Age gap relationships

[Companion42]

Does any have experience of a relationship with a large-ish age gap?

I've been with DP for almost 2 years now and there are 20 years between us. The relationship is getting serious - we're talking about living together - and I suppose I'm just wondering about the practicalities of being at different life stages, if you see what I mean?

Don't know if it's relevant or not but I don't want children and I'm particularly bothered about getting married. He has a DD and has been married before

Sorry, that should say NOT particularly bothered about marriage

I'm torn. On the one hand, noone knows what's round the corner and being happy with someone now is important and age is just a number and it could all be loving and fun. On the other hand I can see the older person is more likely to have failing health and you could end up not living your life to the full being a carer.

My dp is 14 years older than me. I wouldn't say that the age gap is a problem but he has a child from a prev relationship and that comes with it's own issues. We do have different interests but wouldn't say that was age related. If anything I'm more sensible etc even though I am the younger one.

I do wonder what will happen when we're older if he dies when I am still young or retires way before me but you never know what might happen so I tend not to dwell.

@Companion42 there's a 20 year gap between me and my dp, I'm in 20's he's In 40's. currently expecting our first child.

I think he worries more than me about what's going to happen In the future, am I still going to love him when he's 70 and I'm 50. But I love him with all my heart and couldn't imagine not being with him, you've just got to live your life as pp said you never know what's round the corner x

There is 22 years between me and my DP and we have just celebrated our five year wedding anniversary. The age gap hasn't been a problem for us as we were at similar life stages when we met (30 and 52).

We are a gay couple so my view is the general 'pool' of potential partners is smaller!

The only issue we have is people often think she's my mother and our DD's grandmother which can be a bit embarrassing, but understandable. The midwife even asked if my 'mum' wanted to wait outside when I was about to give birth.

Age is just a number and what's the alternative? It would be crazy to break up with someone you are in love with just because of an age gap.

my friend is 63 and her partner 38. They seem happy enough. there was an issue for a while around children as he didn't have any and wanted some, whereas she had two adult children and didn't want any more. they seem to have resolved it though i admit it is a big gap..

There is.twenty three years between me and DH! I have had twenty happy years with him.and three children.

We have loads in.common and being an older dad has not been a problem so far. He is just Daddy and does everything that a younger would do. Our youngest child is just three and DH is mid sixties.

I do have moments when I worry about him.dying , but then I think.no.one knows what is around the corner or what the future holds.

When.we first got together we had some negativity, but we are still together nearly twenty one years later. Many of our near same age friend couples have married and divorced.

Go for it if it is what you want.

Someone I knew at 16 got with a guy in his fifties which was a bit... It just didnt sit right with me.

There are 13 years between DH and I and for us day to day it's not an issue. The only sticking point though is children - he already has a DD who is 11 and we have 3year old DTD's. I would have loved (and a part of me still would) another child but DH is resolute that at 50 he is done. We have a happy life and although I'm pleased the whole newborn bit is beyond us it does sometimes make me wish he was more of a similar age to me. The other thing I had never considered previously was retirement. Due to changes in the retirement ages I will retire 15 years after him (despite a 13 year age gap). I'm not too sure how I feel about still working whilst he is at home all day and it's now only 15 years away which seems much more tangible all of a sudden.

There's 24 years between DH and I. It was fine for 15 years, but he's just turned 60 and suddenly he seems really really old. He's talking about retirement, he's developed a few health issues, he's got ED and he's lost all motivation. I'm not sure how long I can cope with him like this ...

My mum's friend is in her 60s, in good health, working and enjoying her grandchildren. Meanwhile her DH is in his 80s with dementia and she is daring for him. Of course that can happen to any couple but it's much more likely with a big age gap.

There's another thread running about this at the moment.

I think it seems fine when you're both "young" - as in, both working and busy raising a family, but as one person reaches retirement, the gap suddenly seems a lot bigger. Are you happy to work for 20 years while he enjoys his retirement on his own? The likelihood of him being capable/keen to travel or go out and do fun things at 85 (by the time you're thinking about retirement) is pretty low, even if he is healthy.

Are you happy to work and care for him, or potentially give up work to care for him if he can no longer look after himself? I know a lot of people will come on and say that if you love someone, you should be willing to do all of that anyway, but I don't know many people who would happily give up their lives at 45/50 and sacrifice 20 years on someone like that.

Caring not daring

Thanks everyone!

Day to day this doesn't really come up at all - I forget he's older if you see what I mean? Luckily no one has had a problem with the age gap either. All friends and family have been great.

It does worry me a bit that he might stop wanting to do things and travel before I do. Im not worried about being a carer per se but I'm not sure I could cope with staying in all the time when im 50 or 60. Though I guess that might change.

Not 20 years, but more than 10.

When we were younger it didn't matter. We both had the same goals - home, family, kids - and same tastes. We enjoyed the same things. Age literally never came up, other than in idle musings about our career plans and retirement ages.

Thing is, as the older one got older they became more... 'old'. Sensible. Didn't enjoy 'frivolous' fun things anymore, didn't enjoy going out or restaurants or days out. No longer wanted to ramble in the hills or even watch movies. They wanted to work and only wanted to converse about pensions or the stock market. Talk turns to retirement and 'oo my aching bones'. Which is a joke really from someone not yet 50 :p

The younger one still wanted to enjoy life; they are not ready to go all pipe-and-slippers. They enjoy travel, days out, exposing the family to new places and experiences. It is not yet, for them, time to retire. Having had children young for the sake of the older one, they are eager to enjoy what is still, frankly, their youth. With their beloved partner in tow. Who doesn't want to leave the house.

That gulf causes rifts now. One adopts the mantle of 'dull', the other of 'infantile', and it feels like there is no common ground. Both have a point. One "already did all that nonsense" as a young 'un, and the other... did not.

At 20 and 35 you might watch the same films, listen to the same music and enjoy the same activities. At 35 and 50 you may not. The gulf widens.

Seems easy at first. Couple o' decades down the line, the cracks do begin to show.

I haven't got personal experience but my mum and dad got together when she was 16 and he was 28 (I was born when she was 17) they were very happy together but I did notice they argued alot about wanting different things as they got older. My dad died at 45 but the gap was showing more and more.