Friend accused me of trying it on with her boyfriend..

[subcatty]

I'm feeling really shitty and hurt right now and still she hasn't spoken to me days after this happened. I am really not a confrontational person so I've just left her to it so far.

Basically - on a night out, I was chatting to her DP in a completely innocent manner, we were laughing/joking, we get on well and have met several times before. I actually lived with them briefly too. She has never had a problem with this or us getting on well before. But a friend of hers (who I don't know) pointed us talking out to her and said it looked inappropriate, it looked like flirting, my body language was 'flirtatious' allegedly. I don't think it was. I think it may be relevant that I don't often dress up but I had made an effort with my hair and make-up and was wearing a tight dress, I looked really nice - I guess when I normally spent time with them I'm in jeans/leggings, hair tied up, glasses on. This is the only thing I can think of why it suddenly looks inappropriate or is upsetting to her that I was speaking to her DP. Another of her friends earlier in the night had been giving me fairly filthy looks while her boyfriend spoke to me too. So I can only imagine they all thought badly of me. Which is upsetting in its own way but whatever.

Anyway friend went off on one at me, wtf do I think I'm doing, all this shit. I got pretty upset at the time and her friend ended up intervening, apologising and saying she'd clearly got the wrong end of the stick. We made up somewhat, but at the end of the night as we were leaving, I was saying something obviously innocuous to her DP and she appeared and said 'oh you'd rather be with her, whatever' and stormed off again. Obviously alcohol affected everyone and things were heated because of that, but still. So that's the last thing I heard from her.

I'm really hurt firstly that she'd speak to me like that, that she'd think I would ever do that, and that she hasn't apologised afterwards. I genuinely did not do anything wrong, yet I feel guilty like I should say something to her first. I don't know what to do, I really value her as a friend and she's been so good to me in the past, incredibly kind and generous so this is all fairly out of character (though she's not a person you want to get on the wrong side of). And we are supposed to be holidaying together in a few months. So I'm torn whether to text her. I haven't heard from her which I did expect to, but she's busy and might not even see this as a big deal. What to do? :(

It was almost definitely the booze.

But she totally needs to apologise and promise not to do it ever again.

She is insecure and is taking it out on you. You haven't done anything wrong, it's her problem - not yours. Leave her to it, don't chase her and let her come round in her own time. But make sure she apologises to you.

Wait for her to apologise for her shitty behaviour.

Don't apologise. She clearly has trust issues (and who knows if he's fucked about and put those issues in place) but you weren't in the wrong. Don't text, don't call, don't whatsapp and for goodness sake don't go on Facebook for the next week or so. Let the Sunday-horror hit her (I get it sometimes when I've drunk too much, and that's without being an utter twat to my friends) and let her say sorry. Then keep her at arms length for a while. She's insecure at the best and an utter twat at worst.

May be she hates her boyfriend talking to other women or he's the flirtatious one. She maybe trying to blame others - you in this instance - for his actions or to give her feelings of jealousy substance. I'm sure it's jealousy bought on by alcohol and friends stirring

Two options.
Ignore and let her come round or you text her saying that you don't flirt with other people's boyfriends and that you are really hurt that she thinks you would do that.
It's up to you. I'd text because I like things sorted and hate leaving stuff but that's me and not necessarily what should be done.

She's been a drunken twat and owes you an apology. I'd leave it until she makes contact but can understand you might want to be the bigger person.

Glad everyone thinks I should leave it. Wasn't sure if I was being a bit of a diva wanting an apology.. and Silverdream, normally I'm exactly the same, honestly I'm a bit of a pushover and would rather things be sorted, so can sometimes tend to let people get away with shit behaviour for the sake of the friendship/relationship whatever.

I think it was friends stirring tbh, I doubt she'd have gone off like that if her friend hadn't said something. She said on the night they are just protective of her (code for wary of me I think) and don't know me very well so wouldn't understand that I'm not the kind of person to pounce on someone's boyfriend but still that doesn't excuse her own behaviour, surely if she knows that she'd just say that to them. It's not great. And the alcohol was of course the biggest factor.

If you hadn't said that she's not someone to get on the wrong side of, I'd say maybe there's shit going on with her boyfriend and you were caught in the crossfire - and for a genuine apology and no repeat, I'd forgive.

But no - anyone that you have to keep on the right side of sounds like a hard work bitch, frankly.

You need to work out what you're going to do about this holiday tho, if you've paid or booked anything yet.

Whether she apologises or not, going on holiday with them after this would be a bad idea.

Recently a friend of mine tried to crack onto my boyfriend and I dropped her like hot shit. Doesn't matter what she texts to me I won't ever reply.

Not long ago she was in an accident, broke her neck apparently. Thought that killed you! I ignored her call, text and email.

As you've done nothing wrong I would wait for her to contact you. Don't give her the upper hand.

I suspect she's just jealous that you looked gorgeous.

If she's important to you, I'd probably extend the olive branch. She may be embarassed or not sure how you now feel. The longer it stays silent, the harder it is to fix. Just text her and say you alright? You know it was all bs the other night right? Fancy a drink or whatever?

And then put it behind you.

Her friend took a dislike to you, possibly jealous. Might also fancy her boyfriend. Planted the seed in her drunk head.

