Drinking

[Grooves]

My partner's drinking is starting to get outta hand and I don't know what to do!

When I got with my partner, I knew he drank and wasn't really bothered by it, he would drink all weekend and I wasn't phased but lately (a year on) it's been getting out of hand, he's drinking all week (when it's really bad) and missing important things (picking up his child and work)

He's very easily lead, especially when drunk and currently has a friend that is encouraging his drinking. I do appreciate that my partner should say "no" but when he's drunk, he acts really immature.

His drinking has started to make me really anxious, so much so that I'm spending my weekends crying and not eating. He had a really bad session and I didn't eat for 4 days! He's started to become verbally agressive when drunk and he never used to be like that.

We currently don't live together and when I'm with him, he acts so much better but when I'm away, he just gets drunk and ruins his life.

I dunno what to do! I can't get through to him when he's drunk and he just thinks I'm "whinging", when he's sober, he appreciates that he's been a div, but the cycle repeats itself.

This is a no brainer. You deserve better. He is prioritising alcohol over everything, even his own child. You do not stand a chance. You have spoken to him, he is not getting the message. You need to leave and find somebody whose primary relationship is with you.

You can't change him, only he can make the decision to stop drinking.

Leave and find someone who actually makes you happy.

His argument is "you knew I was a drinker" and I did, it just never took centre stage like it's doing now.

You know the answer, you really do, stop doubting yourself you are right.

I'm in two minds. One is "well I'm not there so why shouldn't he drink, I don't own him"
But then the other is frustrated with him and annoyed at how he acts whilst drunk.

This is the way he is. He's extremely unlikely to change. You need to accept that, and acknowledge that you deserve better, and end the relationship.

Sorry. He sounds like a waste of space really. None who makes you cry all weekend is a good person to have in your life. It's not meant to be this hard. Honestly.

The first is fine if you never envisage a future where you live together, procreate etc. But even then as the drinking is progressing it will probably get worse and start to affect when he is with you.
I think you need to raise your standards here op.

He had an alcohol problem when you met him.
It's worse now.
He doesn't admit there's a problem.
Time to move on.

He admits he has a problem but he does nothing about it.

It's annoying! When he's sober we get on so well, I'll be so in love with him and we just laugh and talk the whole time, but when I'm gone and his influences come out, all that's forgotten and he changes to someone I don't like. He isn't aggressive to me when I'm there, he's a happy drunk but when I'm not and he's speaking to me on the phone he'll scream at me or say "I can't be arsed with her"

I know I don't deserve it. I just feel like I've invested a lot into him. I've basically given him my all, taken a lot from him and to walk away will leave me thinking "what did I get from this"

Hi behaviour is only going to get worse. He is verging on being an alcoholic (if he isn't there already). I doubt you will ever change him I'm afraid.
We all turn a blind eye to certain things in the early stages of relationships but the longer you are together, the more this will be an issue.
to walk away will leave me thinking what did I get from this? you've only been with him for a year. What happens when you've been with him for 5 years and things are even worse. Get out now and don't waste any more years of your life on someone whose priority is alcohol.

I'm not wanting to change him per se, I think I'm wanting him to see the people he has in his life aren't good for him. He's quite ambitious but ruins it by allowing his drinking to get in the way. He's under pressure at work and I think uses drinking to let off steam.

It's only been for the last month or so that his drinking has upset me, it never bothered me and I don't know
what's changed.

I know how hard it is as I am also taking a step back from someone who I think has a drink problem. Sometimes he is the kindest person who will sit up all night talking to me but at other times he's like he can't be bothered and it scares me that he has told me he has passed out whilst looking after his DS whilst drinking.

We both deserve so much more - you could waste years and years on him but until he wants to make a change, then nothing will change.

You're making excuses for him OP. He is a grown man who makes his own choices. Blaming friends and saying he is easily-led is trying to take the blame away from him.
Not sure why you're not eating when he's drinking either - this is not healthy. Look at what this is doing to you!

I have really bad anxiety and I can't eat when I'm anxious.

I know he's a grown man, I know he should say no! I know all this.

I just feel in two minds, like am I in the right to be upset about something he's doing when I'm not there?

Yes you do because that is who he is. He is being abusive to you on the phone too so it is affecting you even when you're not together.
Like I said earlier, this behaviour is likely to get worse over time and will end up being a problem on the days he is with you.
If alcoholism takes a hold of him, he won't be a happy drunk for long. My ex's brother recently died from it so I know what I'm talking about.
My advice would genuinely be to end this relationship. Its not doing your own health any good either by the sounds of it.

He says your whinging. So he doesn't see the problem.
He is verbally abusive. How long before it is more?
His problem with alcohol is escalating and it's affecting you.
FFS don't move in with him.
You aren't responsible for his behaviour or whether he ruins his life or not. You are responsible for your actions. Choose to be treated better. Choose not to have a piss head for a partner. Get out.

He doesn't see a problem as he'll say "im not gunna sit about and do nothing" the worst thing is is that he did, he'd play his games or just chill and now his friend will go round and he'll drink.

I feel that I basically mother him. He knows he's selfish when I'm not there and knows I bring out the better side to him, but I can't be there all the time.

I miss how he used to be, I miss that he didn't drink to this degree. His friend is a heavy drinker and it's what has got my partner drinking more.

Get out now!
I'm 8 years into my relationship and trying to get out of it. He drinks and I can't change it. It's taken me years and two kids later. My advice. GET OUT whilst you can. I had anxiety when he drank, easy get rid of him. Good luck

Alcohol becomes a problem when their main relationship is with the alcohol and not their loved ones; when it's the alcohol they'd rather spend time with or organise their life around.

You need to share your feelings with him on the issue, and if he sees there is a problem and thinks he can change his priorities, you may have a hope (even if it will be a difficult road as promises don't always equal action). If he doesn't even see your perspective or recognise the problem, this relationship may bring you too much pain to be worth it.

The worst thing is is that my mom was an addict and he knows this. She put drink and drugs before my sister and I, which resulted in us being in care and foster homes. He knows all this but will say things like "I'm not as bad as her"

I went out with an alcoholic recently and it was a bloody nightmare. I totally dodged a massive bullet getting out of it.

Beer was the white elephant in the room. He drank every single night. Arrests. More arrests. Etc. I can't think of anything to recommend being with someone who's drink dependent. I started off not really caring but I didn't realise how much he drank and it totally made me a nightmare. Hindsight is a beautiful thing, says me!!

He's an addict. Addicts are horribly selfish.
Get rid, honestly.

He turned up at my house this afternoon. He's basically all "feel sorry for me" "love me"

I'm really pissed off! I don't know how he dares ask for any amount of sympathy when he was the one that got himself into this mess.

tell him to get lost, you deserve someone so much better than him
he wont change ,just get worse and you will be the one he takes it out on
get rid and let him sink/drink into oblivion