Aibu

[bunzie]

sorry kinda long....

Ok so I avoid my inlaws.... since day one i have seen my bil and fil have laughed at and belittled my mil (rip) and my husband who is eldest.... they have done this at family gatherings in front of family and strangers. because I am married to him they do this to me and mostly has something to do with not knowing how and what to do when it comes to my kids. my hubby is an introvert and lacks extremely in confidence. he will not confront anyone and i think it is down to years of this emotional bullying from his father and bro... his brother on other hand is very outspoken and confident and is very proud of his business and financial success etc. sadly in our community money talks and he gets a lot of respect(puke)

ok so rather than being a victim of their insults I prefer to avoid them... so i havent been visiting them for 6 mnths or so...

I let hubby take kids every other week to father in law and bil house... my fil wanted to buy my daughter a cycle so my hubby, fil and daughter went and got one... so today my bil fil, hubby's uncle and aunt paid us a visit... my bil saw the cycle and pointed out to my hubby that he had fitted the wheel the wrong way around... fair enough pointing out his mistake then fil and bil started to laugh at my husband... i obviously felt bad cos they came to my house afta 6 mnths and within 10 min dropped a jellyfish. I looked over at my hubby and later asked him if he felt bad. he said yes but said what could he do and talked bout karma getting to my bil. i told him that was bullshit.

i asked him whether they meant to laugh at him... guess i was looking for him to say something to pacify my anger... but he said he knows his bro will jump at first opportunity to show him down.

i want to trash the bike... told my daughter already i will get her another one... hate to drag kids into this....i am so angry 😡.

incase people wonder why we don't talk to them about this....i have read so many articles to try and put my finger on why they do this and mind you not to everyone... they wouldn't do it to people in their inner circle.. and i truly believe they are narcissists.

I am sure I will not be letting my daughter use the bike.

Don't stop your daughter using the bike. That's punishing her for her relatives' behaviour and will make her resent you and not them. Perhaps you could make it more appealing, with ribbons on the handlebars and a basket or something? Or buy her a nice helmet?

With regards to the parents, you need to talk to your DH and ask him what he wants to do. It sounds like he doesn't like them very much, could you all go low contact? So perhaps your DH goes once a month on a Saturday, or whenever works, and then maybe every other month he takes the children, if you think the family might complain about seeing them.

I know most people will say that your DH needs to stand up to his family, and they are right, but it sounds like he doesn't have the confidence to do this at the moment. My DH is the same. He is scared of his parents, although he doesn't even know that he is. He is desperate for their approval, for them to tell him well done. They never will, and he is slowly learning this. So in the meantime, I stick up for him whenever I can. He shouldn't let them speak to you or the children badly, but if you don't like the way they are speaking to you, the children OR your DH, call them out on it. Demand that they explain why they're laughing, or ask them to explain their comments, if you think it's rude. Why do they think it's ok for them to talk to you/DH/DC like that? Call them out on it every time, and they will either stop it, or they'll go low contact themselves because they won't want the arguments.

I used to get into such a state over my in laws, but now I just call them out on it - I don't care whether people think I have a DH problem, I know that he really struggles with where he belongs in his family of origin, and doesn't know how to deal with them. I don't lose anything if they cut me out, so I can tell them not to speak to him in the way they do.

I also hold the power - if they piss me off, they don't see my children. So things have got a lot better. Still not brilliant, but better than they were.

Don't take any shit from them, stand up for your children and your DH, encourage him to stand up for himself and for you, and try and see them as little as possible.

And don't take the bike away from your daughter. It's not her fault.

Hey Jay... your situation sounds similar to mine... my hubby will never speak up... so down to me but i don't like confrontations... plus family isvvery sexist... fil and bil will not bear me speaking up... i use subtle methods as well like not letting them see kids for a while and thought getting rid of the bike would be a big hint to them that they shouldn't have laughed at my hubby... i would understand if bil had pointed it out and started or suggested to change the wheel around... but he and fil just sat there laughing and my hubby embarrassingly said he will change it.

then my dd took it out to the garden to ride it and left it out and my bil told her twice to bring it in even if it wasn't raining. he finally brought it in himself... he is very possessive of my fil and tries to be the golden child... this bike means more to him cos my fil bought it and not cos my daughter or us enjoy it.

so thot if my daughter told them i had got rid of it and they saw another one it would hit them bad... but they would know why i did it... bil would be happy cos his dad would see what a bitch i am. but i don't care..,

thot this with a combo of kids not visiting would do the trick... fil still wud call so will find out bout me getting rid of bike.

some people will say why not talk to them... omg i have tried this before but only to be ridiculed... them saying i was moaning or preaching a sermon etc... plus my inlaws is a big family... half of them are under the thumb and all the bullies stick together and gang up if someone speaks up against them.

also voicing something out will only let them know they managed to hurt us... this way, my fil will feel hurt but wouldn't necessarily know how much or whether we are hurt.

oh i don't know... i was definitely going to get daughter a replacement... we usually do not accept any gifts from him but thot why not... everyone was happy... but fil shouldnt have laughed with bil or said something to support hubby... bloody cycle and breaks still work although the wheel is wrong way round.

This is how many families are, mine included. There is a familiarity where people think they can do or say anything and put-downs are fine. In my own family I used to come back with a put-down of equal strength - a remnant from childhood one upmanship I think.

With husband's family it is a different matter. I am vegetarian and therefore the butt of so many 'jokes'. They accuse me of being uptight and can't take a joke, but they do the same thing to my husband about anything - haircut, glasses, hobbies and so on.

SO many families don't have emotional boundaries and they need to. These days I tell them that they are being uncool or unfunny and walk away. @It's just banter' they say and I tell them not to banter around me. Din't stop with bil so I no longer visit.

My advice is to tell them to grow up and not to show disrespect around others, especially the children. The proper way is to say that you'd like them not to act this way because it makes you feel belittled, and you won't tolerate that anymore.

It won't be easy. Families think they have entitlement. Good luck xx