What do I tell my son?

[Handmethegin]

Long story short DH has had anxiety and depression for years. I've supported him throughout. Major breakdown at Christmas (so not good timing) and a few months of wobbly meds and terrifying side effects. He's now steady on new meds but they aren't as strong so we are still struggling a bit.
He's been doing really well, came to our son's birthday party last weekend, happily accepted an invite to my step-dad's 65th birthday tomorrow, was all moving in the right direction.

This evening however he has been irritable and snappy with me and our son. Has just informed me he's sleeping on the sofa now because he's sick of me bitching. He's going to see his family tomorrow instead of going to my step-dad's party because he can't be arsed. He says he is bored with life and there's no point him getting better for zero sex and a greasy haired wife (ouch! I don't have time to wash it every day I work I have a child who I look after single handed I do all the cooking shopping and housework and have cared for him for the last 8 months too).

So it seems he's detaching from us again. I just don't know what to tell my boy tomorrow when daddy is distant and then doesn't come with us but leaves instead. I don't want to bitch about my DH to my son nor do I want to lie but the truth of "daddy can't be arsed and is bored of us" seems a bit harsh for a 6 year old.
What the hell am I supposed to do?

Tell him dad isn't well and can't be with you. I agree you don't want to bitch but saying he's unwell should hopefully be a middle ground? Sorry you're going through this

"daddy is tired and ill. It's making him feel angry and like he needs to go be by himself. He'll be ok, he just needs to rest."

You don't need to go into detail. Be factual but don't over explain or try to "get ahead" of any questions.

I'm so sorry he's being like this towards you. I hope you are able to access counselling? Caring for a mentally ill partner is very difficult.

Yes I have told him from the Christmas breakdown that daddy has a thinking illness. If he naffs off on his motorbike for a two hour drive to see his parents he doesn't look too ill though...

stamp that's a good approach thanks

Tell him the true and explsin that the daddy is ill but he is doing his best to recovery. Maybe not even comperable but my husband had diabetist and the kids (age 9 and 7) are aware that the daddy is ill, and sometimes very nervous or behaving strange when his sugar is down. "Even my littlr one will say: this is because daddy is a little sick".

Good advice @thestamp

If possible make sure you children know dad loves them etc but is poorly - in my experience all children need is love, attention and affection. So say dad is poorly but loves them.

Good luck OP. You deserve happiness too remember x

If he is sick treat him like a sick person. Ifvhe is taking, LTB

I'd give serious consideration to ending the relationship, it is nt healthy for your son to see his father behave like this, i

like autumrose I had a depressed parent, in my case my mother. Her depression caused me and my siblings serious emotional damage

I have suffered from depression since puberty but can't say I've ever felt the need to speak to someone I care about like that. It seems he's more detached and feeling trapped than actually depressed.

It must be really difficult to live with for you both.

Is his behaviour a new thing? Because honestly if he was anything like this before depression I wouldn't be willing to wait around.

What about your and your sons mental health?

I also had a depressed parent who's behaviour was very damaging. My mum tried for years to support him, despite being left with sole responsibility for everything, suffering verbal abuse & never knowing what his behaviour would be like.

From 8 keeping dad happy became the focus of my life. I remember every week when I got my pocket money I'd run out and spend it on sweets for him (small town). A couple of years later I admitted to my mum I was terrified of coming home if it was just dad there as I was worried he'd have hung himself.

That was the day mum ended the marriage. Dad got help, having nothing left to blame and eventually recovered. He was a very different person after. One of the hardest things for him to live with is the impact of his behaviour on those he loved. My sibling is NC with him.

I know everyone is different & this is just my experience. I just wanted to share it because I know there's a belief you should stand by your partner during illness but there are some illnesses that are damaging to everyone around him. You can't sacrifice your mental health & your son's childhood to support him.

Thanks all. He's a lovely kind man and we have many happy years behind us. It's definitely just his mental illness. He has improved a lot recently which is why last night was upsetting. He's feeling more positive today so fingers crossed...

Depression does not make you verbally abuse your family. It might make you a bit grumpy or even snappy but it doesn't make you act like a twat

Gina you're right in fact he's apologised for that this morning and said he was out of order, lashed out because he felt so irritable and didn't mean it. 👍🏻

I'm glad he's apologised op.