Don't be tempted to go back. You have done the right thing and I really empathise with how you are feeling.
I am a similar age and was in a similar situation which began almost three years ago. Initially, I , too thought I was fine with a great friendship , and with seeing each other for fun as and when. He was unsure at the start whether he wanted anything more, but we had an amazing connection and were very close and he very definitely suggested many times that over time, things would develop.
However , he ended it twice , saying he wasn't sure and don't think he could commit, even though he maintained regular contact by phone and email.
I went back both times. But there was never an invitation from him to try again. It " just happened " ; we fell into seeing one another again , and although I was happy , and he seemed to be , there was a subtle difference in him and I began to feel I had compromised . Any attempt at discussion from me led to him retreating . I realise now that I began to accept less and less, and to change my style of communication in order to keep things light and casual. I think he was being quite controlling, looking back. I certainly felt all contact was in his terms , even though it was regular and good fun.
He ended it again earlier this year , saying he could not give me what I wanted , even though neither of us had discussed what either of us wanted for many months. I missed him terribly, and eventually decided that perhaps I had been trying to define him and even change him and that I should accept him as he is and enjoy what we had .
I explained this to him , and again we fell into seeing one another. He said how much he had missed me. But although we shared some good times, he was distant and far less affectionate and engaged than previously.
A month ago, he ended it again, saying he felt he was not honouring me and felt bad about himself for spending time with me when he knew I had deeper feelings for him than he ever could for me .
I am now NC. It is very painful and I miss what we used to have . The thing is, when I look back, a lot of that was long gone . I actually feel as though I compromised myself and lost self respect . I wonder if he lost respect for me due to my willingness to accept less than I really wanted.
I definitely gave more than I received. I wouldn't do so again. I have done therapy and am aware of my stuff, but this has really knocked me for six.
It is harder at this age. I have been divorced for many years and never met anyone I felt any connection with until him. I have dc and a career and am materially comfortable and busy . I wouldn't want to live with a man again. But I do want to have a mutually loving, respectful , rewarding and equal partnership.
I would never waste time on a situation like this again. I think holding out hope for so long has made this so much more painful .the rejection is harder.