It does sound like you were spending an awful lot of the evening talking to him 1 on 1. I know someone who does this with other people's husbands/partners and no one bats an eyelid until she does it to theirs. But she is quite bad with it - i.e. Will ask the wife to move so she can sit next to the husband, will try to split the husband off from the group so she can chat to him 1 on 1 for hours. It causes all hell to break loose.

I'd always be mindful of a wife/gf's feelings when talking to a man in a relationship and probably wouldn't spend hours and hours talking to him 1 on 1, would chat for a bit 1 on 1 but then would try to include others in the convo, or at least not exclude them.

It's not clear from your post if you were monopolising him a bit or not.

I wouldn't go on that holiday for anything.

Maybe her and her DP have had trust issues and this is how it's manifesting itself ?

Having said that - perhaps you do become flirty when drinking? I DP apparently but I don't even realise / am not trying to.

However, I wouldn't expect a nasty response if she knows you. I'd like to think in a similar sitsuation and I was your friend I would take you aside and say something like 'Sorry Anna just wanted to chat. I felt a little uncomfortable earlier as you seemed to be flirting with Mark. You weren't meaning to? OK. You just know how easy it is to misinterpret signals. Sorry I brought it up. Another Mojito?'

But we know how things go when booze is involved.

I do even, not DP

How much of the evening did you spend talking 1-1 with her boyfriend? If she had already spoken to you earlier, enough to cause upset, then at the end she had to come looking for him, and there he is again with you, maybe something is setting her spidey senses off? People on here keep being told that we have them for a reason and listen to them? And you'd made extra effort with your appearance.........

I've been in this exact position, apparently it came from her boyfriend, but I can only speculate if that was the case or it was actually from her or another friend. It hurt so much as she was a friend I'd held dear to me, despite realising that she had issues with insecurity and control, and that our friendship itself was repeating an unhealthy pattern in my own upbringing which I've since spent hundreds of pounds of psychotherapy unpicking. I think we would all benefit from that but in summary I was more of a follower - since she had been away and come back I'd changed and this was no longer the case, and I did wonder if this was actually the issue. I'd already made a huge effort cooking dinner for them at my home a few nights before, and had seen her face when he made a comment about one of my photos on my wall, she looked pissed off and I wonder if the seed was sown then.
Anyway so this night we sat at a dinner table and her sister was between me and her boyfriend, but her sister had to rush back to work, so we ended up talking a lot. I was also talking to the girls on my other side. Apparently I tapped his hand to get his attention, which is a no go?! Had it been his cock I might have agreed, but I essentially trust the man I am with and my friends and myself. In her mind this was a definate no go. I have thought about it though and perhaps tapping him on the hand was wrong? Not in my circles but I accept there are more conservative people out there.
When I went to leave I was chatting with the girls she was friends with and I had booked a cab, I hugged her goodbye as she was going back to another country soon after. I got in the cab and thought, crap I forgot to say goodbye to him, and I didn;t want to seem rude plus to be honest I'm used to her making an issue about things and didn't want anything to happen about it. So I jumped out of the taxi and said goodbye to him and hugged him and said they were both always welcome, and to have a safe journey home.
Then I got this angry email from her, and her mother endorsing her. Not withstanding the fact that I had worked at the BBC sitting next to a good friend of a woman her father had been seeing outside of his marriage, and knew this, so I took her mothers response with a pinch of salt. I knew this, he knew this, she knew this but I never said anything, however it did occur to me that her mother might take this opportunity to want me out of the way and along with it this truth.

Not withstanding my father had died three weeks before and I'd found him, so I was shocked and to be honest betrayed by her response about my behaviour. I took the time to really think about this and speak to a counsellor about it, and speak to others present but no one seemed to think I'd done anything wrong. They even alluded to how insecure she can be. I decided not to maintain the friendship or be their bridesmaid, she at one point got back in touch insisting I apologise but I literally could not apologise for something I truly feel I didn'd do. The young woman she used to knew years ago, might have to maintain her friendship, but not this woman I have worked very hard to build. Not to say I cannot be wrong or apologise, we are all flawed, but where we feel we have done something wrong.

Years later I did reach at christmas one year, I am someone who does not hold grudges perse, I'm just keen to keep myself mentally safe from unjust accusations. I began to realise she was probably just very insecure indeed, and honestly I have apologised to all I have wronged and accepted apologies and extended forgiveness to every one who had wronged me. She wasn't interested and intends to continue with her narrative, even posting a nasty post on her facebook page. That told me all I needed to know, bitter unpleasant people are not my kind of people anyway. I only wish them health and happiness. I am living my life and have honestly never been happier.

So to you I say, really think about what you did, Speak to others and really hash out the event, and go with what is true now what is accused of you necessarily. Really look within and be brave enough to accept when you are wrong. However if in your heart of hearts you know you have done nothing wrong, don't apologise for the sake of a friendship. It's a dangerous precident. It won't end well, it will keep happening. You can say you are sorry if you made her feel uncomfortable if you wanted , which is what I did but it wasn't enough. She wanted someone to blame, she wanted to feel better. Maybe her boyfriend is a horrible controlling man, and maybe her mother played a part? You can't control others only yourself.
In your case maybe you did something wrong or maybe her friend is pretty vindictive. These people are not good to be around. Sending you love and healing.

My money is on you did nothing wrong btw x

ZOMBIE!!!!!!

@giao

ZOMBIE!!!!!!

That explains the lack of "where are you where you can have a night out? " replies.