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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

One week to wedding. Actively disliking MiL. Sounding Board needed ...

9 replies

FannytheW0nderDog · 14/07/2017 23:56

Love the man not his mother though ... Long time lurker, first time post, so here goes. I'm 45 years old, DHTB is similar age. We've been together almost 15 years, have three children from previous relationships. We've stuck together through good times and bad. He's been my rock and I love him more than any man. He is great for me but there's one downside ... It's his mother. I really can't stand her. I find her superficial, judgemental, gossipy and manipulative. To give you a flavour this evening she dropped a clanger (it was quite deliberate IMO) about the parentage of one of his cousins who will be there at the wedding! This isn't mere conjecture this is a family secret that she's kept hidden for decades!! Why she felt the need to drop this bombshell now I have no idea. She was quite judgemental about the two women in question (mother and daughter). Maybe I'm blowing this out of all proportion but I went from not being particularly fond of her to full on disliking her and now worrying about what this means for our future happiness together. My OH is her only child. She is very emotionally dependent on him as she is a widow and he is a loving and caring son who generally will not say a bad word about his mother. We spend every summer holiday and every Christmas with her! I don't want to tell my HTB that I dislike his mother but is this going to impact on my marriage? Thinking logically, he's the man I love but I am marrying into her family too. Not looking for solutions per se but just wanting to hear your MN thoughts (and yes it has crossed my mind that maybe I am the queen bitch in this scenario!).

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 15/07/2017 00:14

I think I'm right by believing that the clanger was just a way to try and get all of the attention focused on her. She's insecure and jealous, and that's her problem. Don't make it yours. You've already been dealing with her for a very long time, so just carry on as usual. In the future, why don't you send your husband to visit her and you can stay home or take your own holiday somewhere else. Time apart is good for any relationship, with the added bonus of not having to deal with your MIL. Best wishes to you in your marriage!

Aquamarine1029 · 15/07/2017 00:17

Don't tell your husband you dislike her, but at the same time, if she does do something outrageous in the future, try to have as calm a talk as possible with him. Letting him know his mother has hurt you is not unreasonable.

Gemini69 · 15/07/2017 00:41

Congratulations on your soon to be nuptials ... you've been together for 15 years... his Mother has been around for those 15 years Lady.... what will actually change on your marriage ... she sounds like a fruit... but she always was right.... don't let her ruin your lovely day x

another20 · 15/07/2017 00:58

Dont make it your fight -- step back and look around - many others will be seeing what you see.

TestTubeTeen · 15/07/2017 01:09

How have you been together 15 years and he has no inkling about how you feel about her?

Not sure why you are so affected about the information about the cousin. Though I can see that her judgmental approach makes her unpleasant .

You really do have to discuss the 'every summer holiday ' thing. And as there are cousins , she must have siblings, so not she's not alone.

Beelzebop · 15/07/2017 01:56

OP, I am in a very similar situation to you. I wouldn't tell dp how you feel. As a previous poster said, deal with each issue calmly, firmly and remember you are a grown up with valid rights and opinions. My MIL and some ils seem to think that ignoring me when I make a valid point that they don't agree with is perfectly acceptable. We had a major incident which I have posted about elsewhere and this attitude was at the heart of it. Don't let her trample you, its hard to grow a pair as I've found xx.

FannytheW0nderDog · 16/07/2017 15:32

Thanks everyone. Sound rational advice from all. I think that I was being over-emotional for one thing. Looking forward to getting married on Saturday!!

OP posts:
Beelzebop · 16/07/2017 15:34

Good luck!

hesterton · 16/07/2017 15:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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