Had a strop last night because MIL was being racist - and I have to apologise apparently!

[Moomin]

Went out last night with dh, his best mate and gf to a Thai restaurant. Food was ok but service was the WORST I have ever had! So bad it was almost a joke. We went home and MIL and PIL had been babysitting for us so we told them how crap it was.

As we were talking dh's mate said something that I found very offensive about the restaurant staff which he knew was racist but he was trying to be ironic I suppose (it fell flat because he was drunk and he just sounded like a racist pig). MIL then misses the fact that it was an extremely dodgy "joke" and agrees with him, giving examples of how she believed his statement was right. I was really annoyed and dh told her to shut up as she was digging herself a hole and winding us both up but she carried on, trying to justify her remarks by saying 'Well, it's TRUE! I'm just saying...". When dh told her she was being racist she replied "How can I be when my other daughter-in-law is Indian?" FFS! I stormed off to bed as I thought I was going to explode, leaving dh's mate and MIL looking round saying "Oooh what did we say?"

Dh said MIL was upset but couldn't see what my problem was. There's been no phone call this morning which usually happenss if MIL thinks she's upset me. Dh thinks maybe she's waiting for me to phone to say sorry for "over-reacting". He thinks I was a bit OTT but agrees with the principle. He says we've got to understand that MIL doens't think she's been offensive and it's a generational thing

Tricky. We have this with MIL and GGIL. Have taken the view that if they're entitled to their opinions then so am I. So all you can do is apologise for being upset about it and stick to your guns about why you found it upsetting.

sorry but I agree with your Dh . i think you shoudl try to patch it up without necessarily apologising . you have excused your friend for his racist commenst as being drunk/trying to be ironic but you wont cut your MIL soem slack. your DH is right - there is a generation thing here. I'm not defending racism and think you you SHOULD point that out in a reasoned way. but last night sounds like a bit of a barney with a liitle too much to drink and people "storming off"!! Lets face it , you PIL were doing you and your Dh a favour babysitting and you admit that she wasnt trying to be ofensive

Message withdrawn

If he means that you have to apologise because MIL doesn't think she's been offensive, then I would say he's wrong. It may be a generational thing, but that doesn't excuse it. The fact that she doesn't think it's offensive doesn't mean that it's right and it doesn't mean you have to accept it.

I wouldn't apologise, and I would ask dh to tell his mother why I wasn't apologising. Age is no excuse for racism or rudeness - if your dh were brave enough he could tell her why you were so upset and explain why she was being racist, but it would be a rare man who would say that to his mother!

Sounds like a stupid drunk comment led to stupid conversation. I would try and patch things up but I doubt I would apologise. It appears from your thread that she upsets you a bit and maybe this is just part of her character.

I have similar stuff with my MIL and almost all my inlaws - it used to really upset me but I either make a sarcastic comment or let it go (outnumbered by husbands family).

Do you really care about her opinion anyway?

Maybe it is a "generational thing" in that more people of that age are casually racist behind closed doors like this. Doesn't make it right.

My 89yr old grandmother occasionally makes racist or homophobic remarks and I call her on them, otherwise I'm treating her with less respect than I would a 5 year old in terms of being an intelligent human being who can see that she's being offensive if the situation is explained.

Are you able to have that sort of conversation with her - ie, you're sorry you went off on one but it upsets you to hear someone you love saying that sort of ignorant thing?

"usually happenss if MIL thinks she's upset me" - sounds like your relationship is rocky at the best of times? Do you ever ring her if you think you've upset her?

I wasn't excusing dh's mate by the way - I forgot to say that I thought he was being crass and not funny. After I went to bed he bugged dh about it for ages ("Was it me that upset her then?" cross-eyed and not listening anyway).

I've got a good relationship with MIL and PIl on the whole. MIL really does have a heart of gold and hates to think she's upset anyone. Dh and I always say they should have had her as a character witness for Harold Shipman because she's have said 'Oh I expect he was just having a bad day'. I'm seeing her tomorrow anyway and I'm pretty sure we'll be able to bring it up. If I apologise for being stroppy (but not being offended) and I explain exactly why her remarks would be seen by most people as being racist it might be better for all of us. However, she does read the Daily Mail and I've heard her talking with her friends about 'not being able to say anything these days - the world's gone politically-correct mad'.

and no, we don't argue or disagree often; she'll apologise for nothing most of the time, e.g. "I hope you didn't think I was being rude when I couldn't stop to talk the other day but my head was on fire" - that sprt of thing. Bless her

It may blow over. Speak from experience with my Mil but if it there is an atmosphere then I just firmly but neutrally say, "Don't want to fall out but I don't like xyz comments."
Had to tell Mil several times that she may not use "(N-word) lips" referring to chocolate-covered marshmallows. Had serious talk with the children about it too. Generational or not, it's appalling. She thinks there's nothing wrong with it though she'd vehemently deny being racist and tbh she never showed any signs before. Doesn't see the disconnect.

I can understand why you reacted the way you did, and I think your idea about explaining why you were upset is a good one - it's more likely to help her see why her remarks were offensive than just a straight apology. Although if she reads the Daily Mail she may be beyond help in that regard, sadly. Awful rag: wouldn't use it to wipe my arse.

I often rant about the DM when I'm round there and she just say 'ooh I know, you're probably right but I like the sudoku and the crossword'.

At MIL's friend's house one day I heard them discussing some boots the friend wanted. She said 'I want them a dark brown - do you know what I mean when I say n*-brown?' OMG I couldn't even speak. I could see MIL was nervous in case I kicked off but I really was at a loss for words.

You have my sympathies. It's about the only thing my parents and I have argued about since I have been an adult.

They are lovely people but HORRENDOUSLY racist, and really can't see why what they are saying is wrong. DW and I have been "brainwashed", apparently.

No solution but you do have my sympathy. I have posted a few times about stuff my boss has said at work, which I have been unable to find a solution to. What is most depressing is that my bosses (husb and wife) simply haven't a clue what I was going on about. They have a foggy feeling that something was wrong with what he said but now check all sorts of random things with me - 'is this acceptable cf?' i suppose it's a step forward but FFS yes you can mention the word Easter, yes you can charge fees for the work you do, it's DIFFERENT FROM USING THE WORD 'N*' IN A FRIGGING STAFF MEETING.

sorry, off on one again. Must be the brainwashing, I think mine has slipped a bit