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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Don't know what to advise friend anymore...

3 replies

JL2017 · 16/07/2017 20:00

I wasn't sure where to post this but wondering if others may have advice on how to handle a tricky situation with a close friend.

One of my close friends is single, she's 38 and as long as I have known her (10 years) has always been single except for a fling lasting about 4 months in the early days that I knew her. When we met I was also single, I'm a few years years younger. We spent a lot of time going out / shopping / hanging out looking for a boyfriend (being truthful!) I met my DH 8 years ago, we now have 2 DCs aged 4 & 2. We are happy, we live in a different city to my friend (nowadays).

Of late almost all of friend's (let's call her Sophie) single friends have married and most now have children (or are trying to!) she is depressed by this because she is looking less likely to have them which I can understand. She makes the most of her single life and is really active and enjoys life in lots of ways but she has never managed to find a partner (short or long term). I don't really know why. She is attractive and clever with a good job but perhaps is searching for perfection or perhaps is far too intense when she meets someone she likes. In the past I have felt really really sorry for her at times (I still do) as I know she is starting to think she will never have kids and will be lonely etc but lately I have found her becoming bitter towards me and others, she's made a couple of snide comments about 'all her friends being no fun anymore' and tbh it's a bit hurtful. I have two young children and I work full time plus I live in a different city, I find it hard to see her as much as I used to and I am guessing her other close friends face similar challenges.

Lately she has made some very bad delicious involving a guy, she has called me frequently during the last few months to ask advice on what to me seems a pointless and hopeless situation (basically he's 'just not that into her') and I have advised her several times I think she would be wise to move on / look elsewhere. She hasn't done that and has now been quite badly hurt by him.

As a friend I feel I should always try to support her and offer a shoulder (which I will) but quite frankly I feel she's been foolish and I am starting to think that she only wants me as a friend to be there for when she is unhappy about a guy. I feel as if my life (family life!) is of no interest and is boring to her and I am wondering if anyone has any advice on how they have tried to handle this sort of thing with a friend in the past. I want to be a kind and supportive friend to her but I am frequently feeling like she's making silly choices and decisions but I don't dare keep telling her because she doesn't seem to take it on board.

Should I try and discuss this with her or just accept that she may keep making what I believe are stupid decisions (she would agree they are too!) and just be a shoulder to cry on each time...?

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 16/07/2017 21:39

Your friend needs a therapist, and you are NOT a therapist. You are just a friend. I would tell her exactly that, and while you wish you could help her, it's clearly not enough for her. Plead with her to get a good counselor.

lasttimeround · 16/07/2017 21:56

Gosh snap aquamarine.
I was reading this and thinking back to a friend who also got snippy when I got married. I nearly backed off entirely but then confronted it gently and asked what's going on why is she behaving like this etc and we had a conversation and I suggested some counselling for help talking through things for her. I've been to lots of counselling. Turned out shed never been and my having been and saying it was useful made it sn option. Almost a decade layer we are still friends. And the counselling helped with some underlying stuff.

JL2017 · 17/07/2017 09:39

Thank you, this is actually good advice! I have had counselling in the past and I think my friend may have years ago (has had some issues with her family which probably don't help this current situation) but yes she does need some help now. I will try and kindly suggest this to her and be a friend rather than therapist! Hit the nail on the head with that as it's exactly how I feel she treats me at times.

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