Anyone else's kids get treated differently?

[whenyouwish]

Has anyone ever made a relationship work when you've got awful inlaws.
I absolutely hate my husbands mum and dad. It's not even for anything major. I'm polite to their face and see them once a month but I'm constantly seething with how they treat my kids so differently to their other grandkids and I can't get over it.
It makes me turn into a proper mummy lion and I don't know if I'm being irrational.
They see the other grandkids a few times a week, go to their house, look after them most weekends, buy them presents, take them places. This is plastered all over social media. My husband takes my kids over there once a week, but if he didn't then they wouldn't bother to come and see them.
It's got to the stage now where my daughters cousins brag about where they've been taken and what they've been bought. They've even ushered us out of the house quickly in order to take the other 2 grandkids out for the afternoon and it's really starting to upset my daughter in particular as she's older.
They have the other 2 for sleepovers, circus trips, trips to the fair, park, outings, clothes shopping and never invite my kids.
My daughter is a really really good kid. She's no trouble whatsoever, so it's not that she's badly behaved (also have a baby so can understand that the baby may not be invited as too small). The in laws pay for my nieces ballet lessons but not my daughters. We all have the same circumstances, live the same distance away, us and my bil and sil have the same working arrangements and income so can't work out why my kids are treated so poorly in comparison. My husband wants to keep the peace so won't say anything to them and this is making me want to end the relationship as its effecting me so much and I just seethe on a daily basis because of it. I probably am jealous but I'm more gutted that they don't seem to like my kids? I know I'm biased but they're lovely kids. Any advice?

Why do you take your DC there so much if they aren't bothered? Maybe use the time and effort to do things you as a family can enjoy. (Lots of quite normal families see grandparents far less frequently than once a week.)

I would also try to encourage your DH to maybe get some counselling and look at the family dynamic when she was a child.
I find it unlikely that they have only had favourites now, but it seems more likely that this is something that started in childhood. Maybe look at the Stately homes thread?

Well I kind of thought I was being the bigger person taking the kids there. They act like they like them when they visit each week, but then they massively favour the other grandkids. My husband is so laid back and says they can spend their money on who and what they like and tells me I need to get over it, but it really makes me furious seeing my kids getting no time or attention when the other grandkids get it all. I think it must have started in childhood as he sees it as completely normal. My parents on the other hand are fair to a T. If they take one grandchild out for the morning then they'll always make sure they'll do something equal with the others. If they pay something for my kids then the same amount gets put in the other grandkids savings accounts etc.

My FIL - had a favourite Grandchild. He was scrupulously fair with presents etc. and always celebrated all of his grandchildrens achievements. He probably thought it was a secret, but everyone of the children knew who his favourite was (except maybe the favourite).
We didn't mind because he was so fair. In some ways it made it easier for my DC as there was no pressure on them to be perfect. And I did wonder if it was an extra strain when the "perfect" one had a particular difficult time, to admit and disappoint Grandad.

But it wasn't like your situation. I'd talk to your DH about what your DC are getting from the visits. Try to get him to think in terms of what is best for the children. Rather than putting his parents rights and desires first.

I'm from a family where blood doesn't matter, doesn't matter if your step or half, family is family. Sadly some people don't feel the same way, it's the same with my MIL, she's fair with presents etc but she once drunkenly admitted she would never love my DD the way she loves my DS who is her "blood", I was gutted for her and it took all my strength not to cry in front of her, luckily my DD wasn't in earshot. I will never forgive her for what she said but I eventually did get over it and realised not everyone has big hearts. I would take the advice of previous posters and stop taking your daughter there as often and when your partner wants to go see his parents, go take your daughter somewhere special for a little treat just the two of you.

The ushering out of your kids is horrible...

My pil are like this all the time. They have my sil children who they look after all the time since they were babies. They buy them stuff take them out on day trips and on holiday etc. And they don't give a toss about my daughter. They never ask about her and don't want to see her. So now I don't bother its there loss. And when my daughter comes to a age when it's very obvious that they favour the boys then I will gently have to explain to her. I'm trying to go nc with them anyway, as they are vile and they are just horrible rasist bigots. But that's another thread

Are they your husbands sisters children or his brother?

I have noticed that often a grandmother will be more inolved with her daughters children than her sons. Not necessarily to the extent you mention but there is a different dynamic at play. The grandfather will probably just go along with his wife for an easy life!!!

It's the same in ours. PILs live for Sil and her 2 children. All conversation is about them. They ask DS a question but it's only ever an intro to speak about them. This has gone on for years and there have been lots of issues due to their favouring Sil and her family. DS is 13 and acutely aware of it now too.
We met Pils in the supermarket yesterday stocking up for Sil's children to stay for 3 days. (We all live in the same town and this happens every week in the holidays to give healthy, part time worker Sil and her DH a rest). They were super excited showing us and DS what they were buying for them. When we said bye they said to DS 'See you sometime!'.
It wont be soon.
PILs are 81. Mil had a cancer op in the spring (the children stayed the night before she went into hospital) and Fil has ever worsening COPD. He struggled round the supermarket yesterday. They are literally killing themselves for them.
It angers me and saddens me too for DH and DS and them as they have missed out on a relationship with two lovely people. They have created in Sil a nasty, spoiled and unpleasant human being ( the last time I was at Pils and she was there she pretended to be asleep) and her children appear to be going the same way. DS is now at the same school as Sil's DD and there have been a number of uncomfortable exchanges between them.
Vote with your feet OP, protect your family. Don't go and see them as much. Remember, they have made choices in how they behave and treat you and your family.

Do you have any idea the reason behind it? Same as above, are the other grand kids from son or daughter?

