Should I move in with boyfriend unsure about parenthood?

[sallyanne33]

Hi all, first time poster. Sorry, I'm sure this dilemma has come up many times. I just wanted some advice. My boyfriend is 35, I am 33. We have been together a year and he wants me to move in with him. I love him and I want to but what's worrying me is his non-commital attitude towards having a family. He has always said he was open to the idea, loves being a fun uncle to his brother's kids etc, but I am not getting any younger and I would like to have kids so I want him to give me a more definite answer before I agree to move in. He says he can't give me a guarantee. My friend says I am putting too much pressure on him by demanding a yes or no when he is not sure. She thinks that he will come round once our relationship becomes stronger and he does not feel pressured. I think at 35 he should know what he wants in the future. I am worried that in a couple of years he may still be on the fence and meanwhile my fertility will be in decline and I may lose my chance at motherhood waiting around for him to be sure. His objections to having kids are loss of freedom and personal space, stress, and fears he will not be a good father due to having a quick temper. But he has talked about where he would want to raise kids, that he would want two and not just one etc so he is clearly picturing it in some ways. What would you do?

At your age I would want a clear indication you're on the same page regarding parenthood. He absolutely has the right not to want children, and even not to be sure about it, but if it's important to you then you are incompatible and you shouldn't waste your time and potentially your fertility on him.

You need to sit and have a good chat. Make a decision after that.

I have friends that have been/still are in relationships waiting for this answer. One couple married around 7 years ago, didn't have kids immediately as the H felt they couldn't afford it at the time, now he's still using that reason but has added that he doesn't think it will ever be the right time and seems happy not to have kids, my friend is devastated as she is 36, loves her H and doesn't feel she could 'start again' with someone who wants kids. It does seem a recipe for resentment.

I know it sounds awful but if you're not in the same place as your P sometimes you need to walk away. I had to walk away when I was younger as P wanted to settle and have kids immediately but I was far too young (by that I mean I was very selfish at that time). He has 3 lovely children now and seems very happy. I now have a lovely H and 3 month old DD, we were fortunate to meet when we were both in the same place. We met at almost 3 years ago when I was 29 and he was 33.

Don't know if that helps or I'm just rambling (and sorry if there are typos, I hate typing on the tablet)

All the best

His objections to having kids are loss of freedom and personal space, stress, and fears he will not be a good father due to having a quick temper

Do you think that these things will change when he is 37 or 40 ?

He's as mature as he's ever going to be.

Not sure why you're in a relationship with the man, let alone having kids with him.

Thanks all. Yes, my fear is that I will wait forever, it will never be 'the right time', and none of the factors that he is worried about now will change. I would be sad to break things off as I do think he would be a great father (and husband, although he doesn't want to get married, he would only go for a civil partnership when this becomes an option. I have said although I would prefer to get married, I am willing to go with what he wants on this, but I don't want to give up on the idea of having a family.) Maybe he just doesn't want to marry and have kids with me.

I think you'll need to leave him. I don't think the majority of childless men of 35+ would choose to have children if they had it their way.

Yeah they probably wouldn't, they'd rather play computer games and remain a manchild! But then don't they say a lot of men are ambivalent about kids until they have one, and then they turn into doting fathers?

and then they turn into doting fathers?
You only need to read this board for a couple of days to know that is not true.
Men often find it very easy to just walk away from wife and kids and ride off into the sunset, so do NOT pin your hopes on this!

due to having a quick temper
Why are you with him if he's like this?

If you have kids and don't marry, especially if you've moved into his house, you'd be in a very vulnerable position should you have children and then he decides the responsibility is too much.

I'm not saying you should be married from a moral pov but a practical and legal one iyswim?

I wouldn't do it in your case. He just seems too uncommitted.

Thankyou all, you make some good points. The quick temper thing is his assessment of his flaws, not mine. I don't think he is particularly bad tempered or else I wouldn't be wanting to have his baby.

Don't do it

When I met dh he didn't have any. I did but I knew i wanted more. He never wanted dc but that changed early on in our relationship (we ttc a year in)
If he hadn't been willing to at least have a serious discussion I would have walked away. .

Have that discussion, it is not being too demanding / pushy to check whether you are a good match or not

If he can't have a serious discussion then that tells you something itself, as life often gets more complicated not less

The 'wait for him to decide' approach is very disempowering, it is your life you can choose who to live it with and how it goes

If you were in your 20' s I would think wait and see..Mid 30's no..

You have to take I don't know as a no..

He really does not seem to want to be tied to you at all, no marriage , no kids.

I would not loose my independence for someone who doesn't want any real commitment.

absolutely not... your 33 not 23 honey.... find someone who can share the things you both want x

It's only been a yesr, why is there a rush to move in together, particularly when you're not on the same page?

Given that he wants you to move in, moving in is your leverage and sends a very clear message that that type of commitment is dependent on there being a future with children. If you move in now, he'll get complacent and children will be forever kicked into the long grass because the assumption will be that it would be harder for you to walk away if your lives were more enmeshed.

Don't move in and set yourself a deadline and communicate the deadline to him, so that you're at least on the same page regarding when you expect a decision to be made. If you give him the space to 'forget' that this is what you want, he will. I fear that his talk about how many kids he wants in the future is just that, talk to keep you on the hook.

I hope I'm wrong about him but you need to stay focused and ignore all the bullshit.

it keeps his mind focussed You're not on the same page now and there's no guarantee you'll be later.

Given your age I would set yourself a deadline and if he isn't making any positive noises by your deadline, then you have to walk away.

Quick temper?

Please explain. Not judging but that stuck out in your post.

Thanks for your advice guys. It's been a really hard few days for me thinking about this. I have shocked myself with how upset I am over it. It feels like grief, because this is potentially a relationship ending issue. And grief because if I break up with him there's still no guarantee I will find someone else to have a family with while there's still time. He is the only person I have met that I wanted to have kids with. Last night I was feeling ill basically because I was so worn out emotionally over this, and he made a joke about 'see, imagine if you were ill like this and you also had kids to deal with'. I just broke down. He apologised, but it shows me he doesn't understand what this means to me.
@PollytheDolly, the temper thing is one of the reasons he gave for not wanting to have kids, he thinks he is too quick to anger, like his own dad. I haven't seen much evidence of this, we've looked after rescue animals and he is actually pretty patient I think.
I have decided I will not be moving in at this stage. We have had a serious conversation but we need to talk more. I am trying to come to terms with the fact that we may not see the same future, so perhaps we don't have one together. To the poster who asked if I would consider having a child on my own, yes I have thought about it but am worried about whether I am financially stable enough. I'm self employed so no nice maternity package for me. The thought of doing it alone makes me feel quite empty, I always imagined a child as part of a loving partnership I guess.