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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is it normal?

17 replies

dontwantmynewlife000 · 15/07/2017 20:15

To still cry 1 year after unwanted separation? I got the divorce papers today and can't stop. I feel so lost and like a failure. My friends and family think I should be over it by now. I feel low most days.

OP posts:
Want2beme · 15/07/2017 20:26

It is so normal. Ignore anyone who tells you that you should be over it, it's just not true. You're probably still in shock and grieving. Have you spoken to a counsellor? If not, I'd say it'd be a good thing for you to do so. I've been separated for 18 months and just last week I had a wobble and was very surprised by this. You will feel better, but when you're ready to. It's not up to anyone else to dictate how you should feel. Keep coming here to chat.

Getoffthetableplease · 15/07/2017 20:27

Oh my sweet, how can you be over it whilst you're still in the midst of things, don't be so hard on yourself Flowers

User2410 · 15/07/2017 20:31

I still feel horrendous and it's been since January. But divorce has just been mentioned on his part and I've been a mess all week. I'm going to see a councillor next week. Maybe u could give that a go?
Are things amicable between u both?

Original poster
dontwantmynewlife000 · 15/07/2017 20:42

Thank you. You have no idea what this means to me. Friends and family are pushing me to date but I still feel wobbly a lot of the time. My self esteem has hit rock bottom and i wonder whether I will ever be good enough for anyone again.

Trying to be amicable but he is parading his happy new life right in front of me and I just crumble.

Maybe counselling might be an idea.

OP posts:
User2410 · 15/07/2017 20:57

Oh my god I can't begin to explain how much i feel your pain! My ex seems so happy all the time everything is so easy for him. Do u have any DC? I've been on a couple dates which have all been a complete disaster I'm put off and don't even want to think about another man. I'm starting to feel extremely resentful to my ex and literally everyone. I think it's just a phase poss time of the month. I hope that counselling will help my self esteem also. Why did you split?

Justhadmyhaircut · 15/07/2017 21:00

Just remember you may think his new life is fab - but it is missing one fantastic thing - YOU!!
Flowers

Original poster
dontwantmynewlife000 · 15/07/2017 21:09

Ha indeed just Grin. No dc sadly. I'm 34 and crave a family more than anything. Feel so removed from everything.

He had an affair user. I think he lives with her now.

OP posts:
User2410 · 15/07/2017 21:18

Bastard. It's difficult when u know that u deserve better than a weak selfish cheater but still feel the way you do. I have 2 dc so I still have to see him. He cheated on me too, said he wasn't in love anymore. Has been dipping in and out of 'relationships' since. Was unsure whether he wants to give up on the marriage or make it work but in the last month he has gone cold and distant and staying with another woman and has mentioned going for the 2 year separation.
From experience having this happen with dc involved i would try and see the positive in the fact you have gotten out of a relationship with a man who has no respect for you to give u the opportunity to be with someone who will be loyal and committed and then u can have a family. How long had u been together OP?

Original poster
dontwantmynewlife000 · 15/07/2017 21:23

I'm sorry to hear your story Flowers. We were together 15 years. I logically know it's easier without children, although I sometimes wish to have someone to keep going for.

OP posts:
User2410 · 15/07/2017 21:29

That's a long time no wonder you are struggling to detach. What has made you not interested in dating? Would u have forgiven him if given the chance?
I have a friend in a similar situation to you and the councillor she saw really turned around her way of thinking. So get on that first thing monday! I can't reallt afford it but then I can't carry on being miserable forever!

Original poster
dontwantmynewlife000 · 15/07/2017 21:38

I seem to have no confidence. The way I see it is 'If I wasn't good enough for him, how can I be good enough for someone else?' I know this is skewed so will have to work on myself. Like you I want to be happy again!
It's an interesting question whether I would have forgiven. I think I would have tried if he'd shown the right attitude. Whether it would have worked, I don't know.

Thanks for the chat. How long had you been together?

OP posts:
User2410 · 15/07/2017 21:45

I've always said that. The attitude has to be right. We had been together 8 years married for 4.
The problem wasn't with you though op it was with him. His cheating has no reflection on you and what u have to offer as a person. You will meet someone else and sometimes I think it's good to have a good period of time on your own. That's what I'm trying to do. I think it's important to make sure you know your worth before u think about dating anyway, so I hope the friends you have that are encouraging you to date again are reminding you of what u deserve.

Original poster
dontwantmynewlife000 · 15/07/2017 21:55

Logically I know all of this but I am very good at negative self talk and can really convince myself that I am a rubbish and worthless person. Googling counsellors in my area - I really need to address this.

OP posts:
Bubblebath01 · 15/07/2017 21:58

I am 2 yrs on. My life is now on the up. His, on the decline. He realises this, and although I feel no satisfaction, I do feel there is karma. I have been through counselling (very useful in focussing myself), I have been on antidepressants. I have a new career, a new focus (myself), and myself and our DCs are in a stable and happy place. Forget about a new relationship, if it happens it happens, if it doesn't, concertrate on yourself. Would have done anything to "salvage" our relationship, he wasn't interested. Basically karma, it does happen. Forget about him, concertrate on yourself. It will take time, but it will happen. X

User2410 · 15/07/2017 21:59

Oh me too I know exactly what to do and what to think. Sometimes it's hard putting it into practice! I feel like I'm boring my friends and family with my moods and talk of him so it's good to get it off your chest aswell!

Hermonie2016 · 15/07/2017 22:52

I think there are triggers in the process and divorce papers is definitely one major trigger.Once you get through the divorce you will be able to focus on your life.

It is grieving, start a journal and aim to write 3 things that you are grateful for.Its a positive way to change your thought patterms.There are lots of good CBT videos on youtube.

Your ex has proved he's not capable of fidelity, you are fortunate it happened at this stage as you are still young.
He & ow have done you a favour and you will be wiser for your next relationship.

Original poster
dontwantmynewlife000 · 16/07/2017 00:19

Thanks Hermonie. A journal is a good idea. I tend to focus in on the negatives. Reminding myself of the positives around me will be good.

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