Sometimes it's about the dynamic in the family before you had children. I had this with ex in laws where they were closer to their daughter (sil) and also their children came along first. My dc were always the poor relations as exh wasn't as close to his parents.

Also ex sil used to ask for more babysitting and favours etc and all the in laws time seemed to be spent with them. Sometimes the person who is most demanding and shouts the loudest gets the most.

I have this issue op nothing helpful to add op but its incredibly hard.

I ended up going NC with my parents for this reason ( among others ). It was very extreme favouritism e.g. they paid for nephew to go to private school, took him on a 2 week holiday to Disneyland etc . My DD got a soft toy from Disneyland and they complained that she wasn't grateful enough.

They told DN to lie about what gifts he was given for birthday and Christmas but of course he didn't , he boasted ( don't blame him, he was only a kid ) .

Once she was old enough to be notice and be upset by it I had to stop seeing them for her sake.

Are they your husbands kids?

I have the same issue. FIL favours DS over DD, but it's his loss because DD is bloody lovely. And DS doesn't go to PIL anymore because I won't have blatant favouritism like that, so it's FILs loss in the end.

It's stinks but there's nothing you can do. I wouldn't go out of my way to take the grandkids over if I were you.

Looking at it from another perspective, do you think its possibly that they see you and your child less than the others because you completely loathe them and they know it? Would you want to spend time with people who hate you?

I know someone who would have said the same as you, that the other grandkids were favoured instead of theirs, but what they are completely unable to see is that the parents of the other kids make much more effort, they spend time with the grandparents willingly, get on, and invite them to things. Whereas the seething other parent doesn't like the grandparents, doesn't visit except when they want something, and only brings the children to the gps when they want them babysat.
They tell everyone how unfair it is that the grandparents favour the other kids, but can't see how its a situation they created, and the grandparents are very sad that they have no real relationship with those grandkids.

Not saying yours is the same but just offering another view.

Answers to above, yes husbands children that we have together so biological grandkids and the favoured grandkids are my husbands brothers kids so literally the exact same circumstances as us.
They are the oldest grandkids (the favoured ones, but there's only 6 months between my eldest and their youngest so not a massive age gap)
I really want to go no contact as I'm pretty low contact anyway but didn't know if it was fair on the kids to do that. It makes my blood boil. Nice to see I'm not the only one in this situation though.

I understand your frustrations op. Pil adore sil and her dc's. the sun shines out of their backsides and dh gets treated like a second class citizen. The worst bit is I don't think they are even aware they do it.

Sil behaves shockingly towards dh, I cannot stand being around her and the fact that none of her family seem to pick up on this vileness.

We had twins 5 years ago and pil were nowhere to be seen, really couldn't be bothered. Dts cannot stand his grandma either. And don't even get me started on the way they are with my older dc (their step gc's)

I just don't bother now. Leave dh to sort all cards & gifts for his side. They are rude, have been totally unsupportive and after years of battling pnd I have learned to detach from stressful situations

Didn't realise they are their actual biological grandkids!! And they still treat them like this? That's disgusting and I'd call them out on it!

I agree it's because they shout the loudest tho. They are constantly asking for babysitting, whereas I want to spend time with my kids. They dump their kids with the grandparents for stupid people reasons like they want to do some cleaning or shopping in peace. So inevitably the grandkids are dumped there a few times a week so maybe that's why they're favoured.

o inevitably the grandkids are dumped there a few times a week so maybe that's why they're favoured

Or just simply they spend more time with them, know them better and therefore have a stronger relationship?

So I should drop mine round there a few times a week then? And regardless of how much time is spent with a certain grandchild do you not think gift buying and clothes buying and paying for extra curricular activities should be fair? Along with being invited for days and nights away.

I'll give you a lovely example of my wonderful inlaws! Dp is Australian & his family live in Oz, mil posts a lot of Facebook about how Dd is her princess & she misses her everyday but that's all just for show. A couple of years ago they came to visit, while here they had a day out shopping for gifts for the other grandkids. They showed Dd (who was about 7 at the time) look we got boy grandkid this remote control helicopter from Harrods & we got girl grandkid this amazing doll that does this that and the other from Hamleys, oh & we got you this, a pot of goo from the pound shop!
I was bloody livid & they were lucky not to be evicted there & then.
Dd doesn't need anything from them, but they never buy xmas or birthday gifts for her and the do for the others, it really gets my goat. At least they live far enough away that I can pretend they don't exist

I don't know. But it's hard to be fair if you see one set of kids far more than the other. Maybe they think you don't want them to do stuff like pay for activities? Maybe they don't want to pay for the others but feel forced into it?
Just saying you have to look at your own input, its not nothing to do with you.

From what you've said it sounds like they are nice people, genuine and caring type with everyone else.
Could it be that they are closer to their other DIL and don't want to feel like they are interfering with you and your DC? Maybe you could get your DH to ask them for a night babysitting your DC and see how they take it, they might be really pleased to be asked!

Even if I did want to drop my kids round a few times a week I couldn't, as between the inlaws part time jobs, having the other grandkids numerous times a week and caring for their very elderly parents they don't actually have any time free. It's hard enough for my husband to find 30 mins a week where they can see him with our kids. So don't think dropping them round more often would work. Also they pass our house approximately 6 times a week on their way to their hobby but they've never in 6 years once popped in to see us or the kids even though they've been invited.

toosexyforyahshirt it is good to have the different perspective on the issue.
However, as a grandparent myself I feel I would treat all my
grandchildren equally in spite of their parents behaviour.
The problem could have a historical dimension. The DH seems unable or unwilling to stand up to his parents and could stem from his
sibling being preferred over him. The favoured sibling does not seem
to be showing support for the DC's who being unfairly treated.
It does my heart good to see that the OP has her DC's back.