Horrible twisted relationship...

[Janos]

Well, I don't even know if it can be dignified with that word.

Bit of background so youdon't all think I'm an awfgul bad mother; I'm seperated from DS's dad and have been for nearly 2 years. DS and my love life are kept completely seperate and that's how it will be until/if I ever meet someone and it becomes serious.

Anyway the story..
essentially I met this man online (yes I know, I can imagine the eyes rolling). To cut a long story short, he pretty much chased me and I was massively flattered - who wouldn't be - and so I agreed to meet.

Well we met, and I kind of fell in lust pretty quick, he was (is) absolutely gorgeous.

So,he tells me that he really likes me, wants to see me...then casually drops in that he has a girlfriend. I'm upset at him for leading me on and tell him to f* off.

3 weeks later he contacted me again, started with all the chasing, said he'd split up from girlfriend and we ended up sleeping together (yes I know, wish I hadn't done it).

Yada yada yada. Anyway, now nearly 4 months on and things seem to be following this miserable pattern; I cut him off, no contact then he wears me down and it all happens again...Why don't I tell him to F off once and for all?

Sorry, not even sure what I'm asking for, maybe just needed to vent.

Anyway,if anyone does have any advice it would be most welcome.

Hi Janos

Well, if my experience is anything to go by, you can be given all the advice in the owrld but unless you really, really want to stop seeing him it won't make the slightest bit of difference. You are going to have to be really strong and stick to your guns on this one, if thats what you really want. It's far easier said than done, i know

So are you sleeping with him, knowing that he is decieving his gf? It is a different story if you are genuinely in love with him and being misled and just behaving stupidly. Either way ditch him, you can do better.
My sympathy lies with his gf tbh.

Has he still got the girlfriend?

Woooah!!

Well I don't think I made clear that he had split up with his girlfriend otherwise absolutely no way would I be seeing him!

Sorry, it's just I've had that done to me and no way would I inflict it on another woman, believe me.

Well if he has split up with his gf what is the problem? Do you not like him, why do you return to him?

Hi Janos - if you like him and you are both single, whats the problem? Is it beacuse initially he cheated?

That's it really Carmenere. TBH I don't think I do like him very much.

Perhaps people will think this sounds odd but in a way I don't feel that I can say no to him. Does that sounds ridiculous?

Well it does a bit. Are you flattered. Low self esteem? Or are you just bored and need a distraction?

You are suffering from low self esteem. You don't like this guy but you think you won't do better because he is handsome, am I right?
Ditch him, you can do better, the absolutely least you deserve in a dp is to like them.
I think your instinct is right btw, he probably is a creep and probably is manipulating you because he senses your low self esteem.

I could of course be wrong.........

I think he had shown what kind of a creep he is, scouring the internet for women when he aleady has a girlfriend. YUK! Dirty man!

Carmenere, yes, I think low self esteem is an issue, much as I don't like to admit it.
I think that is part of the finding it hard to say 'no'.

And you're lonely, of course, and it's difficult in your current situation to just up and find somebody else. No wonder it's tempting to go along with it. I'd agree with your own feelings and what everyone else is saying here, though: if it doesn't make you feel good about yourself it just isn't worth having. You certainly won't hurt his feelings - he'll just chase another. Probably already is. You may be one of a string of flirtations he's carrying on at the same time, while who can prove the girlfriend really is ex? He told you he'd split because you wouldn't sleep with him. Wave magic wand, girlfriend is out of the picture, sorted. No wonder you don't like him very much.

if it doesn't make you feel good about yourself it just isn't worth having

This makes a lot of sense and I think that I just need to cut him off, no contact whatsoever, no response.

I don't like him that much, because the way he's behaved to me (and probably other women too, lets be honest) and I don't want him to drag me down.

Hmmm, seem to have lost my ability to format along with my common sense!

Thanks everyone.

Why not keep casually seeing him, as you have been doing, until the thing that keeps drawing you back to him has faded. There is nothing wrong with what you are doing, specially as you keep it seperate from your child.

Look on him as a distraction and enjoy the attention...you'll go off him soon enough lol

The old sheet-of-paper method mihgt help - draw a line down the middle of a piece of paper and on one side write down all the good things about seeing him, on the other write down all the bad things. Seeing it in black and white can clear the mind.
Having said that, you're not actually doing anything wrong here. You're not responsible for his other relationships (at least, not so responsbile that you have to do more than ask him if he's decieving anyone). And, when one is a single mum, a bunk up now and again with a fit man is a treat like having a whole box of chocs or bottle of gin is a treat, so enjoy him for what he is.

Start actively looking for someone you feel more respect for. Sounds like you deserve better than this compromise. Good Luck!

Hi Janos
Clearly you find this guy attractive and he has something about him that you lust after right? But going by his behaviour he obviously isn't marriage material.

However, as long as you acknowledge that this is probably not the type of man you are going to end up settling down with, keep yourself protected, and continue to keep that side of your life away from your DS I don't see what the problem is.

Embrace this chapter of your life - have a fling and enjoy yourself, enjoy the passion, enjoy being with this gorgeous guy. Why should you feel guilty for having desires. You go girl!

Enjoy it while it lasts, then move on.