Argument over how I speak to him. Could I have some impartial opinions please?

[karigan]

Hi. My DH is currently not speaking to me as part of the fall out from an argument earlier. I genuinely feel he is being unfair but he is so convinced i'm in the wrong that I would really welcome other people's take on it. I'll try and record things as factually as I can to give a balanced view but obviously you're only going to get my pov.

Whilst driving home this morning he asked me if I'd done a couple of things I had said I would do for a company he runs (hobby that turned into a job for him, still a hobby for me) We split the running of the company between three of us; myself, DH and a friend who founded it with us several years ago. The three things that needed doing mostly fell within my remit and so he was completely reasonable in asking me to do it. I had forgotten to do two of the three things- my fault. I am a teacher and it's the final two weeks of term so all the report and assessment tracking software were either due last week or this week coming hence why it slipped my mind. I told him i'd forgotten and told him what progress i'd made with the other bits. He said that I was really annoying him as I kept forgetting things and that if anyone else continually let him down like that (I am pretty forgetful ) he would have replaced them with someone else. I apologised and explained that it'd slipped my mind and that i'd written down a to do list yesterday (when I remembered but when it was too late to do things like 'call the bank' which needs to be done on a weekday) to make sure I didn't forget anything this week coming.
He then went off on sort of a rant at me and I thought that what he was saying was fair (he is incredibly organised and has an excellent memory and I can't think of a single instance of him forgetting to do something he's said said he would) but because he was sort of ranting it was difficult to get a word in edgeways.

This is the bit where it descended into argument. In order to acknowledge he was speaking I was saying things like 'OK' and 'right' at the end of sentences every so often. He then became really irritated and said that I was doing the 'monosyllabic disingenuous thing again' and that when I do that Im not actually engaging in the conversation but am just verbally placating him.because I want the argument to be over. He said it was incredibly insulting to him and that he has told me how much this irritates him (he has) multiple times but that I insist on doing it. (I do continue to do this but it's honestly not deliberate - more of a verbal tic) He says it shows I have basically no respect for him because I don't attempt to change the way I speak or care about what he has to say and am fobbing him off with an equivalent to 'mmm yes dear'

My issue however is that my.other options in conversation are;
To be silent- but he then accuses me of ignoring him or not engaging in the conversation and then gets annoyed.

To actually respond to his points with full sentences (which is obviously the adult/correct decision) HOWEVER! He talks forever to stop talking! I have previously left it and waited for a pause so I can make my point and it took about 5 minutes! If I try and interject into the flow of what is basically a monologue I get accused of rudely interrupting him and failing to let him make his point. I also don't fancy a lifetime of waiting for him to finish speaking for aaaages and never getting my turn to talk.

Does anyone else have a take on it?

Sorry that was in response to Ropsleybunny

RopsleyBunny, she can't, he hasn't dismissed her yet, the guy is a bully.

I work in a school and it's full on madness at this time of year.

Wait for a quiet moment and then explain to him calmly that you just don't have time to do a very stressful job AND do all the work for his business as well.

Then tell him to stick his stupid fucking job right up his pompous arse.

No I don't get paid, neither does the other director. DH has only just taken a wage at the beginning of this year and up until then was also working as a teacher- so he does understand the work/pressure of my job. His view is basically that of Ropsleybunny, that I am considered an excellent teacher by my Headteacher and by colleagues and I think he is frustrated that I don't ever come back home going 'Oh shit I forgot to write my reports/amend my student's risk assessments' and therefore me forgetting is just an indication I consider it less important.
Unfortunately he couldn't hire an assistant. The income the company makes means that he took a salary of roughly half of what he made last year. He sat down and worked out exactly what his contribution to the household bills/spending/rent etc was/needed to be and then took that amount +£100 which meant that our quality of life as a family hasn't altered but he has basically very little money for himself. There simply isn't enough money to hire an assistant. Long term it's the plan that all three directors of the company will have a wage as we expand.

Equally I know the 'right/ok/sorry' is irritating- it's a verbal tic I have- I don't often realise I am doing it until it's pointed out and it gets worse as I get stressed which obviously pushes his buttons as he says 'You're doing it again!' to which I respond 'Sorry!' (I get it, it's annoying but also to a certain extent, self-fulfilling.

I think I do need to be better organised but I would like to be spoken to in a more.... polite/respectful manner.
He feels as though I don't have his back because when I drop the ball on stuff he either ends up having to do it or gets it in the neck from people that it hasn't been done.

He does pretty much 50% household stuff- I feel like we're pretty equal in that.

He sounds like a bit of a dick. I used to go out with a ranty type. I found the only thing that worked was repeating what he said back to him. Like "blah blah blah should have called the bank blah blah blah should have set a reminder on your phone blah blah blah" then you say "I should have set a reminder on my phone". I got so good at it I could do it without listening.

However, after I dumped the bloke, things improved immensely & ive not needed to do it since.

I think you should either dump the bloke or dump the business.

He sounds like hard work. He bullied you to the extent you're worried that your responses irritate him and lead to a patronising monologue. I'd be telling Mr Perfect to get on with everything alone from now on. He has no respect for you at all.

As we expand?

You already have a demanding, very stressful job teaching. You don't need your DH dumping more jobs on to you. If he wants a company, he needs to run it and leave you to do what you do best.

Tell him you can't do both.

I think you might do well to drop the directorship, OP, and safe yourself a lot of hassle. I also am extremely forgetful though, like yourself, seldom where my work is concerned. You do a good job as a teacher, that should be plenty.

