Is it over?

[user1488397844]

Hi first time posting so please excuse any mistakes! I have been with my partner for 12 years & we have one child aged 5. Partner works away for 2 weeks at a time & home for weekend then away for another 2 weeks meaning I do almost every thing related to home/childcare and I also work full time. This is all fine we have a good routine going and other than not being able to leave the house at night once child is in bed we are happy enough. However, when partner is home he does literally nothing without being asked. He does not drive therefore cannot do drop off/pick up from childcare meaning I am still responsible for this. He does no cooking/cleaning/shopping unless I specifically ask which then leads to tension as he thinks this is his time off & he should just relax. He also arranges outings for himself with no warning ie "I'm going to football on Saturday" therefore expecting I will look after child. The main issue is communication I almost feel like I am walking on eggshells around him, we never argue which I actually think is part of the problem, we just dont speak for hours/days and honestly sometimes when he leaves it is a relief. We just cant seem to go more than 2/3 days without some sort of issue. I think this is due to my resentment of his responsibility free life at work, he literally does whatever he likes while I am at home keeping everything going! I do love him but I am not sure how we can get past this. He does not appreciate anything I do for him and we never go out together. I feel I am there to stay in & eat with and his friends are for fun. The not driving is a big thing for me as I'm expected to ferry us all around to activities every weekend and honestly I really resent it, he says its his time off but when is mine? I should also add I am no angel, I go in moods over very minor things which I think is due to my resentment deep down so sometimes he cant do anything right. Sorry for going on so long I'm just really desperate for advice. Thanks for reading.

Why do you refer to him as your partner when he is anything but!?
Sounds like resentment is such you would be happier if he didn't come back at all.
And I don't blame you - useless arse is a better description. .

It doesn't sound like a relationship more of a house share for him.You work yet he does nothing on his time off??

Resentment will kill off your relationship unless issues get cleared up.

Is he open to a discussion about the relationship? The not arguing is an issue as anger just builds and couples act in passive aggressive ways.m which is highly destructive.

If he won't talk then you can't fix it, something I finally realised in my marriage.At some level this works for him as he has complete freedom and hotel services whilst away or home.

You can only suggest talking but if communication avoidance is deeply ingrained it will need an expert counsellor to coach.

I would be pessimistic about a positive change however as he seems very content with his life and why would he change?

I guess you have to ask yourself if you will tolerate this for another 30 years?

Thanks for the replies. I think the not talking is a huge issue for us both, I am inclined to just to let things blow over rather than confront them but obviously it causes resentment to build up. I just cant see a way past it at the moment and I fully expect he feels the same. Before having our child he was my absolute world and I was just so happy to be with him, although he definitely wasn't perfect. I now have no desire to please him and as we never socialise I don't really have anything to say to him either. I'm only 30 and it's so depressing to see my friends in happy loving relationships when my partner doesn't even want to talk to me most nights. How did we get here? I'm so sad its affecting my whole life.

If it's hard to talk, have you considered writing him a letter saying how you feel and possibly your fear that your marriage is in danger of not surviving because, you don't want to continue feeling this way.

Whatever you say or write, try not to be too negative and place all the blame on him and even if it's how you feel feel.

Start off with some positive, then the negatives will be better received.

If your talk or letter starts off with how he's so awful, he will immediately become defensive or counter attack, because I'm sure you've got some faults too and it will result in a slanging match

Thank you Sandy I really appreciate you taking the time to respond. I have actually previously written a letter & it was never acknowledged. It was definitely read but nothing ever came of it which I found really strange and it made me feel a bit stupid if I'm honest so I didn't want to bring it up again. I think I was far more positive in it than I should have been and perhaps the message didn't hit home enough.

If he's away with work then he gets every night he's away but not working to himself! THAT is his time off! He's a parent! He needs to grow up

I'm not surprised he didn't respond..why should he change since it works for him?

Change means giving up all the control he has, taking on my chores and at times focussing on your needs.Not attractive option for someone self centred.

You are only 30, if you didn't have a child you wouldn't be there.I think you have to decide if you will give an ultimatum.Go to counselling and for the relationship to get more balanced or separate.

I think he's unlikely to change as he seems pretty selfish.

Your welcome.

At the moment he's not feeling any repercussions for his behaviour though.

When my DC were younger, I found that when I wanted to go out, I had to check my DHs availability to look after them.

Whereas he would just go out and assume it was fine. I actually recall this very topic coming up on Loose Women and the panel all said the same thing.

My solution was to plan in advance and tell him what date I'd planned to go out and he needed to be in.

At the end of the day, the kids have two parents and why should all the childcare be lumbered on one parent.

Unless you stand firm up nothing will change. If you split up, he'd have them during his visitation.... Is that what he wants?

My protest once was when my DH never took leave during school holidays and I did all the time. In the end, I told him if he didn't take time off, then I wouldn't be coming on the family holiday that was booked... So he could take the DC alone and that would be a holiday enough for me.

Guess what... He took the half time off and looked after them.

Whatever you say, be prepared to follow through with it. I was absolutely prepared to and he knew it.

Kick him into touch. The only differences you'll notice will be positive ones.