I have NC and I've been wanting to write about this for a while now.
When I was 7/8 my parents were in the process of getting divorced. For as long as I can remember they argued and screamed and shouted at each other. When my dad was drunk he'd drag my mother by her hair and shout at her. In these moments my older sister and I would run and hide.
This would mainly happen at night, I mean their main arguments where they'd both shout and become violent. When I heard them I run to my sister's room and get in bed with her. I usually cry and she'd just hug me. We didn't really speak because we thought if we were heard then dad would get angry with us and start shouting at us. In the morning if my mum found us in bed together she'd just hug us and then we'd do our usual getting ready for school routine. If dad found us then we'd get shouted at for basically ruining each other's sleep for the night and ignoring the rules. Usually it would be my mum that found us as I think she realised that if dad found us and started shouting we'd become very teary. I think she did this also because if we went to school too tearful then the teachers would have started asking questions so she used to be always bright and breezy when she found us and made everything a game.
They divorced a few years later and my father eventually drank himself to death. My mum just carried on with no acknowledgment of what had happened. It was always the elephant in the room and if I'm honest we've never really discussed it. My sister and I have on the odd occasion but it didn't really address the issue iyswim.
I've recently began thinking about all of this and how fucked up a childhood it was and I want answers. I want to throttle my father but at the same time I am glad he died. I want to ask my mum for answers but I don't know how to word them without upsetting her.
It really distorted my perception of everything and my sister left home as soon as she could as did I. But I still feel like there are all these questions that no one can answer for me.