I just knew you weren't getting paid. So he expects you to give 100% to a part time job you don't get paid for but what a surprise he does as well as being a ft teacher at a stressful when isn't it not stressful? time of the year.

Is he usually this dense? Honestly if I start dropping balls about my DH doesn't turn the screw and crack the whip, he realises that I'm struggling and helps me because he cares and I'm not some sort of unpaid staff to him.

Sorry your DH doesn't seem to respect you karigan but I'd tell him that you can't do it anymore as obviously you're not up to his standards.

You both sound dismissive of how your own behaviours contribute to your relationship dynamic. His exasperation manifests itself in ranting and you make excuses and withdraw when challenged.

Is he right that you don't regularly forget tasks to do with your job? If so, why is that? Rather than making excuses, either institute measures to counter your forgetfulness or do not take on a responsibility that you don't intend to take seriously (and yes,

You both sound like poor listeners and it doesn't sound like either of you are capable of acknowledging, let alone modifying, your behaviours to improve your dynamic. Have you thought about professional support? This issue won't go away on its own and if you both don't put the effort in now, these behaviours could corrode your relationship.

I could have written this myself. Different scenario, same childish argument. Mines usually because I've forgotten some sort of housework chore.

Are you married to my dh?! Honestly it's just bullying. He can express his disappointment or whatever without making you feel like shut. I went along with it for years, trying to respond to his rants in a way that was acceptable. One day I finally snapped and shouted back (I don't even remember what! ) and dd went into pre school the next day and said that 'mummy yells at daddy' which really sucked! I would put down some clear boundaries (this is what I've been doing, although I still plan to get a divorce) when he's calm...
'I will do my best to help you but please be aware I have a busy full time job and sometimes it is hard.'
'I do not accept being lectured like a child. If it happens I will walk away until you are ready to be respectful'
'I will not respond in any way whilst you are ranting.'
Etc etc.
Be strong and don't let him get in your head. I can hear in your words things he has said to you that you've accepted. You don't have to!
Have a great end of term!!

Has he ever asked you whether you are happy to see that business expanding?
You are saying that for you, it is still a hobby. A hobby isn't the same thing than a job and doesn't require the same level of 'care' if that's the right word. You don't need to be on the ball as much.
How is that going to work if the business grows, yu are required more and more but can't quite do everything because you didn't want a business and yu certainly don't want to be the one running it as an expanding business.

So first i think you need a discussion on where you are going and what is/will be your role. Aka you don't have to take on responsibilities you can't fill because it's too much work/time. Or because you just don't want to. Much too easy for him to ASSUME you will do whatever he asks you to do instead.

Second the way he is talking to you is unacceptable. No way he would talk like this to an employee. He would be wondering WHY said employee had been forgetting and would through any possible issue first (e.g. Workload), not raving and ranting - see point above aboutbthat.

Lastly, I'm not sure what you are supposed to do re the conversation. But actually I would ask HIM in the words you've used in your OP.
If I say nothing, I don't listen. If I say something, I interrupt you. If I making noises showing I'm following, I'm annoying. So what do you want me to do??

Iseta i think I can answer one of your questions.
The OP forgets some of the stuff she is supposed to do because
1- for her it's NOT a job. It's a HOBBY and therefore yes it's not as important.
2- I'm pretty sure she hasnt actually being asked if she was happy to do all the increasing work coming with a business that is expanding (different than a hobby which is ticking along at a much lower level)

Sorry but if he knows you have a stressful job, and you say yourself you often forget things, then its his own stupid fault for giving you important tasks! If this business is important to him, he will ensure things get done himself and not rely on unpaid charity from you.
He talks to you like you are one of his pupils (actually that's probably unfair on teachers) but certainly talks to you like a child. Very patronising.

Simply don't agree to help him in future because, at the end of the day, you are helping him NOT working for him.

If you're anything like me Karigan it's just impossible to remember everything all the time. I think it's because I always have so many balls up in the air between work, homelife, kids, school, birthdays, holidays, finances etc etc. When I'm asked to do things now I ask DH to make sure he reminds me as I am not prepared to take the blame if I forget. I hate being forgetful and I put reminders in my phone etc but miss them sometimes. If he forgets to remind me then we are equally to blame. I see my poor memory as totally out of control and something I need help with - the same way I would need help if I had a broken leg!

I should say though that DH is understanding and never makes me feel rubbish when I do (frequently) forget to do things!

You've obviously got too much on your plate. You need to change how you organise the business so you do less and he does more. If the workload is something you are expected to shoehorn into your actual working day then why can't he take those tasks and shoehorn them into his working day.

If my DH tried to rant at me after I made a mistake when doing him a favour then I would be rude. Very rude indeed. Very much on purpose. If he tried to rant at me in front of the children he'd get double.

"I'll talk to him later about how he reacted. X"

If he acknowledges his behaviour and the way he spoke to you was was rude, wrong, condescending etc and he follows it through with actions (eg he doesn't speak to you like that again) then progress has been made and things have been resolved in an adult and sensible manner.

If you speak to him and he descends into another rant then or you just feels like your head is spinning and you are going round in circles then you probably have to come to the conclusion that he is controlling and manipulative.

hope things get sorted.

if anyone else continually let him down like that (I am pretty forgetful ) he would have replaced them with someone else.
Who else, exactly, would work for him for free and then, when he complains about the standard of their unpaid work (!) allow him to tell them off about their reaction to that complaint?

If he wants work done he should pay someone to do it. The rest of the argument is beside the point.