able to conceive without having sex, but it was more than that. I didn't want my children to feel physically rejected the way I felt. I didn't want my sadness to filter down to my child in the womb - if we did manage to conceive - but if the sexual droughts continued.
One day, at dinner, without anything other than instinct coursing through me - I stood up and left. It came as a huge shock to us both - especially DP. I don't know what I was doing or thinking - but it's been a year now that we've been broken up. The house affairs have been totally emotionally exhausting but are now finalised and I'm looking for new places on my own. DP is still broken by it, he's lost the love of his life - and so have I. We're both suffering. But the instinct to go was so strong by the end, I had no choice but to act on it or be consumed by the sexual frustration and fear of losing the chance to conceive.
Two weeks after the split from DP, a friend I've had for years - same amount of time as relationship - confessed that he'd had feelings for me since the day we met and that he'd been holding a torch for me. Suddenly there were sparks flying over the place. We have huge sexual chemistry and ended up having the most incredible sex of both our lives. Slowly we've formed a committed relationship and are holidaying, meeting families.etc. Getting serious. This new guy is the opposite of my ex DP. He's the sweetest man in all the world - honest, kind, open, fun, gorgeous looking - but lacks all of the 'security' that DP offered. All the inate and unspoken partnership. All of the sensible stuff has gone out of the window completely but there are deep vibrations within me that tell me that this is the father of my children. I want to have kids with this man - not just because I want to have kids! I can see them. Sometimes I talk to them. (!?!?) My friends and family think I'm quite mad. I've left everything stable behind and NOW want to have kids?!? It doesn't make sense. It makes little sense to me either. I'm in temp accommodation, not currently working as needed to change career when left DP and my company, new relationship.etc. The list of how I'm currently not nailing life goes on!
A year on and I miss ex DP like mad, so much sadness when I think about the beautiful partnership we had - but no idea if I'm romanticising. I miss our friendship, our stability, our deep understanding of each other. New guy ignites all the passion that there is inside of me, but not being as 'set up' and similar to me as ex DP was scares me all the time. Me and DP were like twins!
And that's it. I feel constantly scared. Scared I've made a mistake, scared of going back and potentially living a sexless life again (sex to procreate but not for fun potentially), I'm scared of the strong instincts I have about my new boyfriend - what if I'm just being crazy? He wants kids too and nothing more than to settle down with me - I'm 'the one' for him. But for the first time I'm the potential breadwinner, I'm in the driving seat of nearly everything and that scares me as it's totally role reversal. I wish the two people could just fuse together! Because I'm living a life in my head at the moment. Trapped between two men. The first who would make a wonderful 'father' - provide and be on the same page with me as mum but potentially not want to have sex with me. The second who is a bundle of love and sexual energy and kindness that would make a gorgeous 'dad', attentive and fun and kind but potentially not on the same page with me as mum when it comes to the financial stability and that effortless partnership. We are quite different as people. But yin and yang.... I love both men very much and feel like I'm having a total Jekyl and Hyde personality crisis when it comes to working out who I'm supposed to be with forever.
I've rambled here and very aware that writing partly for catharsis. If anyone has experienced this crippling doubt/regret when it comes to serious relationships and your head and your womb grappling for attention - do let me know. Any word at this stage will help so much with what is building anxiety again and wanting to 'do the right thing' before bringing a new life in to the world.
Thank you 😊