Unsure if this was consential (potential trigger)

[mogulfield]

I am unsure if this is the right place to write this, but I have read a few things about rape recently and am a bit concerned.
About 8 years ago I got drunk and went back to a guys house with some mutual friends, I found him funny and liked him (when drunk), so slept with him. I remember it, it was consensual all fine.

I woke up the next morning and didn't find him the least bit charming as I had the night before.
Anyway, I just wanted to get out of there. However, he wanted to have sex. He tried to put his penis in and I said no. He carried on anyway.

I was young at the time with low self esteem so I didn't say no again or try and get him off me. I suppose I felt he was entitled to it as I'd already had sex with him the night before, I was naked, and thought 'what the hell?' Sort of thing. Afterwards he said something along the lines of, I know you said no, are you ok?
Is that rape?

I don't know how I feel about it all now, I think it may have bothered me subconsciously for some time, as when I saw him again through work I felt very angry towards him and couldn't even speak to him (I assumed it was because I was ashamed I went home with him full stop).

But I think this may have affected me.
I guess I'm posting to ask people's opinions anonymously- was it rape?
Has this happened to anyone?
What would you do now if anything?

Consensual, I'm quite nervous!

Sorry but if you said no and he heard you (which he clearly did cause he made reference to it afterward) then yes, it was rape

That was supposed to say if you said no ...(......).... and he did it anyway

It was rape. You said no.

No means no. Having had sex the previous evening didn't give him some kind of rights over your body. No is no. If a no is ignored, it's rape.

I'm so sorry to be so blunt, op, have you anyone in real life you can go through this with?

Thanks for your replies. I have a very understanding DH who I could talk to, I suppose I want to get it straight in my head first.
Has this happened to anyone else?
Should I do anything after all this time?
I thought about maybe writing him a letter to explain.
I feel like police would be a bit strong, or informing his employer (both armed forces so own internal systems for dealing with things like this) would also be a bit much?

Yes it was rape.

You said no and he did it anyway - when his conscience kicked in after he got his end away he even admitted it pretty much.

Just because you've slept with someone before isn't an automatic green light.

I wouldn't do anything re: employment or police.

Police it's very hard to prove and his employment would probably result in your name being dragged through the gutter.

It's a fucking shame a woman can't just be left alone when it is she who was the victim.

I've had too many sexual assaults/rapes but nothing quite like this. Nearly all someone has said 'what he did was awful but' and I just despair then really.

---- and ^ for you.^

In some respects it's a bit of a relief to just talk about it on here. I think I will have a chat with somebody. I think I just need to get in clear in my head- I don't want it to affect me whilst it sinks in if that makes sense?
I will definitely chat to DH about it, I just don't want him to get too upset for me.

noughties police and telling work weren't my preferred options for that very reason! I think I just need to work on me being ok.

The most important thing is to look after you. Whatever action helps you feel better is the right one.

There seems to be a group of men that just don't get it. Their sense of entitlement is so huge, they can't see why not.

Do you still have to see him?

Fortunately not, in fact I can't think of a reason I'd ever see him again.
I just feel quite angry I wasn't more assertive, I have so much more respect for myself now.
I shall speak to someone tomorrow, maybe just email one of the support groups. It would feel a bit melodramatic to call someone.

I've been through the same but I was drugged. I have a thread myself 'was I raped' but some of the responses were so awful ( most helpful) that now I feel more in need of help than ever. I feel like I've been violated again by one of the posters. I've never felt so bad. Be careful who you ask for help

Don't let the odd person who doesn't understand consent or how we often react to traumatic situations put you off.

Consent is an on going battle, with so many people having old, old attitudes.

Don't be angry with yourself for not being assertive. Feel sympathy for your younger self who was out of her depth.

Just because you gave consent on a previous occasion doesn't give him the go ahead too have sex again with you without consent the next time.

I just feel quite angry I wasn't more assertive

Be angry that you very clearly said no, he heard you, and did it anyway.

You did nothing wrong. He raped you.

If you're both in the forces (I might have got that wrong) are there any counselling services you can access? I would definitely try some sort of counselling before you decide what to do next; and I would hope that the forces would take a really dim view of his actions, and support you rather than "drag your name through the mud", as was suggested by a previous poster (but I realise I might be deluding myself and not living in the real world).

Have a chat with Rape Crisis.

IP it's a shame you had those responses, that's awful when all you need is support at a vulnerable time.
I have learnt a lot about consent in the intervening years so am taking the advice and trying not to be too hard on myself.
He is still forces, I left last month. I know they would take it seriously and would certainly investigate but it's his word against mine so not sure it's worth the hassle, especially 8 years on I wonder about how accurate my memory of it is.
I really appreciate the support I've received, it's helped me feel a lot less anxious about the whole thing

rise I still have access to all counselling agencies as a veteran I would have done when I was in, so I think I will give them a call