If I didn't actually say 'no' or 'stop'...

[BeauxReves]

I really need some more help to make sense of things please. I was recently raped and for some probably stupid reason I reported. I'm now terrified of what happens next.

In my interview I didn't say everything - there were things that happened that I couldn't talk about. Just too hard. The police are aware of this. I'm wondering if I should find the strength to try and tell the police but I don't want to look stupid or like I'm making a fuss about nothing as it might not be an offence because I never actually said no or stop. Maybe I didn't try hard enough or make it clear enough I didn't want him to do it.

Does anyone know if trying to push someone's hands off you is enough? I tried over and over but he was so much stronger than me it made no difference. He just carried on. Eventually I stopped trying because it made no difference. But I never actually told him to stop. I couldn't make the words come out my mouth.

So maybe he didn't realise? Or maybe he did but I didn't say stop so it was ok for him to carry on? I just don't want to tell them for them to just dismiss it. I already feel very 'exposed' and not sure I can cope with being dismissed again....(already had to make a complaint about police response)

Thank you for reading

It was rape because you physically put up resistance. Just like shutting your legs, trying to run, shoving the chest is resistance.

Would it be enough or conviction? I don't know - it's for the cPS to decide.

Would it help to write it down and show the police if you can't say the words?

Really feel for you OP.

I'm so sorry you're going through this OP

The legal rule of thumb is not 'did you say no' or 'did you physically resist' - it is *'did you say YES'! Or did you in some other way overtly, clearly indicate to him that you wished to have sex with him.

So if you did not say YES and you didn't very clearly actively want to have sex with him, you were raped. Given you also tried to resist it is clear cut.

Convincing the CPS that there is a reasonable chance of successful prosecution is another thing, though. Which enrages me, as there are plenty of other crimes which are essentially one word against another, but they don't get dropped anywhere near as often sadly. You're incredibly brave and strong to report this. Don't be so hard on yourself, you are doing the right thing and it is a hard, hard thing to deal with even without the police and their incompetent response.

Thank you for your reply. That's a good idea. Maybe I will be able to do that. Still scared I will be dismissed again though....

Thank you Roomba. I just wish I could make it all go away.

Sweetheart we never know what we'll do in a situation like that xxx I've worked with loads of rape victims. And people get why you can't make the words come out of your mouth xxxx are you seeing a support worker to talk it through? I'd want to see you every week xxx

I get a phone call from a rape crisis counsellor every 2/3 weeks but it's not really enough tbh. But I don't know where else to go for help. I can't afford private counselling and I don't know how to make it better by myself

Does anyone know if the police will tell me what offences they want to talk to him about?

You could speak to your GP and ask for counselling on the NHS, or speak to Rape Crisis and ask for more, or face-to-face counselling.

Not being able to make the words come out is a common thing. You've heard of the "fight or flight" response? Well, "freeze" is also one of those common things. It's really common reaction to horrible events like rape and abuse, and the police and everyone involved in rape cases will understand why you behaved as you did. You DID try to push him away, you DID. And that's a really clear indication that you were not giving consent.

If you wanted to contact the police and tell them you want to add to your statement, I bet they'd listen. If you can't say the words, you could perhaps write something out and take it along. It wouldn't have to be written up like an essay: bullet-points would be good. Brief and to the point. (And heartbreaking. You poor darling.)

Try to remember that the police and everyone around them will be there to support you, and they want to make this whole process easier for you.

I do hope you're ok.

The way consent works is that giving consent is a clear yes from somebody in a position to consent. It doesn't have to be 'Yes you can sleep with me', but includes clearly enjoying the moment, reciprocating etc etc.

Lack of 'no' does not equal a yes.

Maybe see if the rape crisis centre can refer you to some extra support. You may also find that there are smaller local organisations who support women in these situations (I can think of 2 close to me that only work in our local towns).

Thank you.

I'm just scared the police will tell me that I didn't try hard enough to stop him or that I wasn't clear enough so it was just a misunderstanding and that I will feel stupid all over again.

You did all you can to stop him.

The police will know that. There's always a chance they might say there's not enough evidence to go ahead with a prosecution: but if they do, that's no judgement on you at all, and they'll probably feel they've let you down if that happens.

And I don't think you've done anything to feel stupid about. You've reported the rape, you've told the police all you can. That's brilliant. Please try to stop being so hard on yourself. You've been so brave. Be proud of yourself, and treat yourself kindly.

Thank you, I'll try

"lack of no does not equal yes.."

Rape-Sexual offences Act 2003 section 1

A person (A) commits an offence if-

(a) he intentionally penetrates the vagina, anus or mouth of another person (B) with his penis,
(b) B does not consent to the penetration, and
(c) A does not reasonably believe that B consents

As one might expect, the issue of consent is often the most difficult part to prove.

As a good start, section 74 says.." a person consents if he or she agrees by choice and has the freedom and capacity to make that choice"

Now then,i would counsel any man to special attention to the bit about "capacity",i.e if the woman is lashed,full of red wine/prosecco or other noxious substance,,dont touch her with a barge pole no matter how keen she is.

Wish i could edit post..so the fact that you offered some resistance could be suggestive that he did not reasonably believe you consented i.e you were raped as you believe.

Moving on, as you firmly believe that to be so,you report to police,it is then for them to make enquiries and it may be that they eleict further supporting evidence for your claim.

They will then run it by the CPS. They will decide if there is a good chance of a prosecution.

CPS it appears are brining more rape claims to courts. The bottom line is that those cases are often settled in the jury debating room.

Your poor love

I don't have experience of the legal process with this, though I wanted to say well done for reporting the rape.

And though it's different, I wanted to share that when I was mugged, I whimpered really quietly "please don't hurt me". I thought I'd scream, you know? If you asked me before. Your brain makes the decision. You're in shock. Pushing him off was more than enough for him to know that you were saying NO.

Thank you everyone. I guess there's no way he could not have known. I just have to come to accept it for what it is and not try to make excuses anymore