Is literally splitting the house a reasonable thing to do?

[EddSimcox]

I've had a couple of threads here in the past. Quick potted summary, long running issue in my relationship with DP, verge of splitting up for 2 years, stayed together because we sort of still love each other, have 3 DC, and there's no cheating, abuse, etc etc.
All come to a head though a couple of times recently in counselling, net result of which is that we are currently on a temporary / trial separation. Just for two weeks initially. Moving in and out the house, swapping each night (more or less).
What I've learned:

• We both hate being away from the DC
• We're not missing each other all that much
• The moving in and out of the house thing is unsustainable for any longer than a couple of weeks
• We're fine and grown-up about arranging practical things to do with the DC

Which makes me think that we are probably more likely to split up for good than to get back together over the summer. Anyway, this post is on that assumption.

We live in a big house in London, and have 3 DC who are of ages and sex that makes bedroom sharing difficult. There is room in the house with a bit of reconfiguration for the DC to retain a bedroom each and DP and me to have living room, kitchen, bedroom each and share the 2 bathrooms with the DC, one each. We would be split over separate floors. I think this is absolutely ideal because

• The DC would stay in the same house, with a bedroom each and all their stuff in one place, no upheaval (or not much), and no moving around from house to house
• The DC could see both their parents every day (though we'd have a rota, so it wouldn't necessarily be every day, or it might just be for 5 mins goodnight kiss), and us them
• It would be affordable
• We'd each have our own space to do what we want with.

DP refuses to consider it because she says she wouldn't be able to stand seeing me coming and going and would be too upset to live in such close proximity. But the consequence of that will be:

• We will have to see up and then neither of us will be living in a 4 bed house, so the DC will move from one shared bedroom to another every few days, which they will hate
• Huge upheaval for everyone
• Both of us struggling financially so the DC get less of all the other stuff (activities, holidays etc etc)

AIBU to think that we ought to be able to live like that - in different parts of the house - for the benefit of the DC. Or am I being insensitive and is she completely reasonable to say that we'd need to sell up and live in separate (but much much smaller) houses?

It doesn't really matter what you think your ex should do though does it. If the dc dm is unhappy they will see that. That's not good for them either so perhaps dm is putting their needs first just in a different way to you.
A big house and activities isn't what raises mental healthy children. It's what relationships they see around them to help them make sense of how things work.
It is much less likely two ex dp living together successfully 'for the sake of the dc' vs splitting & being in smaller homes and having clear boundaries between exdp will be long term successful in most scenarios. Perhaps your ex believes she may move on more quickly and potentially find a new dp to eventually rebuild a family home with.
I think this. I believe it wouldn't take me too long to find a new dp and therefore it would not bother me to sell fmh as I know in not so distant future I'm likely to meet someone and carry on. I couldn't do that if I was trapped in the exfmh with an ex! People would think I'm lying and still married most likely.
Split, admit it's unlikely you'll even be able to afford to live in that area by the sounds of it and suck it up to that's how things go in a divorce?! Both have less money and less time with dc. You could always take from the break this is likely and see if it's possible to continue the actual relationship though?
You won't be able to force your stbxp to live with you either way.

I considered it for about 5 minutes when exh suggested it.

If we had been amicable it might possibly have worked temporarily eg it would have helped me with work and childcare and the house could easily have been converted. However the strain of day to day living in that kind of arrangement when the relationship had completely broken down would not have been healthy for anyone. Even if I didn't have to see him the knowledge of his presence would have been stressful for me.

Yes we had to sell up and the dc didn't want to leave their home and materially we are less well off but that is the reality of divorce sadly.

I also thought of a small flat week-on week-off arrangement but in the end a clean break with separate homes worked best.

Maybe she wants to move on and make a new life for herself as a single woman. Maybe she wants to be free to meet someone new and not stay as your co habiting ex forever.

It will be very hard to meet anyone new while she continues to house share with you . Most decent women would be very suspicious of such a set up. Is that why you want it - to make sure she can't move on? Sounds quite controlling to me.

If it was that easy to " live together not not together " the more ex couples would be doing it. I think it's odd that you can't see why it's problematic.

I had a very mutual amicable separation from my stbxh a year ago now. The one thing that I've learnt in remaining amicable is that you both have to agree with what's happening. If one of you feels it won't work then it won't. Resentment will build and that's not good for anybody. My h moved very locally into a rental flat and we are just in the process of selling the family home. Surely you don't need a huge house?

I think this only works theoretically in the very short term, it's a rare couple who can make it work longer term. It's also very confusing for the kids, who still are living in a weird atmosphere, where you share a home but aren't together.

New partners do come into it also.

I think you maybe aren't accepting the split as much as you think you are and this is a sub concious way for you to hold on. Where as your partner is seeing the split as final and acting accordingly.

I know a family who did this. It was not at all successful. It was not healthy for either parent, one of the parents started a new relationship and it became very stressful for both parents, it wasn't a particularly healthy child environment for the kids either.

Why not split the house and sell half? Use the proceeds of that to buy another nearby property for your STBX?

That's all really helpful thank you. Yes, I suppose I am being naive. I'm really not controlling. Its definitely not that. We are still good friends that's all, so I thought it might work. But ok, I get it.

So, two new houses /flats, shared bedrooms and DC shifting every few days it is (if it comes to that, as I said, it's only a temporary split for now).

Amicable is a joint enterprise and if one of you would find it emotionally difficult, then it would impact the cohabitating/ co-parenting relationship negatively.

You are not in the same space emotionally as she is and she is clearly saying that continuing to share the same space will have a negative impact on her MH but you aren't listening, instead you've inferring that she's being selfish by not agreeing with you. Your dismissiveness of her feelings and refusal to see the situation from her side, is precisely why you two continuing to live together is a bad idea, for everyone.

I think it could work well if both of you were on board with it. However as one of you will find it really upsetting, it clearly won't work!

Finding a solution when parents split is rarely easy, and although this one sounds neat and straightforward, it would be a disaster if it made one parent feel on edge all the time. You'll need to think again.

isetan that's a bit unfair when I've just said ok I get it...!